[precaryous]

Headed off to my weekly therapy appointment shortly- my oasis in my sea of confusion.

There's a bunch of things going on with me health wise, PTSD wise, family wise..
The latest- my Grandkidlet is 12. He is ADHD and high functioning autistic. He is on an ADHD medicine. He has an IEP at his public middle school and does get help there.

Normally, around me, he is a sweet, mild-mannered kid. Lately, his mother ( my dd ), is receiving calls from school that he is angrily confronting teachers and the latest- he has angrily responded to kids making fun of him at school...verbalizing ...terrible things...threatening things..

We've talked to him, he's been punished, grounded, talked with, removed from class, given positive reinforcement for the positive things he does.

His PDoc and dd have arranged for his meds to be increased. We think these outbursts are happening now due to changing hormones and, perhaps, his med is losing effectiveness.

The father is not in the picture. I am dd's only family support. She won't take him to a therapist, among other reasons, because of what happened to me in therapy many years ago.

I want to help but I don't know if I can deal with this. I am, I am plugged in. It's just so hard.

[ragsnfeathers]

Among other things, maybe the school should deal with the fact that some of their students feel that making fun of people that vary from the majority are legitimate targets for emotional bullying.

[SnakeCharmer]

Pre, this may or may not be what you'd like to hear, but this is coming from my heart .... the first person for you to take care of is yourself. You. There is so much going on in your life, with serious health issues and emotional issues, that the best way you can support your DD and grandkidlet is to take care of yourself first. If the stress gets us too far down, we can get to the point where we can't even listen with compassion.

Please take care of yourself first. That's the least selfish thing you can do!

Maybe sometime soon your daughter can be convinced to see a family therapist, ie, one who will see mother and son together so she can be there to make sure her son is safe. Where I live there are a number of therapists who see parents and kids together in order to work on the family dynamic and to see how they operate together. Maybe there's something like that your daughter -- her, not you -- can look into. If she doesn't want to, then acceptance is always good, too.

Take care!

[SkyscraperMeow]

I don't know, but it seems to me like the kid is being bullied.

And what has everyone's response been? To punish him, take him out of class, blame 'hormones', adjust his meds and generally freak out.

What if instead of all that, someone just took his side?

[precaryous]

That's a great point. I asked and the bullies have been disciplined. I didn't tell you that he's telling the teacher, "I hate you" and he also threatened a teacher...

We reinforce the good things he does. We are telling him the steps to take if he is feeling angry. Today he lost it because a teacher suggested he use a pencil rather than a pen on his math work. I am so worried.

I will go to school and sit in each of his classes if I have to..and I will find out what the problem is. We are hearing the teachers side of it. There may be a lot more to it than we are hearing.

I agree, bullying is never ok.

[The_little_didgee]

I suspected bullying after I read the original post. Even though it has been dealt with it the emotional pain and resentment linger especially if the bullying has been chronic. Maybe the bullies are still be bothering him.

Most people with autism are deeply sensitive. Their struggles with socializing and obsessions usually isolate them and make them targets. The taunting isn't benign. It can be very painful and often leaves scars for life. Your grandson must feel like he cannot take it anymore and is having difficulty finding the words to express his hurt and frustrations. Someone needs to ask him what is bothering him and how he feels. The solutions should include his input. He needs to know that people are hearing him.

My advice is genuine, because I have ASD.

P.S. If your grandson wants to use a pen to do his math the teacher should let him.

Has the district done a counseling evaluation on your grandson? We have a licensed counselor on site who only works with the special ed kids who have qualified for counseling services (he's not just a school counselor; he's a licensed therapist). He works with kids in the building particularly in regards to school-related issues and behaviors. They are able to go to him when they are in crisis, needing a time out from whatever is going on. He is fantastic with them and he helps students negotiate through those school-related crises that arise. That may be an option that should be looked into.

[Lauliza]

As a parent if a child with ADD and being on the spectrum I appreciate your being so concerned and involved. However I have to tell you that the bullying is the schools job to handle, and your daughter should push them. Of course you want to help and it's upsetting, but there isn't anything you can do so I would try hard not to get stressed about it.

My H is in the picture now but wasn't during the worst times concerning my daughters behavior and school issues. I managed on my own by getting the school involved and getting her meds right. Therapy helped only when they served as advisors for me- she refused to go and when she did go, refused to speak. So it might not worn for your grandchild right now unless your daughter needs a T to help out with the school. kids on the spectrum don't always respond to talk therapy.

You are very kind but try to take care of yourself first and encourage your daughter to get on top of school admin to take care of the bullying issue. They have to so if they give we trouble an advocate or lawyer is what she really needs.

[phaset]

I've tried to write this post 10 times, I don't think I can word what I want to say properly.

Since the school knows about his disorders, it's possible they are focusing more on him and his reactions much more than they should, ignoring the true cause of the problems. When I was a kid (undiagnosed, but they knew I had problems) anything that happened to me meant I was in trouble too. School was not a safe place.

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

I don't know, but it seems to me like the kid is being bullied.

And what has everyone's response been? To punish him, take him out of class, blame 'hormones', adjust his meds and generally freak out.

What if instead of all that, someone just took his side?

In addition to being bullied, he could also be acting out other emotional issues that further alienate him. Saying I hate you to a teacher sounds like built up anger.

I strongly believe kids with such problems need someone to 'take them under their wing' and believe in them. Particularly someone outside of the family. He is on the cusp of transitioning between a child and a young man. It's an especially crucial time to reach him.

I've seen this happen to young boys in the neighborhood where I used to live. They don't have fathers in their life and other potentially adverse situations. They act out. They get repeatedly punished by the school, which further alienates them, ostracizes them, ultimately destroying their self-esteem. Many schools are now criminalizing behaviors that were previously dealt with by in-house punishments; particularly older kids. If someone doesn't intervene, if nothing changes, he may end up with a criminal record. I've seen this happen to boys who the average person wouldn't think of as criminals.

Also what phaset said--that is very important.

I am really sorry for your grandkid. It's really sweet of you to care.