[magicalprince]

Ever since I consciously relived some of my bad csa I've been a different person. I feel angry, sadistic, few inhibitions, I don't trust people and I'm hyper sexual. I don't know how to face T who knew me as mild mannered, affectionate, punctual and cooperative. Even just 2 wks ago. Right now it seems to take an extraordinary effort to feel just a little compassion for people. I'm afraid I'm gonna go there and just start manically laughing at everything she says.

Do T's experience this sometimes? Clients becoming a whole different person? I know I can't just blame my trauma but right now this is who I am and I can't help it. I was NEvER an angry person and yet now I just have this bottomless rage inside me.

[ThisWayOut]

I think there is a high likelihood that t has seen that before in clients, especially with a trauma history...
I hope you can figure out how to bring it up with her.

[magicalprince]

Thanks ThisWayOut. I'm really trying my best. I wish I could feel that trust I should have in her. But I got annoyed when I emailed her about what happened (not how it has affected me) and she gave just a quick response that was less than her usual. It's like, I can't do this, how am I supposed to rely on someone that can't give me her full attention for 5 minutes at a time like this when I have been such a dream client. When I didn't feel like I needed much support, she was there for me more.

[ThisWayOut]

I think many T's balk at therapy thorugh email, since a lot can be misconstrued. At least she responded. I know with T's that allowed email, the more emotionally charged emails I sent got less of a response than the "safer" ones. There's more potential for misinterpretation when our emotions are highly activated...

Would a phone call be appropriate for support? Or perhaps an extra session or two?

Also, trust can be slippry and elusive sometimes (even if it was there before). I panic around trusting a T with new and "scary" information, even when I had built up trust around other things previously. For me, it seems to need building with each new disclosure (mine also tend to start pretty tame and lead up for the more shammeful stuff).

I hope you can talk to T about all this, and maybe get some reassurance that she is still there and still trustworthy.

Understanding is what therapy about.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I think many T's balk at therapy thorugh email, since a lot can be misconstrued. At least she responded. I know with T's that allowed email, the more emotionally charged emails I sent got less of a response than the "safer" ones. There's more potential for misinterpretation when our emotions are highly activated...

Would a phone call be appropriate for support? Or perhaps an extra session or two?

Also, trust can be slippry and elusive sometimes (even if it was there before). I panic around trusting a T with new and "scary" information, even when I had built up trust around other things previously. For me, it seems to need building with each new disclosure (mine also tend to start pretty tame and lead up for the more shammeful stuff).

I hope you can talk to T about all this, and maybe get some reassurance that she is still there and still trustworthy.

Thaaanks TWO <3 (hehe, your name abbreviated is TWO!)

I'm feeling a little better but not good still. Not aggressive anymore, just kind of empty. I hate asking for calls, don't know why, it feels like I'm imposing so much... hrmmm... I don't want to feel needy, you know? I guess because I'm afraid of becoming the client that she just gets through an hour with, rather than the client she wants to see and it doesn't feel like work to talk to. I feel so needy for her caring and love, I guess I'm afraid to be less liked.

But you made a good point about emotionally charged emails... like duh, why didn't I think of that?? It just makes so much sense, I mean after you pointed it out of course.

And I get you about trust. That's the way I feel too. I still don't tell my T nearly as much as I would tell an open-minded stranger. I don't know why. It feels riskier somehow! Weird. Like we have this whole history at stake. Blah. Maybe just haven't even made peace with the whole format yet..

[ThisWayOut]

As others have told me a lot lately, it's ok to need a supportive person sometimes. Also being "needy" isn't always bad. My t was trying to tell me that everyone needs others at times... I tried my best to believe her

As for telling a stranger more than a t, I know for me it very much is about impressions and history. A stranger has no prior opinion of me to tarnish, but t (who I will likely see again rather often) might see me differently with the new info. There's something less threatening about telling our secrets to strangers who hold no emotional power over us... just my theory though.

Glad I could help out with the email thing. Sometimes the "simplest" things are hard to see when we are caught up in the situation. I know it's certainly true for me. If I had a nickle for every time someone pointed out something like that, I'd be set for life, lol!