The day started out with a visit to my pdoc. As some of you know, I decided to just ditch my meds for the last 5 days. Well, the emotionality of the week had apparently built up to levels unknown to me... I was so f***ing angry when I got to my pdoc appointment. I didn't even look at him. Gave one word answers, shrugged a lot. Finally told him that I stopped taking the medication. So he asks why and I said "Because I didn't feel like taking it anymore." Screw him. Does he expect me to launch into a psychoanalytic explanation? So then he goes, "Well you are seeing Ray later today... Talk about this with him. Will you call me later today or tomorrow to let me know your decision about the meds?" I said, "Fine. Thanks." And got up and walked out. I told him that I just don't see the point. I'm sitting there for 15 minutes while he asks questions about my symptoms. Then he initially suggests increasing the dose of my mood stabilizer. Then he finds out I'm not taking it anymore, and suddenly it's up to me to let him know whether or not I will continue to take the meds. No speech, no suggestions, nothing. I said to him, "What is this even for?" And he says, 'It's supposed to stabilize your moods." I said, "Yeah, thanks. I think I know what it's supposed to do. I just don't understand the point of a medication if the decision is to increase it, continue where I am at, or stop it."

So that session was lovely. At this point, I was so angry that I punched my steering wheel really hard when I got back into the car. I knew that in a couple hours I would be seeing T, and I was completely overwhelmed at the thought of talking to him. I was still angry as hell at him and in addition to this, I had 8 pages of single spaced revelations and analysis I had done throughout the week.

I was seriously starting to have an emotional breakdown. I had this overwhelming sense that I needed to push people away. I felt extremely disconnected from everyone, and wanted to make it so that it was even more.

An half hour before I was to leave for T, it all fell apart. My stomach completely lost it, and I couldn't even leave the bathroom. I started having a panic attack-- felt like I couldn't breathe. I made it to therapy, but I felt horrible. I hadn't felt like this in so long. I had never had that type of reaction in front of T before. I told him, "I don't want to talk today." He said that was fine, that I didn't have to if I didn't want to. I felt so stupid, so exposed having this type of emotional reaction in front of him. I told him I was so scared, that I had never felt so unsafe there before. There wasn't too much said in the 1st portion of the session. My stomach felt so horrible, I thought I was going to vomit if I even tried to speak. Finally, I took out my 8 pages of journal and told him that it was too overwhelming, that I couldn't even begin to talk about what was in it. Then he came up with this analogy-- it had to do with reading Russian novels. He referenced a couple of books that I never told him I read-- but somehow he knew I read them just because he knows me. We talked a bit about existentialism. I started to feel a little safer. It was such a weird session, it blew by-- before I knew it, it was over. I had such feelings of unreality the whole time, I didn't even realize time had been moving. He said that next week we would start by talking about what it will be like to get mad at him. I told him that I had written that I wanted him to be sorry for ever pissing me off. He said that he probably should be sorry-- that maybe he did something stupid to %#@&#! me off, so why not be sorry? I said that it was okay to be made, but not okay to spite and manipulate people and act out when angry. Then for the first time, he leaned all the way forward, looked into my eyes, and said very strongly, "Robyn-- (yeah, that's my name by the way, lol), it's okay in here." I so badly wanted to ask if I could come in on Friday. But I didn't.

When I got home I needed to lay down. I listened to some music, and got all the tears out. Then I took my cell phone, went outside, and called him. On his voicemail, I said, "Hey Ray...(yes, I even used his name for the first time)... I feel stupid as usual, but I need to ask you if I can come in on Friday. I wanted to ask you today, but I felt uncomfortable. I would like to come in so we can talk some more. Please call me back tomorrow to let me know." I couldn't believe I did it with (practically) no hesitation. So, we shall see what happens when he calls back tomorrow...

I am so drained. Physically, emotionally. Drained.

[Lemon]

Pink - I've been following your posts this week and I'm sorry it was such a hard week. But, it sounds like you really made some progress. Your T sounds awsome, he really cares about you and wants you to be able to express all your emotions. Good for you for asking for a Friday session.

Heh heh.

That sounded pretty great. Anger is so hard, huh. I can only talk about it sideways...

On a related note...

It might be worth thinking some more about the mood stabiliser... The notion is (as you know) that it will help level out your mood. But maybe... It is more important for you to feel your moods and work through them with your therapist. They are just meant to help take the edge or intensity off of them, but you know sometimes I think it can help us to feel them. I don't know. Might be worth talking to your p-doc or therapist about that... (I used to take a mood stabiliser but I didn't really notice much difference truth be told so I just stopped with it).

Sounds like a really good session. Your t sounds lovely. I have knots in my stomach thinking about my t's next move...

[sidony]

Wow but that's a rough week you're going through! Your therapist sounds really awesome, and I'm glad you were able to show him more of your emotions. And especially that you were able to call him and ask for another appointment! That's awesome. I'd be scared s&#%less. I bet it's gonna lead to some really intense sessions.

Okay I hope you start feeling better. Please hold it together! I need you to come be my other dork-half on here so don't freak out and ditch us. The pdoc appt definitely sounds annoying as hell, but your therapist sounds really helpful. Hang on!

Sidony

[Hopefull]

Way to go on asking for a Friday appointment. It sounds to me like you have a lot of things that you want to talk about. Feel free to cover only what you feel able to do. As for the Pdoc, he/she sounded okey to me. It is up to you whether you want to take a medication. So he/she must leave it in your hands. I hope you can look at the advantages and disadvantages of taking a mood stablilizer. I wrote up a pros and cons list when I was trying to decide whether or not to take a medication for depressed mood. I am sure that your T would be willing to listen to your pros and cons list if you decide to do one. Good luck in your future sessions with T and Pdoc.

[sunrise]

Wow, what a day. ((((pinksoil))))

But you know what? You survived it! Tough sessions with both pdoc and T, but you made it through. And you called T after and asked him for what you needed. Bravo!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Then for the first time, he leaned all the way forward, looked into my eyes, and said very strongly, "Robyn-- (yeah, that's my name by the way, lol), it's okay in here."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Ahhh, he did "the move." I kind of teared up when you described this. Ray sounds really nice.

I hope you feel better soon, pinksoil. And I hope your T can see you on Friday. Good luck with the meds decision.

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sunrise said:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Then for the first time, he leaned all the way forward, looked into my eyes, and said very strongly, "Robyn-- (yeah, that's my name by the way, lol), it's okay in here."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Ahhh, he did "the move."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

"The move" was crazy. Of course I ruined it because he tends to speak really low, so he did it and I'm like, "What??" So then he had to repeat the whole thing and I couldn't even look at him because I was so uncomfortable, but I got a really nice detailed view of the carpet.

Thanks everyone, for your responses. I'm still waiting for him to call back about a possible Friday session. I'm a little more emotionally together today, and extremely busy at work, which is helping me stay focused.

Alex-- I was thinking the same thing about the mood stabilizer. I don't want to flat-line, you know? I think the meds are sh** anyway. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I told T that I stopped them partly because I wanted him to be concerned. I can't believe I told him that.

Sid-- don't worry, I will be here in all of my dorkiness.

He just left me a message. He said I can come this Friday at 5.


I have to get myself together so I can call back and confirm.

But first I have to replay the saved message about 32 times.

LOL!

[sidony]

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pinksoil said:
He just left me a message. He said I can come this Friday at 5.


I have to get myself together so I can call back and confirm.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Woohoo! That's awesome! Glad he was able to see you again, and I hope the next session will be great. I think it's awesome that you told him about quitting your meds to get him to be concerned. Brutal honesty is intense as hell.

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But first I have to replay the saved message about 32 times.

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Are we the same person? I get mad when my work voicemail finally ditches older messages without even asking me. I'd save his forever if I could.

Sidony

[lauren_helene]

Pink I am so happy for you in many ways. First, your T made an awesome move by leaning forward and saying your name talking directly in your eyes. Honestly, I want to cry right now.

How did you not just throw your arms around him! I don't mean to make light of your feelings. I've been following your posts so I can feel the pain you have been experiencing.

I am also so glad that you called him about Friday and he called you back and said yes to come in. You've got a great T...and I'm proud of you for showing your real feelings to him. You made a huge step.

As for the meds, I don't know what you were on to comment. It may or may not be helpful only you will know that. Stopping suddenly can a reaction like you had but maybe you needed to 'feel' what you've been feeling...these meds can stop most emotions you know?

I am also proud that you told him that you wanted him to be concerned. I love that and you should be proud of yourself. It may not feel that way right this minute but you're doing great.

I concur with replaying his message. I still have saved messages on my cell that I replay. I had my session today. Stay tuned for a rant that might cheer you up!