[growlithing]

LCM has been bugging me for a while about wanting to come to a concert that I'm playing in. My next concert is finally a good one for her to come to, so I invited her. She said she'll come and is excited. I'm excited to have her there.

We were texting a little bit earlier about it. I was worried about her bringing her actual daughter, so I just flat out asked if she was planning on it. She said she wasn't sure. I told her to please not because it would be super upsetting to me and it would bore the kid to tears. LCM doesn't really care about triggering me. She likes to force me to "sit with my feelings". Sure enough, she told me that sometimes we make sacrifices and suffer. I begged her not to bring her. I told her that the kid would hate it. She said "be honest with me". I told her that I was being honest. The concert would be difficult for the kid and it would be painful for me to have her there.

We have one more session before my concert so I guess I'll talk to her about it then. I mean, I know she has the right to bring that kid anywhere she wants. I just really hope she'll respect my feelings a little bit. I was being reasonable to ask her not to bring her, right? I know she can't leave her home alone, but I imagine that when she said she wasn't sure if she'd bring her or not, that means she has someone to watch her.

The thought of maybe seeing that kid stresses me out a lot. I might rather she didn't come at all than to put me in that situation. But I also really want to show her what my life is about. She's never been to an orchestra concert ever.

How large is the venue for you concert? I know I probably wouldn't even be able to find a particular person in our concert hall, nor would I really be able to see them, and once I'm performing, I really don't give the audience much thought regardless; I'm at work.

Yes, you can ask her not to bring her daughter, but she may decide not to come without her and that would be her prerogative. I understand this is all mixed up in your maternal feelings for this person, but she IS an actual mother of this actual child, so it really is her decision to make. You could ask her not to come at all if she does not come alone I suppose. What is more important? that she get to see you do what you do so well, or the whole daughter thing?

What is the concert music by the way? I attended many concerts starting at a very young age, and even if i wasn't thrilled with the music, it was generally worthwhile. Your T may be the better judge of what her own daughter can or cannot do.

You can certainly set your boundary about her attendance and be prepared if she decides she cannot come without her daughter with her.

My pdoc and my T have both attended my concerts. I was just thrilled and honored that they made the effort to see me do what I love to do. I wasn't at all concerned who they brought with them. I was just pleased they made the effort to attend.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

How large is the venue for you concert? I know I probably wouldn't even be able to find a particular person in our concert hall, nor would I really be able to see them, and once I'm performing, I really don't give the audience much thought regardless; I'm at work.

Yes, you can ask her not to bring her daughter, but she may decide not to come without her and that would be her prerogative. I understand this is all mixed up in your maternal feelings for this person, but she IS an actual mother of this actual child, so it really is her decision to make. You could ask her not to come at all if she does not come alone I suppose. What is more important? that she get to see you do what you do so well, or the whole daughter thing?

What is the concert music by the way? I attended many concerts starting at a very young age, and even if i wasn't thrilled with the music, it was generally worthwhile. Your T may be the better judge of what her own daughter can or cannot do.

You can certainly set your boundary about her attendance and be prepared if she decides she cannot come without her daughter with her.

My pdoc and my T have both attended my concerts. I was just thrilled and honored that they made the effort to see me do what I love to do. I wasn't at all concerned who they brought with them. I was just pleased they made the effort to attend.

I don't know what is more important. I guess I'd rather her be there. I'm just really upset by the kid's existence.

Sibelius 1. Not kids' music.

I would probably see her. It's large but I'd see her.

I can think of A LOT less kid-friendly symphonies. This is a actually a pretty exciting piece that I'd think a kid could actually find pretty interesting. I'm willing to bet you were able to handle music that wasn't "kids' music" as a child; why else would you be doing what you are doing? (I realize that is really not your objection about her daughter going though.)

I'd love to hear it. Should be excellent. It would be a shame for her to miss this performance simply because you have a hang-up about her daughter. Let her go and hear you play; it's a great piece with lots of brass! I'm sure she'd really enjoy hearing you perform.

[Gavinandnikki]

LC will make her decision and will frame it such a way as to hurt Growli the most. Watch. She'll do it.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

LC will make her decision and will frame it such a way as to hurt Growli the most. Watch. She'll do it.

I will overdramatize it and make it hurt as much as possible or she will make it hurt me as much as possible?

[clairelisbeth]

If she's coming to YOUR concert to see YOU, she shouldn't be bringing her daughter. Period.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I can think of A LOT less kid-friendly symphonies. This is a actually a pretty exciting piece that I'd think a kid could actually find pretty interesting. I'm willing to bet you were able to handle music that wasn't "kids' music" as a child; why else would you be doing what you are doing? (I realize that is really not your objection about her daughter going though.)

I'd love to hear it. Should be excellent. It would be a shame for her to miss this performance simply because you have a hang-up about her daughter. Let her go and hear you play; it's a great piece with lots of brass! I'm sure she'd really enjoy hearing you perform.

I would have struggled with Sibelius 1 as a kid. I love it now though. It's wonderful. I'm playing principal and it's a ton of fun.

Originally Posted by growlithing

I would have struggled with Sibelius 1 as a kid. I love it now though. It's wonderful. I'm playing principal and it's a ton of fun.

I'm sure it will be marvelous. Seriously, if you get a recording, I'd love to hear it.

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I will overdramatize it and make it hurt as much as possible or she will make it hurt me as much as possible?

We'll have to wait and see.

[~Christina]

Maybe ask her for your session that week be her coming to your concert , you will pay her for it and that should keep her real daughter out of the picture and you can continue to live in the fantasy that she wants to be your mom and you her real daughter.

Just a thought

[Favorite Jeans]

Well this is the tricky thing about an informal relationship with no "sessions" so basically all contact is out of session contact. (Is this still the format with LCM or have I missed some developments?) She's not coming to see you as part of her job which means that she doesn't owe you her undivided attention. I absolutely without a doubt get why you don't want to see her with her daughter. But I don't think it's fair to expect her to prioritize your needs over her own and her daughter's (and possibly pay for childcare) when she's essentially on her own time.

Originally Posted by growlithing

I don't know what is more important. I guess I'd rather her be there.

Growli, from one musician to another: I hope you can make this be about the music and sharing the music with someone who will enjoy hearing it . . .

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Maybe ask her for your session that week be her coming to your concert , you will pay her for it and that should keep her real daughter out of the picture and you can continue to live in the fantasy that she wants to be your mom and you her real daughter.

Just a thought

I'm not too sure why being rude is helpful but thanks for the input

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Growli, from one musician to another: I hope you can make this be about the music and sharing the music with someone who will enjoy hearing it . . .

It is about the music regardless of if she comes or not. It's still hard to handle.

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I'm not too sure why being rude is helpful but thanks for the input

Not rude. Makes sense to me. LC all to yourself.!

[A Red Panda]

I think Christina has a point...

It might be your concert, but if your LC is doing this on her FREE time, then it's a great experience for her daughter. I would totally take my kids to concerts like that if I had kid and had the opportunity.

I get why it's uncomfortable for you, because it does intrude into your desires to have her be your mom when she's that little girl's mom and not yours. At the same time, she's not doing something with you, and it might be good to see her daughter in the flesh to help remind you that she is not your mom and never will be.

And if you really, really, don't want the daughter there and the event doesn't have age restrictions, then Christina's suggestion of paying her to go is sound - because then you can dicate things to be at your term and it would pay for her childcare.

Originally Posted by growlithing

It is about the music regardless of if she comes or not. It's still hard to handle.

I realize that, but you had a similar reaction when this woman showed up where you were working with a man. You don't like to see that she has other people in her life, regardless of who that might be. She probably would rather not go to the concert alone. I would a hazard a guess that no matter who she might bring with her to your concert it wouldn't be okay with you.

But she has expressed interest in hearing you perform . . . Can you grant her that pleasure and allow her to do so with a companion -- in this case her daughter? She wants to hear YOU play. She wouldn't come to that concert at all if it weren't for you. She is doing this because of you; for you. Is it too much to allow her to bring her daughter so she doesn't have to attend alone? I hate attending concerts alone. I would guess that bringing her daughter is about having a companion with her to enjoy the evening; it isn't like you can go sit out in the audience with her. Or would you rather she bring a date? (I'm guessing not.)

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I realize that, but you had a similar reaction when this woman showed up where you were working with a man. You don't like to see that she has other people in her life, regardless of who that might be. She probably would rather not go to the concert alone. I would a hazard a guess that no matter who she might bring with her to your concert it wouldn't be okay with you.


But she has expressed interest in hearing you perform . . . Can you grant her that pleasure and allow her to do so with a companion -- in this case her daughter? She wants to hear YOU play. She wouldn't come to that concert at all if it weren't for you. She is doing this because of you; for you. Is it too much to allow her to bring her daughter so she doesn't have to attend alone? I hate attending concerts alone. I would guess that bringing her daughter is about having a companion with her to enjoy the evening; it isn't like you can go sit out in the audience with her. Or would you rather she bring a date? (I'm guessing not.)

Just to clarify, I was upset that she was there for her daughter's concert. I was upset because I felt like she referred me to her boyfriend without telling me. I don't care if she brought a date to this.

[Lauliza]

I think it's good for LCM to insist you learn to sit with your feelings regarding her daughter. It's fine for her to be a mother figure but it's not healthy at all to encourage this fantasy that she is your real mother. I know you know it's a fantasy, but inviting her to a concert but begging her to leave her daughter home is not reasonable.

This is a lot for you, so maybe you should wait on asking LCM to anymore concerts. It's certainly not a good time for you to deal with such intense emotions, your concerts are too important. Maybe you can retract the invitation and set this as a goal with her - you will invite her when you are ready and able to handle seeing her in social settings with her daughter.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

LC will make her decision and will frame it such a way as to hurt Growli the most. Watch. She'll do it.

No actually stop. You just want to frame her as a villian as much as possible. You don't even know her. She loves me and would never hurt me.

I hate it when people try to tell me she is evil and malicious. She's not. She's the nicest person anyone has ever been to me and is still alive. The other nicest person and my last mom figure died of cancer when I was 18 and she was in her early 40's. Stop trying to take this from me. I've already lost enoug o think

[precaryous]

I know Growli has sorta met the child at least once before. How old is this child? What about LC maintaining confidentiality...what about LC maintaining good boundaries between her family and clients?

I'm confused, I guess.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by precaryous

I know Growli has sorta met the child at least once before. How old is this child? What about LC maintaining confidentiality...what about LC maintaining good boundaries between her family and clients?

I'm confused, I guess.

I haven't met her at all. She's 9. The same age I was

[growlycat]

I went through something similar with my long term therapist. A number of years ago, I asked him about how his kids were doing. He told me in detail how well they were doing and that his daughter was studying abroad (my parents would never pay for me to do anything even close to that.)

After he shared this, I became upset and he got kind of frustrated and a little angry with me. He said something like "GC, I am in a no-win situation. If I tell you about other people in my life you get jealous and react badly. If I keep my life from you, you will be hurt that I'm erecting a boundary. We can't have honest intimacy and a "real" relationship if we can't talk about certain things."

He was right. It IS very painful to hear about the "real kids" but I also want a real connection to my T. These days, I ask about the impending birth of his first grandchild, but not without inner pain.

I hope you can talk to your LC about this. Maybe say that you'd like her daughter to come but you are not ready yet. Talk about it --a lot--with her than maybe later on give it a try.

My T did say something helpful to me once about this….even with a little regret in his voice…."My daughter knows me in ways that you do not, but you also know me in a way she never will either."

[precaryous]

I thought you met her once before u had a session...the child waited in the waiting room? Maybe the child wasn't introduced to you but didn't she see you? Maybe not.
At any rate, I don't feel LC should bring the child at all. I agree with you, Growli.

I hope you have a fantastic concert!