[virgill]

Hi
I really just need to talk to someone who might understand how I am feeling.
I have been seeing a therapist on and off for a little over two years. The first time I went to see her everything went very well, so when a more serious problem or problems really because what was going on in my life affected pretty much everything I spoke to her again.

My life was in chaos and I really was not coping very well, speaking to her was extremely helpful plus I managed to sort my stuff out. So things were fine.

Just shortly after our sessions ended I lost my job, there were cutbacks in the organization I worked for and I was made redundant. I called her again, we met three times. It was helpful, a good reminder for me of the facts that I have tools I can use to cope. Life was difficult, but I managed.

Anyway, just recently I called her again. I have a new job now and my anxiety seems to be shooting up to a serious level. I do still know my coping strategies but sometimes you need someone who knows how to talk (no offense to my wonderful friends and family), someone who can just assist you to tilt in the right direction. I called her, originally I had thought that meeting her once maybe twice would be enough. I went to my appointment and we talked. I was unhappy with the session and didn´t really have the guts to be assertive about it, I said good bye and went home. I have felt irritated at her before, but thats a different kind of irritation the one that comes up when you confront something difficult or when you slightly disagree with someone. These irritations pass and often leave a new way to see things which is helpful. This was not the case this time, I was just hurt and felt like my actual issues had been slighted. Anyway, I discussed that with my husband and a close friend. My friend is a great listener (no offense dear hubby , she helped me regain my confidence (which was a little bruised after this session), then I decided I wanted to confront her. Like I said I trusted her very well and wanted to hear her side of the story, in fact I wanted to feel like I could keep her in my phonebook as my therapist.

I called her, told her I wanted to speak to her. She gave me an appointment and we met up. I felt nervous going in (her "slights") weren´t huge though I felt hurt, I was worried about her reactions and afraid that she would think that I was making a big deal out of nothing. We spoke, she didn´t see things my way and I felt like she was a little angry at me, but she was completely professional and I listened to her. Than she told me that a therapist/ client relationships sometimes came to an end. I felt hurt, I barely managed not to start crying, I couldn´t disagree with her and after she said this I wouldn´t have wanted to. I don´t want to talk to a therapist, who does not want to talk to me and who puts an end to things as I decide to confront her.

It is important for me that you know that our discussion was civil and maybe the confrontation was not the reason she wanted to end our work together but I feel horrible, completely deflated and very rejected.

Anyway I said goodbye, told her I was not really looking for therapy at this time (which is true), came home and just started crying.

[wotchermuggle]

I'm so sorry to read of your experience. Did she say it was over specifically?

[precaryous]

I'm sorry! What is with some therapists...who can't take a bit of criticism and are unwilling to try to see where that's coming from - from the patient's point of view?

I have been abruptly terminated before..... It was unexpected, confusing and hurtful.

[virgill]

Not in so many words no, she specifically said that these kind of relationsship sometimes just exhausted themselves (in Icelandic so sorry if the translation sounds strange).

She basically said that theraputic relationships were sometimes over and that seeking something else was fine. She then told me that I needed to allow this to end... so I guess yes she said that we had to call it quits

[AllHeart]

I am so, so sorry this happened to you. I see this therapist who can't handle a little confrontation as being highly untrustworthy, amongst other things I can't write. You deserve much better.

Sorry for the pain you are dealing with right now. I hope you can wake up tomorrow feeling better and being able to see the blessing this turned out to be in the long run.

[growlycat]

I am wondering maybe it isn't the criticism, but perhaps because you don't see her regularly? Maybe she doesn't feel she can help you if you come in sporadicly?
Maybe she can't afford to have patients who aren't regulars?

If it is the criticism, she sure is thin skinned for a therapist!! You sound reasonable and calm…and fair to the other person. I've had T's who straight up didn't like me which is possible too.

But you don't deserve an ending like that!

[tony fudo]

We are so vulnerable in our dealing with therapists, and the assumption all round is that if things go wrong it must be our fault, not theirs. But unless they are a new genetic breed of human, they must be just as flawed as the rest of us.

Whatever, there is no way that a therapist should have left you feeling like this.

[Ididitmyway]

I am really sorry this happened to you. It's a shame when the therapist can't handle negative feedback. Dealing with the feedback constructively is part of their job, and when it's handled properly it can be the most effective part of therapy. When the therapist terminates the client just because the client didn't like something they said and was honest about it, it's a shame. If they don't want to hear any criticism they should choose a different line of work. But, frankly, it's not even about being professional. Any adult should be able to handle criticism. Talking things out and getting to a point of mutual understanding is a part of any mature interactions.

Honestly, some therapists act like little babies! Just how insecure one should feel to end the good work with the client just because the client expressed some displeasure about certain things the therapist said! What were you supposed to do? To keep your feelings inside? Aren't you, as a client, encouraged to talk about how you feel? I am really sorry..

[Ad Intra]

Oh wow that's tough. An ethical T would love feedback...

[Petra5ed]

Sorry you're feeling this way. I hope this isn't offensive, but are you sure she said she didn't want to see you again? It's just that that is pretty unclear in your description of how things went down. Might you have taken something she said out of context? Normally when a therapist terminates they make it pretty clear, explain why, and maybe provide a referral to someone else.

[virgill]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Sorry you're feeling this way. I hope this isn't offensive, but are you sure she said she didn't want to see you again? It's just that that is pretty unclear in your description of how things went down. Might you have taken something she said out of context? Normally when a therapist terminates they make it pretty clear, explain why, and maybe provide a referral to someone else.

She said sometimes a theraputic relationship comes to an end and I needed to allow this to be over. So yes I took this as her ending things and closing up the possibility of further communication.

[feralkittymom]

I'm a bit confused because I'm not hearing that she didn't tolerate your criticism. You said she behaved very professionally and the conversation was civil. My suspicion is that sometimes therapy relationships end because the client shows they really aren't interested in pursuing therapy (which you suggest is true). If you only call once in a while during a crisis, the impression for a T could be that you simply want to maintain the attachment, rather than to engage sufficiently enough to progress and become independent of them. Many Ts don't continue under such circumstances, and some might even believe it is unethical to do so.

I really don't hear anything that suggests to me that she's rejecting you personally, but rather that she's recognizing your on-going lack of interest in being in therapy, and responding from a place of professional ethics. It certainly would have been better had she explained that clearly.

[ragsnfeathers]

It's my impression that even when therapy ends successfully, sometimes former clients just need to go back for a some short-term support on a specific issue. Maybe a reminder that they have the ability to handle a new situation or a new perspective without having to get into heavy therapy again. If the therapist was unwilling to do this or thought it would be counterproductive, s/he should have made that clear, including the reason why and what the therapist thought would be the best way to handle new challenges that come up. Just because the way a message is being delivered is polite doesn't mean that the undercurrents are healthy.

One concern I have is, you went back with an issue, anxiety about a new job. Was that issue addressed or is the anxiety still there? Even if you don't want to go back into full therapy again, maybe seeing another therapist for short term therapy could help.

You have my support. At best, I don't think the therapist communicated adequately, whatever the reason for the sudden termination.

[feralkittymom]

I think many Ts would see a difference between a completed therapy and a client who periodically checks in, and an incomplete therapy and a client who, for whatever reason, only seeks out contact when in crisis--and then leaves again after a few sessions. Many Ts make a strong distinction between therapy and crisis counseling. I'm not sure that a T would see a pattern until a pattern emerged. She absolutely should have given a clear and full explanation in this last meeting. But we don't know what was discussed that there was disagreement about. The statement about therapy relationships sometimes ending is presented as the conclusion of a discussion. That sounds to me like something a T might say when there is an unresolvable disagreement about how to proceed going forward, and so ending is the only option.

[virgill]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I am wondering maybe it isn't the criticism, but perhaps because you don't see her regularly? Maybe she doesn't feel she can help you if you come in sporadicly?
Maybe she can't afford to have patients who aren't regulars?

If it is the criticism, she sure is thin skinned for a therapist!! You sound reasonable and calm…and fair to the other person. I've had T's who straight up didn't like me which is possible too.

But you don't deserve an ending like that!

I dont think it was the criticism but the timing suggests that. Anyway I said goodbye and I will survive.

[virgill]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I'm a bit confused because I'm not hearing that she didn't tolerate your criticism. You said she behaved very professionally and the conversation was civil. My suspicion is that sometimes therapy relationships end because the client shows they really aren't interested in pursuing therapy (which you suggest is true). If you only call once in a while during a crisis, the impression for a T could be that you simply want to maintain the attachment, rather than to engage sufficiently enough to progress and become independent of them. Many Ts don't continue under such circumstances, and some might even believe it is unethical to do so.

I really don't hear anything that suggests to me that she's rejecting you personally, but rather that she's recognizing your on-going lack of interest in being in therapy, and responding from a place of professional ethics. It certainly would have been better had she explained that clearly.

I think maybe you are right. I wish she would have given me a reason. Thanks for your reply

[virgill]

Originally Posted by ragsnfeathers

It's my impression that even when therapy ends successfully, sometimes former clients just need to go back for a some short-term support on a specific issue. Maybe a reminder that they have the ability to handle a new situation or a new perspective without having to get into heavy therapy again. If the therapist was unwilling to do this or thought it would be counterproductive, s/he should have made that clear, including the reason why and what the therapist thought would be the best way to handle new challenges that come up. Just because the way a message is being delivered is polite doesn't mean that the undercurrents are healthy.

One concern I have is, you went back with an issue, anxiety about a new job. Was that issue addressed or is the anxiety still there? Even if you don't want to go back into full therapy again, maybe seeing another therapist for short term therapy could help.

You have my support. At best, I don't think the therapist communicated adequately, whatever the reason for the sudden termination.

The anxiety is still there. No it wasn't adressed adequately in my opinion which was one of the reasons I was unhappy. She thought I should have adressed the situation when it came up. Which I agree with but no and a still want to see whether I can get over my anxiety eithout help.

[virgill]

Originally Posted by virgill

The anxiety is still there. No it wasn't adressed adequately in my opinion which was one of the reasons I was unhappy. She thought I should have adressed the situation when it came up. Which I agree with but no and a still want to see whether I can get over my anxiety eithout help.

Thanks fir the reply btw. If it gets to much for me I will find a new therapist.