Well today was the day I had been dreading: saying goodbye to T1. The man who made me feel understood, cared for, and like my feelings counted, who was on my wavelength, who showed me care and showed me how to care for myself. A man I love.
It was comforting and healing beyond my expectations. I started by telling him about seeing T2, and I told him how I had spent the last 2.5 months trying to unravel what was happening for me towards the end of therapy with him. I explained that I felt there was transference, but also there were real genuine feelings for him, and it was too hard for me to be in a boundaried therapeutic relationship with him, because I would always crave friendship with him, and there can be no resolution to that. I said that this ending will be immensely painful for me, but grief is something I can heal from, I can't heal from repeated hurt.
He said he found it hard to hear that there had been repeated hurt, but I reassured him that he didn't cause the hurt, circumstances caused the hurt.
I was tearful when I told him that during the break I coped well because I left my inner child with him, in that safe, comforting environment, and it was scary that I had to take her away with me today. He said I needed to nurture her, and he was glad I was continuing therapy.
There were some nice moments, just chatting like old times. I told him I would miss all the things that make therapy with him unique, like when we journaled sessions and read each others journals, and I told him I always wanted to take a walk with him one session, and I'm sad that won't happen.
I read him the goodbye poem I wrote for him, and he said it was powerful and thanked me for it.
We had a couple of quiet moments just looking into each others eyes. That was always one of my favourite moments of therapy with him. I told him he had warm and smiling eyes and that I would miss those moments.
I asked him if I could contact him in the future and he said he would love to hear from me, especially as I'm planning to start a counselling and psychotherapy course and he wants to know how I get on. He also said he would continue to look at my online poetry, which I regularly post, and it feels good to think of him reading it.
He walked me to the gate as he always does (therapy is at his home) and he shook my hand then went for a cheek to cheek kiss. I asked him for a hug and he smiled and hugged me. This was a hugely healing experience for be because the biggest rupture we had centred around me asking him for a hug and him saying no.
All in all I'm left feeling strangely euphoric, like a huge weight has been lifted. I'm sure it will give way to grief at some point, but I'm feeling somewhat buoyant at the moment.

[JustShakey]

Sounds like the best kind of ending you could have Echos

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[healed84]

Wow, sounds very powerful. You were brave during that session. Good for you!

This was really inspiring to read. Thank you. Glad it went well.

Thanks
Endings suck. This is the first time I have been through anything like this. I have to say PC has been crucial for me. Nobody in real life could even begin to understand how hard this is.

[musial]

I'm so happy for you! Thank you for sharing your experience with us.

[Kat20]

I said goodbye to my T 6 months ago and it is hard, I have an amazing new T that T1 personally found for me and T2 told me the words were "this one is special, she is a gem! You take good care of her, or else". T2 just told me that last week and it was so meaningful to hear. I am so glad to hear that while goodbyes are hard, it was such a powerful and meaningful one. Proud of your courage! !!

[mortalache]

It was so helpful to read this experience of yours. I will be saying goodbye in about two months and hope it goes even half as well as what you've described. There are all these fears of sounding foolish when I explain how much grief I've gone through at just the news of his leaving. But I suppose if he is as great a therapist as I've thought all along, then I should have no reason to fear a terrible response for anything surrounding this that I may end up sharing with him. Anyway, I'm very happy you have a wonderful memory here to continue on with and thank you for sharing all that you have.

Thanks everyone, I'm even more pleased if people find my experience helpful
therapy with T1 has been a bumpy road, and I've shared much of it with the PC community; it feels good to have the opportunity to share a positive conclusion.

[CantExplain]

How long was it since you saw him last?

I am considering a single visit to Madame T after two year's absence. I think it might go OK if I don't talk about therapy!

Originally Posted by CantExplain

How long was it since you saw him last?

I am considering a single visit to Madame T after two year's absence. I think it might go OK if I don't talk about therapy!

I last saw him in mid December. I would recommend it if you are sure it will be a positive experience. I knew that this ending would be helpful (though it exceeded my expectations) but I don't think I would have done it if I thought there was a chance of it causing more pain.
Hope it goes well for you if you decide to do it

[nervous puppy]

So happy it went well for you Echos!! I am a bit jealous you got a hug, though

Originally Posted by nervous puppy

So happy it went well for you Echos!! I am a bit jealous you got a hug, though

I was really surprised, especially when he went for the cheek to cheek kiss because his touch boundaries have always been so strict.
Here's a virtual hug from me

Echos

I hope you find comfort in warm memories of him.

[ThingWithFeathers]

I'm really glad it was a healing experience for you. You deserve to have a healthy closure with T1. And I'm so glad he gave you that hug - how meaningful.

Thank you

The initial euphoria has faded and been replaced with sadness, but I'm still very thankful things went the way they did.

Thanks for sharing one if the few happy endings. It might not seem happy r you but it seemed liked the best possible ending.
It shows huge growth and courage to recognise what was going on with your t and you. Perhaps in the future you two could be friends.
I wish you luck with your new t and with your counselling course

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Perhaps in the future you two could be friends.

That would be the greatest thing that could happen to me in the world ever (I think )

Thanks for your kind words. It feels really good to share a positive experience on PC for once