[Suraya]

My T made a comment at my session two weeks ago about how she’s never known me to not be depressed. I didn’t refute it at the time but just kind of dumbly nodded along. She was also saying how I am against medication and if exercise isn’t helping my anxiety, then I might just have to accept that I have treatment resilient depression. As I often do, I just went along with her words at the time and then processed it more during the week, after the session.
The truth is, during the four years I’ve been with her I haven’t always been totally depressed. I’ve even been off my antidepressants for a bit of time because I was feeling better last year. Last week I went in and told her this. I also told her that I’m not against medication; it’s just the trying new medications and tapering off old ones that I don’t like because of all the side effects. But in fact, I went to my pdoc and am in the process of tapering off one and starting a new one.
So I’m not really mad at T or anything – I guess I just feel like she is making assumptions and judgments about me and being so depressed that I can’t get better – ever. And then I start to think about it even more and wonder if she’s right. After all, she is the professional who’s been working with me for four years and she says she’s never known me to not be depressed. But then what is she supposed to be doing to help me with all this? Don’t you think after four years I should be feeling better? I start overthinking everything and wonder if it’s really that I’m treatment resilient or if it’s just the wrong T I’m working with. But then I can’t even imagine leaving her because of the attachment I have to her.

[Inner_Firefly]

It sounds like you have very clear thinking and you know yourself better than others know you. You know you haven't been depressed the whole time. It was hard to react in session, and easier to think when you're home and have time to think of how to respond to T's assumptions and judgement. Just becasue T says something doesn't make it true. There is no benefit in believing that you have treatment resistant depression. Instead it may probably best to focus on what you can do to make yourself feel better. If I were you I would also feel a bit weird to have T make assumptions about me. Hope you're able to talk to her about this!

[SnakeCharmer]

It's interesting that you called it "treatment resilient," which I find to be a really cool and exciting term. If depression or some other mental state isn't going to get better no matter what, it's called "treatment resistant."

Treatment resilience would be the total opposite of that. In other words, that was a fantastic Freudian slip that sounds like you're ready to say it doesn't matter what your T thinks, you know yourself better and you're able to be resilient even in the face of statements from your T you don't agree with.

I hope you'll tell T at your next appointment that you feel far more resilient than her assessment and that you have had times of feeling better and that you're not averse to medication, just averse to the difficult adverse reactions of tapering and starting a new med.

At my last doctor's appointment I had a discussion about a physical condition I have that's officially been labeled treatment resistant. I go along okay for a while and then it knocks me flat again even though I'm doing all the treatment things I'm supposed to do. I asked about changing meds. He was against it, said I was doing okay and was "resilient" in the face of a treatment resistant disorder. A serious one. I'm still doing okay.

That's probably why I loved your term. I'm going to start calling myself "treatment resilient," which to me is going to mean that every time I get knocked down either by the disorder or meds side effects I'm going to pick myself up (as soon as possible) dust myself off and keep going. And I'm going to ask my doc to help me do that.

You know yourself (we all know ourselves) better than anyone else can know us. I hope you share some of that info about your resilience with your T. It sounds like you've worked hard to stay resilient. I wish you the best.

[Suraya]

Ha ha - good catch! Maybe it was a Freudian slip because I certainly did mean resistant - lol!