Testing Therapist?

I apologize for the novel length post, but I'm having trouble figuring out if I'm just done with therapy and ready to move on or if I'm trying to test my T.

My T is great, very warm and friendly, and allows texts and emails, which really helped me keep the connection during the week. A few months ago I revealed details of some CSA. It took two and a half years with this T to get that far and was a big moment for me. In a subsequent session, I referred back to the csa and he had no idea what I was talking about. He had forgotten! He was incredibly embarrassed and apologized profusely. We hashed it out and I felt at the time that our relationship would be stronger for this. It was very unlike him to forget and he said he was still trying to figure out how he forgot, but he thinks it's maybe because it was so hard for him to hear the details because we are so close and ??? I don't know...We talk about our relationship a lot and since then it feels like he's kind of backed off from the texts and feels more distant. Like he responds with typical T stuff "thanks for sharing" "can't wait to hear about it next week". There's nothing wrong with that per se, it's just not as warm as he used to be. I can't figure out if I feel the distance from him because maybe he realized that he was too close, or if I've been creating the distance.

In a recent session I was talking about hugs and physical contact. He said he always wants to give me a hug at the end of each session, but he wouldn't unless I asked. This made me feel a little freaked out, but mostly happy because I thought it was proof that he wasn't pulling away at all and I was just thinking he was.

I think it would help if I went over the details of the csa again, but I'm just kind of over it at this point. I don't want to go back there, especially after him forgetting, but maybe that's the only way we'll both heal from this rupture. I think he's waiting for me to tell him again, but I wish he would bring it up. I wish he would say something like "I'm ready to hear about the csa if you're ready to tell me." Even though I know he is, it would be nice to har it from him. I want him to push me on this topic until I break down and tell him again. I hate that because if I want to tell him so badly I should just tell him and not play games.

Anyway, these past two weeks I haven't texted him at all and we feel so distant. I just don't know if I'm doing it on purpose to test him, try to get him to text me, or bring it up in therapy, OR if I'm just ready to move on and live without his support. Can it be both?

I have a history of cutting people out of my life for seemingly minor offenses and that's something I've been trying to work on. I don't want to repeat the pattern with him. I guess I will talk to him directly about all this, but it feels like we talked about it so much already, I don't want to belabor it.

A good T is not going to chase after you for contact. He is allowing you to take the lead, and if your lead is to distance yourself, he will probably allow you to distance yourself. If your lead is to not talk about your abuse, he will respect that and wait for you to bring it up when you are ready. Most T's will not text a client without the client initiating that contact.

You can move on without therapy if you feel you are ready. You said you are done talking about the abuse. Is continuing in therapy about you needing to continue to work on yourself, or at this point, is it just about your therapist? That might be where your answer lies.

That's a pretty big thing to forget. His reason for it doesn't make much sense, either. I would imagine he hears a lot of painful histories and is trained to be present in session. I don't think it's a minor offense. It's what he's paid to do. I guess I would want to know if he forgets other things you've shared or was this just a one time occurrence (even so, that's not the topic to drift off of and forget).

You could be testing him...but is it worth it? Have you considered taking a break? You can go back, but it will give you some time to sort through things for yourself, maybe see another therapist to discuss this with.

Oh, and I just read Lola's post. It does sound like your therapy has become more about your relationship with the therapist.

Well done for working on issues and for trying to stick it out. You told him something personal and he forgot, yes a T is human but I can see why that would be hard to move on from. Can you say something like "ever since we talked about CSA, I feel you are distant from me. I need reassurance you are still there"? Bring up any issues as many times as you need. This is your time.

That is a HUGE thing to forget. I am not sure about his excuse of forgetting because it was too painful. Really? A lot of his job entails listening to someone's most painful secrets. If he really did forget for the reason he said then, wow, I would be so uncomfortable with that. I would worry about him being too close and I would also worry about disclosing other things or discussing the abuse further. If he can't distance himself from it then I'm not sure if he can really help you heal from it. I personally would have a huge issue disclosing again because I wouldn't want to cause him pain or whatever he claims it caused him.

The therapist I see now forgets how many kids I have. That doesn't bother me at all. I think it's kind of funny actually, but if she forgot abuse disclosure for the reason your therapist claims I would really be unsettled and worried about the therapy.

Forgetting is one thing, but in this instance the reason for forgetting is disturbing. It's hard to tell if it is an excuse or genuine. Either way it's strange.

My T, who I've worked with for six years, missed an obvious body modification I had done. Like, it's on my face dude. Seriously, one day I was in session and he was like, "Oh, hey, you got X done" and I was like, "I've had it for a month. I pointed it out to you when I got it."

No, it's not as serious as CSA by any stretch of the imagination. What I'm trying to point out is that the human brain is super weird. He may have been trying to find a reason why he forgot because rarely do we ever like to admit that our brain failed us in such a serious manner.

He screwed up and he screwed up badly and he knows it. The thing is, in any long term relationship, people are going to eff up. This is the perfect opportunity to work through it. You may want him to ask you about it, and he doesn't know that. If you trust him, if you want to talk about it, you're going to have to take lead. I think you can decide how much of a rupture this is. Grace for yourself and grace for him too - and a new step in the right direction of not cutting people out when they fail you because in the end, everyone is going to trip up - some worse than others.

I get that people are human and forget and that is totally understandable, maybe even about abuse (although that is such a difficult topic and therapists should at least make a note or something) but doesn't it bother anyone else that this is the reason?:

" he said he was still trying to figure out how he forgot, but he thinks it's maybe because it was so hard for him to hear the details because we are so close and ???"

Really? That is so weird and bizarre to me. I get that it could happen in a non-therapy relationship, but in therapy? It doesn't seem quite right to me.

It sounds like to me that he was fishing to make up an excuse for why he forgot and it came out as something non-sensical. In other words, I think he really just forgot because he forgot and he didn't want to cop to it.

I am bothered both by his forgetting and by his reason. I would not be able to leave fast enough, but that's me. There could be more to this. On the surface, I would not be able to get past it.

Thank you all for the responses.

It is very weird that he forgot. We had been working up to that level of detail for some time and he's never forgotten anything before. He even remembers little details from years ago and people I've only mentioned in passing. His reasons for forgetting were weird, too, I admit. If this had happened a few months instead of a few years in, I would certainly have bolted, but we had a great relationship until then and I didn't want to condem him for this slip up. As I mentioned, it's a pattern for me, so I wanted to work through it and I thought we had.

He did seem genuinely sorry, embarrassed, and just as confused as me. He said it was something he was going to discuss with his own mentor. So, we worked through it and I thought we were good. I did bring it up again a few weeks ago and asked him if he had talked about it with his mentor and he said he hadn't and didn't say much more about it. I think that's when the whole situation started bugging me again.

I feel like I'm kind of over the csa (or not over it, but just mentally exhausted with it), or at least not wanting to go back there at the moment, because I feel like I've done a lot of work myself over the past few months on it while we've been talking about other things in session. It's kind of good that I've been able to work on it on my own, but then I'm kind of like...why am I seeing a therapist?

I think a break would be good, but I've also got a lot of big things coming up in April that I'd like his support on.

Sounds like there is some counter transference going on. It's your call what you do next.

Perhaps you can just spread your sessions out a bit if you don't think weekly sessions are necessary right now. I kind of do mine as needed anymore rather than regularly and it works well for me. I'm actually just getting ready to start back after a 9 month hiatus. I don't think I'll need too many sessions to work through what is going on right now, but I'm planning on perhaps a month or so of regular sessions and then I'll play it by ear.

The second one I see would probably inquire as to whether something was going on.

Thanks for this. I know it, but it's good to be reminded...it just sucks

Maybe he dissociated? I do it all the time and am not aware of it, it's embarrassing to be caught "with your pants down" and when questioned about it he had to scramble for an excuse.

I'm sorry this happened to you! Good luck with your decision.