Touch in therapy...it's gone.

musinglizzy · Apr 03, 2015, 09:52 PM

I figured I was just obsessing.... I don't think this is the last she's heard about this topic, but I figured I'd give it a break....since she seemed to be getting frustrated anyway, and see if giving it a break made me feel better about it. S'pose I just need to let it go....but figured I wouldn't know unless I tried. My feelings haven't changed yet....but I've only had 2-3 sessions since we quit talking about it.

Gavinandnikki · Apr 04, 2015, 09:22 AM

When this type of "impasse " occurred with my therapist, I HAD to beat the dead horse! It's my therapy, my topic, no matter how frustrating for her. I would demand that the time and toptic were mine- no matter what. Eventually, we would work through it.

Now you guys have an even bigger problem than withdrawal of touch. The problem that you now have to filter your words because she can't handle them, or doesn't want to , or whatever. That's a deal breaker for me.

I think you're doing the right thing by just seeing how things feel for a few sessions. But surely your patience will run out soon and you'll need to discuss it again. How can you not????

stopdog · Apr 04, 2015, 09:53 AM

It never bothers me to frustrate the therapist. I figure it is good for them to know how it feels for me to deal with them. I even told the woman that once when she said she was feeling frustrated - I said "good because now you know how I feel every time I have an appointment with you"

musinglizzy · Apr 04, 2015, 10:21 AM

GavinandNikki and stopdog...thank you. You're right....this topic isn't finished yet.... and stopdog, I loved your reply!!

musinglizzy · Oct 11, 2015, 07:03 PM

I'm bumping this up for BoulderOnMyShoulder. 7 months later, it still hurts. But therapy, somehow, has managed to continue.

musinglizzy · May 29, 2016, 07:58 AM

Talking to someone made me go back and re-read this thread from over a year ago. This is still heavy on my heart, and I am still with her. most of you who would read this know what's happened since. I am now seeing THREE T's. My plan was to choose one, that just hasn't happened yet. T1 is psychodynamic, T2 is CBT and T3 is SE. I think T3 will be my winner, although I like T2 and have found her helpful...but I really only want to see one T.

So I made a step in the right direction last week by telling T1 I'm considering going down to once a week (I have been seeing her twice a week, for nearly the entire two years I've been seeing her) Reading this thread again kinda helped me feel a little validated, because I have been very hard on myself for a long time due to the fact that I can't seem to "move past this." I love this T. But after this rupture, I do not find her helpful anymore, so I know it's in my best interest to leave. Attachment sucks.... but maybe leaving will be easier now that I have a great connection with T3. She is very kind and loving, and I don't have to question that, I feel it in my heart. So starting with her, I think, will really help me move on from T1. I will forever miss her. Beginning the week of June 13th, I start seeing T3 twice a week instead of once, so my plan is to cut back on T1, if not possibly quit all together. This is not easy....but I know what's in my best interest better than she or anyone else. And what T1 thought was in my best interest ended up being VERY harmful for me. T2 said what she did was "retraumatizing" for me, and I definitely feel that way...and hope that some day, I can snap out of it. Her decision has greatly affected my life. Because it didn't just stop at the touch. "Love" was taken away, extended Emails, or check in Emails stopped, her hugs went down to barely touching me, and then pushing me away if I held on more than a couple seconds, and most recently, she took texts away. She said this was not just for me, but for everyone, and I know I wasn't misusing texts, but it was nice to touch base once in awhile if I was having a rough day, just to hear from her. She DOES, however, text me very occasionally....so share a photo or something....and if she does, I usually respond by Email, I don't want to fall into that texting trap. It's just too much with this T. I gotta start figuring things out, but I feel like I'm going in the right direction with T3. She will help me get through this.... but it's SO hard. And I feel so shameful that I still have such hurt feelings over this, over a year later!

rainbow8 · May 29, 2016, 08:39 AM

I'm sorry that you're still feeling hurt by T1. I wish she would have acted differently so you could come to terms with all the losses, but she seems incapable of doing that. I think seeing T3 more is a great idea, and will enable you to quit T1. You know my T is an SE T also, and I think she's great! I think SE requires a special, loving, accepting kind of T, and your T3 sounds like she is that kind of person. I would trust your gut feeling. Good luck, and don't be hard on yourself! It's not your fault!

AllHeart · May 29, 2016, 09:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I gotta start figuring things out, but I feel like I'm going in the right direction with T3. She will help me get through this.... but it's SO hard. And I feel so shameful that I still have such hurt feelings over this, over a year later!

It sounds to me like you are figuring things out!! The attachment piece puts you in a very difficult position to leave T1. You are taking steps in the right direction to do that. You are getting there!

I don't think your shameful feelings will ever subside as long as you are still seeing T1. You open yourself up to this kind of self inflicted torture every time you see her. She is the trigger because she is your abuser. None of this is your fault.

Thanks for the update. I really hope the transition away from T1 will go easier on you than you expect.

BayBrony · May 29, 2016, 10:47 AM

What AllHeart said

musinglizzy · May 29, 2016, 08:57 PM

Thank you!!

Mondayschild · May 31, 2016, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't know where to begin. My T and I have had a rocky road with touch and she "took it away" too, but then she "brought it back" in a different way, via somatic experiencing, which is a therapeutic method of incorporating touch into therapy.

Early in therapy we used to do Internal Family Systems, and a child part wanted to hold T's hand. That's how it all started. Yes, touch is powerful, and it was the best part of my therapy.

My T did not tell me she was stopping the touch, either, but I knew. It was obvious, after over a year, that she withdrew her hand sooner, and made comments like "only for a minute" or something like that! She totally stopped the touching when she thought one session that I was "crossing over, that it was becoming sexual for me". It wasn't but she disagreed. We didn't discuss it much but she did tell me she wasn't going to hold my hand anymore. She would still hug me, though.

I was devastated becaue I used to ask her many times if she was ever going to take "holding my hand" away, and she reassured me that she was not. But she did. I survived, I guess because of the strength of our relationship and my knowing how much she cared about me, even though I felt she was wrong and I felt she didn't believe me that it wasn't sexual.

I brought it up periodically and she gave me different answers, like "it was her stuff, not mine", and "it felt tired". At least that was more honest.

Last year, or the year before (I'm sorry I don't have a good sense of time unless I look it up), she agreed that she was wrong and she was going to reinstate holding my hand! I was shocked. She make it clear that there was a specific reason to hold my hand, and that was to help calm my nervous system so I would have that inside of me. I didn't care. The feelings I get when holding her hand are the safest, calmest, best feelings I've ever felt.

So, musinglizzy, I empathize with you. I lost some of my trust in my T when she "took touch away" without explaining it the first time. When she reinstated it, every session I asked her if she was going to "take it away" again. Finally she told me I don't have to ask that each session because she is not!

I'm not sure how my story relates to you. I happen to think your T's email is sincere, and I like that she signs it "love". I can tell she cares about you very much. My T didn't realize how bad I would feel when she decided to stop holding my hand. I agree that touch is very powerful, and I wish my T had discussed it with me instead of gradually taking it away. She even told me "did you think we were going to hold hands for the rest of your therapy?" Well, I did!!! Now that she is a SE practitioner, she changed her mind. I'm not sure I like that either, but I'm happy with my therapy and my T. She did what she thought was best at the time, and her good qualities outweigh her weaknesses.

Ts can change their minds, which is something else to gain from my experience. I never thought I'd be holding T's hand again but I am. I also didn't think she'd ever email me again, but she does that too. I know it's best to be consistent, but circumstances do change.

If I were you, I'd keep talking about your feelings with your T. Sometimes that's as helpful as the touching. There are other ways you can be close to your T too. I wish you the best with this situation.

How does somatic experiencing work?

#Life is a beautiful lie#

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Touch in therapy...it's gone.

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