Does your therapist really care?

Thanks sidony and withit,

I'll try.... a caring therapist wouldn't compare me with other clients/patients.... wouldn't say "you're not depressed, you're anxious" and then completely turn around and say I was depressed....... wouldn't encourage the transference and then step on it like I'm an ant..... I know these are all in negatives. I guess I'm still feeling pretty negative.......

fuzzy,

this is a great question and its one of the issues im having with my T at the moment. It seems that no matter how much say "says" she cares, i cant quite beleive it. I mean deos a person who knows you are very unwell and does nothing about it really care? My T is getting really pi-----d of with me on this issue. But i keep dredging it up.

((((((((((( atg ))))))))))))

Maybe you're with the "wrong" T too.... it's always a bad sign to me when they start getting pissed off..... I used to hang on too long I think and kept asking the question trying to get a better answer? But maybe they don't have one.......

I think if you have a good fit with a T who cares, you just feel it and you don't feel the need to ask. They would intuitively understand you and not continually misunderstand you like I have had....... and you could see the warmth and caring in their eyes......

Fuzzy, how long you been with this t?

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Fuzzybear said:
encourage the transference and then step on it like I'm an ant.....

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That sounds like a pretty serious rupture in the alliance. I'm so sorry. I hope you can repair if you need to, or seek out something that is more therapeutic for you.

I have never had any doubt that my T cared about me. I just feel it. We have had our ups and downs, though, and have to work at the relationship, just like relationships out there in the real world. The more time we spend together, and the more I share and the more he accepts and helps, the better it gets.

It's mostly a former T I'm talking about..... if I was having issues with a current T like this I probably wouldn't post it.... a couple of years though This T started out "nice" but looking back, there were some red flags ......a part of me felt I needed a long break from T .... and another part didn't .....after being so traumatised

An NHS (British Health Service) T described me as "ambivalent abouit her .... already"..... and how "confused" she was by me......when I saw her for 3 sessions. Growl at me. In fact she was right though, I was terrified of being hurt again I still am but I need to try, and all your wonderful support has helped....

Thanks for the validation sunrise, this particular T also said things like "you can do whatever you want to in here and I'll analyse it"..... and then told me he had never said that I guess he could have forgotten or even I could have remembered wrongly but I don't think I did.......I feel as if I've growled about this on here too much already. I do appreciate all the insight and validation though, you guys are great!

Something I need to work on is expressing the feeling in the moment...... things would have gone better I know if I'd been able to do that, instead the pain and confusion came up in the next session, or even later.....I'm not sure why but boundaries and coping strats were never discussed......I was talking to a friend just now who shares my dx and has had similar disappointing experiences with T''s so I'm not completely whacko, it's just hard for T's to understand people with "avoidant traits" I think because they so rarely present for therapy...........

I don't know if this makes any sense

I think you are a much wiser bear now ((((hugs)))) and can help keep the T on track While some Ts do utilize "confusion therapy" at times... it doesn't sound like what your old T was doing (at least not well.) hehehe

I'm glad I have the T I have.... and even moreso today... I have hearing loss for much of high tones (female voices) and I only have missed what my T says (guy) a few times.

I think this thread is great fuzzy! You're doing a good job working through your thoughts about a T... and while you travel this journey, your posting is helping others who are also in a similar place.

I read somewhere that their T doesn't believe in God, while they do (another member?)... I think that's important thing to ask about. It might not come up for a long time, but at some point belief in a higher power is important. Even if a T doesn't personally believe, they need to be able to support you in your belief.

Heya Fuzzy

In therapy is where you work on expressing the feelings in the moment. Gosh it's not easy and I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get there, but I am willing to go and practice.

Ambivalent is a word my T used about me. It is interesting. It fits; it's hard being pulled in different directions, like wanting to be in therapy but leery of it at the same time.

Keep talking about it! Here and with a T !

I have decided this time (umpteenth attempt at therapy) that when I get that urge to quit... THAT is the clue that it's time to stay right where I am and keep working. Sometimes, all I can do is show up and that's ok.

ECHOES

Thanks Sky and ECHOES for your insight and understanding

I'll keep you updated!

i'm not sure how much therapists have to really care to help.

i think it is possible to be a competent behavioural therapist or similar without really caring. it is possible to provide the information and the strategies that the client can employ to affect change without caring.

but... depends what you mean by caring, i suppose.

there are problems in the vicinity when people care too much. there are most definately problems when clinicians put themselves in / allow themselves to be put in the 'rescuing' role. overinvolvement can be as bad as underinvolvement.

dunno...

Thanks for your reply ak.... I know what you mean about overinvolvement and the "rescuing" role.... not from personal experience in therapy but I do know what you mean

I guess good therapists walk a tightrope......

yeah.

liking client has been found to be correlated with helping client.

but maybe they like the clients they feel they are helping
rather than helping the clients they like

further investigation...

;-)

(AK, it needs further investigation...lol...You're a mighty deep thinker) (parenthesis cuz I don't want to digress from the thread topic)

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_Sky said:
While some Ts do utilize "confusion therapy" at times...

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Sky - Is confusion therapy actually a technique that is taught? I sometimes wonder if my t is purposely letting me believe she doesn't remember something I've told her in the past.

Yeah, I agree too, my first T acted like he did at first, then got distant, even nasty, before we had to move with hubby's relo.
Sadly I do think to so very many, it's just a job.

grrrrrrrrrr for too many it is ((((((((((((( Roe ))))))))))))))

OT Wow DE that sounds like your T had issues...and in becoming distant and nasty was his way of dealing with your leaving? Or maybe he did that to "help" you not miss him??? Not a very good example imo

When a t says the kinds of uncaring things I'm reading about here it could leave the client with a host of negative feelings such as shame, disgust, self-hatred, longing, anger, etc. It's important to do a reality check by getting outsider objective opinions, and by our objective opinions here it seems that yes indeed your t messed up pretty bad, Fuzzybear. If you feel you have been betrayed, violated, manipulated, or more, that's because those kinds of behaviors from a therapist elicit this kind of response from a client. These are normal responses to an abnormal situation.
I feel myself getting angry at your t for having done those things, said those things.
You deserve to be in a therapeutic relationship that is founded on respect above all. I do hope you are experiencing that with your current therapist, and if not, we're here if you want to do a reality check....

Thanks withit..... you've described exactly how I've been feeling

I don't let anyone close now.... therapist or not I would say more but my lips are sealed Its the old ******** of blame the patient, ya know?

And why trust another of the same breed after such abuse? It takes time

I wasn't allowed to see another T in the same practice

(I remembered a whole bunch more of his uncaring words last night.... that I had conveniently? forgotten ...)

Thanks for at last putting into words how I am "not allowed to feel" ..... the rest of the "Health Service"... wherever I went, backed him up

Now I'm worried he will read my words.......

Fuzzy, I can relate. I was with an excellent to for a few years and I have to admit there was a foundation of respect there. Very caring, committed, compassionate therapist. Helped me heal in more ways than not.
Then something occurred between us, a very unusual situation, not normally seen in psychotherapy, don't wanna go into details....she had a reaction to the situation....there was a shift inside herself. I began noticing signs of her being less 'there' for me, such as she no longer returned my calls the same day, she no longer engaged with me on a certain topic (to which she had a reaction), and a number of other clues....When I asked her about it she always had an excuse, instead of the usual listening to me and hearing me out and empathising.
There was also a shift within myself, I no longer trusted her. Probably because I feared her. And where there is fear there is no trust. I feared her negative responses to my self-disclosure. When I told her this, she responded that it was MY issue, not having anything to do with her....
Well, I finally gathered up the self-respect and terminated treatment with her.
I said I would never trust therapists again, but then I revised it and said, SHE did something to make me stop trusting her, but another therapist can do better. I got ahold of the book, ''The Therapeutic Alliance'', talks about rupture and repair and who contributes and if and how can it be repaired, etc. I got a lot of validation in that book.
Recently, I've begun seeing a new t, and I keep telling her how hard it is for me to trust her as a result of my experience with my previous t. I began recounting incidents that had occurred bet. myself and the other t, and she was quite surprised that a therapist could have done those things!
Every time I see her I tell her how hard it is for me to trust her and that I fear she will do the same thing as my other t.
One time she said, ''I am not she'', lol
This week, when I again said that it is so hard for me to trust her, she threw this question at me, ''Is this because of what happened with the other t or did you have issues with trust prior to working with the other t?"
I wasn't ready to talk about it, so I just said, ''hm, that's something I"ll go home and think about''. She didn't press for more.
I know she's good cuz she has an excellent reputation, she has been referred to me by at least two other people who know she does good work, and I trust myself to be able to notice any red flags. So far I haven't seen anything coming from her that would make me not trust her, so I know it's all coming from me. And she understands that and is ok with that, she's gentle with me.
I told her I'm frustrated at not being able to trust her, cuz I'm waiting for the trust to be there. Once the trust is there I can really utilize my time there.

Oh I can so relate to the 'blame the patient' theme. My previous t did that but my current t totally disagrees with my old t's behavior. She says, 'your old t betrayed you big time!'
She's outraged.
Funny, as I talk to my new t about the betrayal and stuff, I keep remembering stuff that I had also 'conveniently' forgotten. I know I've been wounded and I know it will take time to heal. I'm committed to stick it out and find healing in the end.

((((( withit ))))) (if ok)

Sept. he is weird, and a lot of things proved it, even his forum at another site, which I won't divulge. But a few professionals had read some of his stuff and told me his was way out there, soooooooo it can't be just me, eh?
It's all in the past now, so I just chalk it up as another of life's lesson and chapter in my own little world.
At the same time, I had a very kind, supportive woman T, and she didn't have the title, "psychologist, PhD." either, just a real compassionate person who liked her career.
Ah, like anything in life, there is good and bad.