[lauren_helene]

Hi everyone!

Before I forget and start over analyzing the details of my session, I figured I'd update you now.

I was planning on going in there today and talk about some of my concerns but I wasn't as upset as yesterday.

Well, around 9:20 this morning, his assistant called to re-schedule me. Immediately, I was thinking damn it, it's the insurance again!!! I told the assistant that I had off work today and wasn't available any other day this week. Which is true. He then said it was fine and we'll see you at 11:30.

But that did it. I was very upset again and I was kind of shaking. I quick bought a new journal and started writing. I made a list of the things I feel have been happening since the insurance started intervening. I was still shaking once I got there and was almost unable to go into his office. But I did.

It took me a couple of minutes to start in on my list. He kept saying it was okay take your time. Finally, I was like I need to tell you what I have been feeling since the insurance interference. He was like okay...

I told him that I was upset that he set a graduation date with the insurance company. He said "they demanded it". I asked well then whose patient am I? He continued that "he has a contract with them that he cannot ignore. He asked me if I can afford to pay for every session out of pocket because he would love to tell them to f%@# off. But then they drop him and me".

So, I said I don't think I have any of this wrong. I have a pattern of stuff that has transpired since this started. I felt the need to say, "as a former investigator, I'm usually not wrong when I make lists like this". He said "but you are wrong, completely". I was totally handling this like an interrogation! I feel bad about that now.

I then said, well, I don't think you care about me anymore. He asked "why don't you think I care about you anymore" and I said well if any of this is true then you don't. I just kept going...

For example, I said well you agreed that you thought it was appropriate to talk about reducing sessions. I said, "We never talked about this before the insurance issue". I then asked unless you are trying to break this unhealthy attachment you think I have. That did it! He leaned forward and said:

"<said my name> I don't want to be unkind to you" (I think he was kind of telling me I was being unkind to him).

Because then he continued with how "my insurance company is the lowest paying and gives him the hardest time with all the patients that have them". Requiring all sorts of documentation and the minute he said to come in 2x per week, "they started hounding him. He said he gave them a graduation date far off in the future and never planned on meeting it. It was to shut them up". He emphatically stated that it was to save me from having to pay for additional sessions.

He's thinking about dropping them in the future and has talked about just going on a cash basis with his patients.

He was concerned that I was so visibly upset and he did encourage me to keep going by the way. He said "this is good, keep going"...he said "I am not trying to get rid of you, I don't know why you keep thinking this". I was like you know me...don't you? You knew what sort of impact this would have on me right? He said that "no he didn't".

He went on to say "you are so mad at me" and he did look hurt. I backed off at this point, feeling a little silly. I responded with "no, I'm not and then I said...are you all ready for this?...I said "You know I love you (my head was down so to avoid seeing his expression). If I didn't, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be gone as I usually am.

We didn't analyze that comment thank goodness. I changed the subject and filled him in on what else has been going on with my emotions lately.

For example, my ex-husband, my boss and another old boyfriend that popped back into my life yesterday. My plan of quitting work to go back and take some classes, finish my certifications and then go contract with some companies. I mentioned having a second child and he said "I'm not supposed to give you an opinion but I don't think you are there emotionally"...I kind of agree. The plan is classes and certifications first. I could've left that out of the discussion.

I then told him about the problems I recently had taking Ambien where I was doing things that I don't remember with my husband. I would sometimes take Ambien and not go to sleep right away. Any way, learning of this and piecing it altogether made me feel violated even though I know my husband loves me and wouldn't violate me. But I started having bad thoughts about a sexually abusive ex-boyfriend.

Sorry this is so long. I think it went well. He doesn't want me obsessing over this. I then said well when your assistant called to re-schedule and that was number 8 on my list. He asked "why did he do that"...I was suprised that he wasn't aware of this. He further commented that they have been having some issues since they started remodeling and maybe it's because of that.

When we finished and I went out to pay, his assistant gave him something to fill out and was waiting for him to finish. So my therapist said to him "will you please finish helping her" and the assistant and I exchanged glances. I felt bad about that too. Maybe he was mad at him. He then said, "see you next time <my name>...

It was a tough hard session on both of us probably. But I think I'm over this insurance stuff now. I said all I really can say on the subject. Plus, I have other issues to cover and would rather focus my energy on that.

So what do you all think? I think maybe finally I got him to show that he cares!!!!!!

[SecretGarden]

More later....

but...

It is none of the insurance company's business if you see this guy or not. They just determine how long THEY will pay. You can continue to see him as long as you and your therapist desire.

JMO....

But good for you for getting all of this out there. Whoohoo.

[sidony]

Wow that sounds intense.

Y'know I think I'm glad my therapist doesn't deal with insurance at all. I can only collect because I have out-of-network benefits (he accepts no insurance), and I do all the paperwork. It actually makes it easier since he never has to deal with them directly. I'd worry about it too if he were dealing with them on my behalf. But just remember: he's got to tell them something, and it probably doesn't have anything to do with what he actually thinks is good for you. He just needs to keep them off your backs!

Can you afford to go out-of-network if he drops them? It might end up being less stressful if you can swing it financially.

Glad you could tell him you love him. I've never been able to say that to my therapist, though naturally I do. I think he's incredible. At least I managed to tell him that I'll miss him next week (he's out).

Wow, you touched on so many intense subjects! Sounds frightening but helpful.

Gotta get back to work (ugh).

Sidony

[lauren_helene]

Thanks Secret and Sidony. It was intense or at least as intense as I am able to be with him. The last thing I want is for him to say 'okay thanks now we're done here'...

I'm already hurting more than he is right now. I feel terrible that I made him feel bad.

He looked confused, so while it was helpful to have today's session, my intention was to get some sort of relief from the pain but I think I inflicted it instead.

I wonder if part of me wanted to make him hurt like I've been? Well it hurt me more now that I am reflecting on it.

I don't see him again until next Tuesday at 6:15. It's going to be a long week all! I will make every attempt to not obsess about this. I promise...

I wasn't at your session, Almeda. But... I loved it just as well.

You experienced real emotion in session, and you kept with it. You said that now you finally got him to admit that he cares about you. How do you feel right now? Do you feel like he cares about you? I hope so. You mentioned that you feel bad that he is hurt. Next session (this is your assignment from me, ha ha) I think you need to ask him if he is hurt by what happened. Sometimes we reflect on own feelings onto our Ts, so it's important to check in with him to make sure your perception is accurate, you know what I mean? When I read my journal to my T last week (in which I completely cursed him out and called him every name possible), I was obsessed with the fact that he was going to be hurt and offended. I checked in with him about this a number of times. His responses helped me to see that this is a unique situation, and it is okay to do this to him. The idea of experiencing that intense emotion in T is to be able to demonstrate that emotion without judgement. If you feel that your T is hurt and you feel bad about displaying anger, you should definitely bring this up to him. You want to feel comfortable in all of your emotions when you are with T. Anger, sadness, whatever. If you spend too much time feeling bad that you think you made him feel horrible, the full benefit of releasing emotion with your T will be limited. And then you might be scared to do it again in the future. I think it sounds like you had a great, breakthrough-type session. My only concern is that you check-in with T next week-- to clarify what's going on with your thoughts as far as him feeling bad as a result of what you said.

[MissCharlotte]

Almeda,

Your ability to communicate is phenomenal! I hope you can continue with this T if this is what you want, despite the insurance reimbursement issue.

[SecretGarden]

OK people like to tell me that pdocs/T's have feelings too and OK... it is true I do think. (OK I know.) The deal here is that you are having your own therapy and it is important that you get this out. He encouraged it and as I like to think... He is a big boy and that is the roll he has taken on.

So you beaned him... You also told him you love him. I know it is not a trade off but I am sure that touched his heart. I think that T's challenge us and I think it is o.k. that we challenge them on occasion. You released to more than your T... you released and shared alot of your past in that visit. He, on some level, knows this.

You have given him your heart... the good and the difficult part. You gave him your insides....almost I think down to your toes. This is actually ... if one thinks of it...from you who has such difficulties with this... a major compliment to him... oddly enough.

I would correct myself in relation to my earlier note that your insurance company probably would have probs paying if you went 2x a week if only paying for 1x. That seems questionable but otherwise... I stand with my earlier statement. I do understand how frustrating that is for everyone involved. It is abundant with managed care, psychiatric or medical... It has rightfully ticked off society. You are his patient.

I think that you might be able to back off the insurance issue...but there are some connections I think there that might need to be persued. I do not know. You and your T would know better.

Do you know how old your T is and how long he has been in practice? This insurance issue should not be a new issue for him and the emotions connected are not unusual. Now... getting them out of YOU .. that might have surprised him. ?

Hey. I think that things perhaps didn't go as well as they could have...

I'm sorry that he wasn't able to shut his hole and just listen to you say how you felt about various things without jumping in to defend himself. I think that it could have been really useful for him to have just listened... And used what you said to investigate how you felt about the prospect of termination (abandonment) and the like.

Instead... He took it personally and got defensive. So then, of course, there is the temptation to justify your upset, and then there is the temptation for him to defend himself all the more... And the cycle of invalidation and disconnection has well and truely got up off the ground.

E.g.,

>I felt the need to say, "as a former investigator, I'm usually not wrong when I make lists like this". He said "but you are wrong, completely".

He failed to see that you were expressing your FEELINGS about the events that had transpired and that feelings can't be wrong. You were defending your feelings and he was defending his acts and so you guys were talking past each other really :-(

> He went on to say "you are so mad at me" and he did look hurt. I backed off at this point, feeling a little silly.

I'm sorry he couldn't take / accept / hold your anger :-(

Sounds to me that while he might be able to accept positive transference he has difficulty with accepting negative transference.

I'm sorry.

If I were you I'd be feeling a lot hurt and disappointed and mad right now. And that is just in response to that particular encounter, that isn't even going back to the other stuff.

I'm sorry.

[lauren_helene]

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sister said:
Almeda,

Your ability to communicate is phenomenal! I hope you can continue with this T if this is what you want, despite the insurance reimbursement issue.



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thank you! Yes, I'm still soaking it all in...I think I can still continue as painful as it might be.

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:

You experienced real emotion in session, and you kept with it. You said that now you finally got him to admit that he cares about you. How do you feel right now?

Well, he didn't really admit it but I think I felt it in the room.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

You mentioned that you feel bad that he is hurt. Next session (this is your assignment from me, ha ha) I think you need to ask him if he is hurt by what happened. Sometimes we reflect on own feelings onto our Ts, so it's important to check in with him to make sure your perception is accurate, you know what I mean?

Yes, I definitely know what you mean. I need to do that perhaps more than anyone else on this board. I know my perceptions are not always accurate.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

You want to feel comfortable in all of your emotions when you are with T. Anger, sadness, whatever. If you spend too much time feeling bad that you think you made him feel horrible, the full benefit of releasing emotion with your T will be limited. And then you might be scared to do it again in the future.

I agree, I will check in with him. I did ask if he was mad at me at the end and he said that he wasn't. Maybe shocked is a better word now that I am typing this all out. Maybe it wasn't hurt it was shock?


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[lauren_helene]

Aaaahhhhh, I can never get the quote thing to work like you do Pink. What am I doing wrong here??

[lauren_helene]

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SecretGarden said:
So you beaned him... You also told him you love him. I know it is not a trade off but I am sure that touched his heart. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I sure hope that is what he took from it. I was firm but I never yelled or freaked out. It is the first time I've ever done this with him and I'm thinking shock was more the feeling...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I think that T's challenge us and I think it is o.k. that we challenge them on occasion. You released to more than your T... you released and shared alot of your past in that visit. He, on some level, knows this. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

Oh yes, I'm thinking he cursing my dad out tonight...<giggle>

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

You have given him your heart... the good and the difficult part. You gave him your insides....almost I think down to your toes. This is actually ... if one thinks of it...from you who has such difficulties with this... a major compliment to him... oddly enough.

Trust me, if I didn't love him and be attached as I am, I would've have never gotten as far as I have. So you are right, that is a compliment to him <making a note for next week></font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

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It is abundant with managed care, psychiatric or medical... It has rightfully ticked off society. You are his patient.</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

Yes, he conveyed this quite strongly this morning.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I think that you might be able to back off the insurance issue...but there are some connections I think there that might need to be persued. I do not know. You and your T would know better. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I will back off the insurance discussion. The real issue now is how I perceived him feeling, translated it, obsessed over it and reacted to it.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

Do you know how old your T is and how long he has been in practice? This insurance issue should not be a new issue for him and the emotions connected are not unusual. Now... getting them out of YOU .. that might have surprised him. ?

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I'm not sure about his age. I am thinking early 40's? He mentioned once that in 1986 he was working on his grad degree. I was 16 at that time and I am 37...

I think you are on to something about him being surprised. It took me a year and almost four months to get to this point with him today...surprise or shock I'm thinking.

[lauren_helene]

I give up on the quoting at this point.

Thanks Alex for pointing out that he was being defensive. I was wondering a little bit ago about that.

I can address that as well next week <making another note to self>. This was huge for me and I truly wasn't being mean, although, I just remembered that he said 'you're being mean today'...eeek!

Maybe he can't take the negative transference??
Is that called counter transference? I think I saw that word once when I was looking something up.

i don't know much about computers or HTML but i think i've got the general gist of quoting and the like. in what follows i'll replace square brackets
[
]
with curved brackets
(
)
because otherwise you won't see what i'm doing.

i want this line to show up in a quote box

so what you do is surround the lines in code as follows:

(quote) i want this line to show up in a quote box (/quote)

if i use square brackets instead of round brackets this is how it displays:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i want this line to show up in a quote box

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

if i want embedded quote boxes then i can do that too as follows:

(quote) not embedded (quote) embedded (/quote) not embedded (/quote)

if i use square brackets instead of round brackets it displays like this:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
not embedded </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
embedded

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> not embedded

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

instead of doing the brackets you can 'quote' someone instead of replying to them. it puts the code in for you. but if you mess with the code (by copying and pasting stuff or by moving it or deleting it or part of it or something then things get a bit messed up).

hope this helps...







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[SecretGarden]

Negative Transference: I went through a time of really having negative feelings for my therapist .. as he reminded me often of my father or really appreciated things about my dad that frankly pissed me off. I knew that this was not always something that my therapist might enjoy but he told me he would hang in there with me... if it was not forever. I was able to tell him what pissed me off and why and confronted him in many ways. He was strong enough to take this on and it was not overly pleasant for us but it was necessary and powerful work. I appreciate the strength it had to take for my therapist as a man, a person, a therapist, a professional to take this on and allow what needed to happen to happen.

[sunrise]

almedafan, I'm glad you felt your session went so well and that you got from it what you needed--the feeling again that your T cares about you as well as clarification about the insurance issue.

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"as a former investigator, I'm usually not wrong when I make lists like this". He said "but you are wrong, completely".

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I don't understand this. What was he saying you were wrong about? It seems to me you have been asking about the insurance for several sessions now, and even last session you posted that he told you he gave the insurance company a graduation date just to placate them. But now in this session you ask the same thing, like you didn't believe him before. Maybe that's what he meant by "you are wrong." He already told you before but you didn't seem to internalize his answer. Maybe his "you are wrong" was a way to really get your attention so his words would sink in.

I pay out of pocket for my T and not having insurance to hassle with is so great. Expensive but great. I think your T is going the extra mile for you as he tries to deal with a difficult insurance company that is a lowball reimburser.

I'm glad you were able to get all this out in the open and your T could again answer your concerns about insurance. I hope his words stick with you and that you can carry them around inside and replay them again whenever you need reassurance. That's great you told him you love him.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He looked confused, so while it was helpful to have today's session, my intention was to get some sort of relief from the pain but I think I inflicted it instead.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
It's hard to tell from what you wrote whether he was really hurt or not. When my T is confused by what I say, he always asks for clarification. Did yours do that? Are you really sure he was hurt? Maybe ask him next time. Also, if you really feel you hurt him inappropriately, you can always apologize to him next session. I apologized to my T once, and it was a really good moment. He started telling me at first that I didn't need to apologize, that it was not an issue, but I told him it was an issue for me. He quieted immediately and let me apologize because he knew I needed to do it. And he thanked me, and then said how great our relationship was. So almedafan if you continue to feel you inflicted hurt on your T unjustly, by all means tell him you're sorry.

Yes, on the basis of what you have said it sounds like he was quick to defend himself (to justify his actions) where he really should have shut his hole and just heard you out.

Because he attempted to defend his actions as reasonable he invalidated your emotional responses as unreasonable. What he should have done is to shut the hell up and pur you first by doing the mmm hmm i see thing to help you get it out... Then tried to understand the origins of your feelings. Instead... He put himself first and reacted from his need to defend himself. Yeah, probably because of counter-transference. Maybe he has issues fairly generally with feeling like he has to defend his actions all the time or maybe it did indeed occur to him that he hadn't handled this issue the best and hence it was really important to him (to his ego) to justify his actions.

That is of course his issue... And that is an issue for him to work out... But work it out he should indeed or it is only going to interfeare with you working through your issues.

For example:

It became about HIM feeling upset and your having this urge to apologise to him and placate him.

I'm wondering... Whether you have a habit of this? Whether people have threatened either explicitly or implicitly that they will withdraw their love if you don't shut up about something or if you don't placate / soothe them.

I'll admit that I'm wondering whether your feeling good after this session is because you are trying to repair and trying to put things right and that you know that expressing positive transference to him (saying that you love him) and talking to him about issues in your life (so he feels competent and helpful) is a way of 'earning' his love again.

He couldn't take your rage. Your fear your anger over this insurance issue. Instead of processing that with you he defended himself and then the session becomes about your placating him.

I could be wrong... But this is the way it reads to me...

I really would be interested to know what he thinks about this take on the situation...

I really really would...

ok. so i have to be careful here or i'm going to rant (if i'm not ranting already).

IMHO this is one of the HARDEST things for a therapist to do: to be able to appreciate that the thoughts and feelings and so on and so forth that the client is experiencing are typically more about the past than the present.

the positive feelings (love, admiration, being soothed, feeling happy in the presence of or when thinking about, etc) are more a response to past stuff... and the negative feelings (hate, annoyance, anger, disappointment, etc) are more a response to past stuff too.

sure most people can give lip service to this notion, but how many people truely understand it? in times of distress it is much harder...

it is easier to respond positively to positive transference (because it makes one feel GOOD) whereas it is easier to respond negatively to negative transference (because it makes one feel BAD). but really, the notion is that it is time for us to GET OVER OURSELVES and realise that the clients responses are more responses to past stuff than to present stuff.

because in a way what you were doing was feeling the waters to see how he would be capable of responding to negative transference. and IMHO he made a serious blunder by taking it personally (where he should GET OVER HIMSELF) instead of appreciating that IT ISN'T SO MUCH ABOUT HIM and taking your disclosure as a precious opportunity to show you that it is okay! he can handle the negative transference okay!

but... he didn't.

but that is okay. there is another learning opportunity in the vicinity. round 2 so to speak. if you were to raise this with him how would he respond to that? would he repeat the pattern and get defensive (maybe this is in fact a pattern for him) or would he be able to see the pattern and give you a different ending by being able to shut the hell up and hear you out and help you understand the origins of your emotions? who knows... but i really do imagine... that this issue will recurr in various guises. it might take a little while for it to recurr (one is in 'good client' mode now) but recurr it will... maybe it was a bad day for him or maybe it is a hard issue for him and maybe he will do better on different days or on different issues. i hope so.

because it is a %#@&#! of a situation that you are in now. i mean... with respect to being able to muster the courage after the way he handled it already...

i'm so sorry.

this is an issue i struggle with a great deal. IMHO my t should NOT have told me that his wife was going to have a baby and that that was why he was taking time off. but done done can't be undone. and now i'm having all these thoughts of maybe something happened to it and stuff like that. i don't want to tell him about these thoughts because i don't want to get him worrying about something happening to it... i dont' want to trigger him... but it isn't supposed to be about him dammit he is supposed to be there to help me process my %#@&#!. do i have the courage? no, i do not. so i bring it to the boards. maybe one day i'll be able to share this (once i know it is alright and stuff) or maybe not. i imagine he didn't know how intense my transference was already. he was trying to build rapport by being interactive whereas enough of the interaction already if i know too much about you i'll discover your weaknesses and then it isn't safe because i'll get to ruminating on those... dammit... therapy is hard.

there are a lot of therapists out there who are incapable of not taking things personally. of course everyone has issues they struggle with and of course when one is vulnerable they struggle with things they wouldn't struggle with when they are in a better place... not taking things personally is indeed one of the hardest things in the world to do. IMHO that is the mark of a GREAT therapist compared with a COMPETENT therapist. there are plenty of therapists out there who don't seem capable of this. or maybe they were capable of this with their OTHER clients but not with me. I think i'm a hard case... but... hate him as i do at times and rail at his incompetence as i do at times it is one of the things i admire greatly about bob. brick wall the little %#@&#! can be but i've never ever ever ever ever ever ever seen him take it personally and react / retaliate / respond from his own %#@&#!. %#@&#! amazing. wish i had it.

being able to hold the bad.

you should be able to say things in therapy like:

'i thought that you had abandoned me'

and the therapist should be capable of processing the origin of the feeling rather than responding defensively

'i did NOT abandon you'.

you should be able to say how you feel without the therapist defending and justifying themself. in order to do this they have to understand (well and truely) that therapy is about understanding the origins of the feelings. of course this can be overdone when people say they feel annoyed because the therapist is regularly 20 minutes late, for example (though there processing the origins can still be useful even though in this instance it would seem that behavioural change would be required).

it is hard... i don't know. partly it is about trust, i guess. i simply don't trust that i can tell my therapist some things because i simply don't know whether he is capable of holding some of my internal states without getting defensive or without having uncontrolable behavioural responses of his own (such as aversion or disgust). time will tell, i guess. but any therapist who thinks trust is all or none is clearly mistaken and people do have limitations in fact.

i do not at all mean to suggest that your therapist isn't a terrific therapist. i do think that the way he handled this was unfortunate, however. i don't suppose... you would have the courage to raise it again? don't matter really whether you do or you don't as things like this have a habit of recurring all on their own...

[SecretGarden]

Well yes that was a bit of a rant Alexandra but Alameda... short of persecuting your therapist ... this is all excellent information that Alexandra has provided. It is important that we can rant and express whatever is in our soul and know that we can point blank spill it ... and still know we are safe to do so. We are opening our souls in effective therapy. This was a wonderful step for you. No need to guilt yourself. In order to get to where you need to be you will need to expose your raw soul however that may happen and expressing your anger to your T is a part of that..via a transference.

This could be a learning experience, hopefully for both of you. I think that this should not be swept under the rug but fodder for discussion perhaps off and on for quite some time to come.

[lauren_helene]

Hey Alexandra, I appreciate your thoughts on this. I did sense some defensiveness but it doesn't surprise me. As my husband and boss say to me all the time. "If you tell me I'm incompetent and reduce me to nothing with a smile or in a calm, firm voice, you are still telling me this and it hurts".

I like his approach because it told me that he was affected. Now, I agree with you that the insurance issue is dead and now we should focus on the feelings. I am afraid to lose him and I do love him (in a family kind of way). My main issue is I know that one day, we'll never see each other again and I'm not dealing with that very well.

You also hit the nail on the head with me placating those I love when they are upset with me. I wanted him to know that I was upset but I still loved and respected him.

The other issue is he isn't always clear with me in his responses. I ask him questions all the time and get short responses. I'm not very good at remembering to come back to him either. It hits me after I leave. I'm guessing this is very ADD of me.

That is why yesterday I was using my interrogation-style format. That means every response is challenged no matter what it is to determine the 'real itent' of the message.

This format requires being firm, calm and steadfast in my questions. The good news is I got the intent and now can put the insurance issue and thoughts of him trying to get rid of me to bed.

The not-so-good news is because I care so much for him, I am affected by how I 'think' I made him feel. I don't know for sure and this will be topic #1 next Tuesday. I will not mention the interrogation structure but something tells me, he figured that out on his own anyway. He knows of my prior 7 year work history...<giggle>

It did take me a year and four months to even attempt this with him. So, the method was carefully considered and it shouldn't be used frequently.

Thank you Alex!!!!!!!

[lauren_helene]

Hi Secret!

I agree is a learning experience for both of us. I want him to be himself during sessions. I don't like quiet, say nothing therapists. I've dumped every one of those I've ever had.

Having said this, I need to learn to deal with him as he is. I've told him this before but I need to start living it. Otherwise, how will I change my over-analyzing and negative assumptions? I think in time and I have to practice with him.

Another topic for next week!!!!

[lauren_helene]

Sunrise!! He said I was wrong about him wanting to get rid of me. And I was wrong that he didn't care about me. He doesn't understand why I keep saying this. So, I laid it out again why I was feeling the way I was.

I think he was truly trying to make it stick that 1) I will never get rid of you and 2) I do care...

He did ask me for clarification plenty of times. I gave it the best I could. I need more reassurance that it is okay to be myself around him and he won't abandon me.

Another point for next session!!!!!