[floridaman38]

I am having a problem with knowing how to address an issue that I need in my sessions and would like some information of how to ask for it. I am a man who is seeing a female therapist. I can't see a male therapist because of trauma in my past by men. I feel that I may not get the comforting and safe feeling that I need in order to open up more and get some real help. I wished to be hugged and touched on the shoulder and back. In fact I kind of require it. I feel safer when this happens with other people who are not speaking to me as a therapist, events such as church prayer meetings or gatherings. I yourn for companionship and want to have more that just a conversation with someone who may not seem to care after the job is done. She states on her info page that she is very compassionate and that is one reason I picked her but in our last session I was hoping for a hug but only got a handshake and a manly firm handshake at that. I am terrified to ask for something that I look at as a "I don't want to be touched" attitude from my therapist. I never got touched in my childhood and was often left alone so this is very important to me and I am serious about it. I have read some of the other posts about it and I want to know how to ask for something so simple as a hug. I also know my boundaries. Please give me a truthful comment if you have one thanks.

[Virginia1991]

This very thing was big for me too. I could not ask face to face. I feared rejection so much. So, I asked via email. I have the green light to text/email any time and she responds 95% of the time. She responded that she would be happy to. It was very healing for me at the time. I will say that it does come with its challenges. I too was not touched as a child. My mom did not like any touch. This has left some crazy issues regarding touch for me. I only ask for a hug sometimes and sometimes she offers it. Here is one example of a challenge for me: last week I asked her for a hug at the end of a session. She did but her hugs are quick and she barely touches me. I internalized this and believe she really doesn't want to hug me so I told myself I no longer am going to ask. So I guess you just need to be prepared. You need to be able to accept whatever answer she gives, etc. it doesn't hurt to ask. I have asked for other things as well. For her to sit by me, put her hand on my back, sometimes it feels good to just put these things out there.

[TheWell]

I had a conversation with my therapist about this. I had been seeing him for five years and was so afraid of rejection that I couldn't ask...So this is how I did it.

I told him I needed to ask him a question but I didn't want him to answer the question until we thoroughly talked about it. That way if his answer was no I would know why and I wouldn't take it personally. We spent most of the appointment talking about how hard rejection is for me and how hard it was to ask that question. Which I did ask at the beginning after my speech.

My one on one T is not a hugger. He told me that and told me how much he liked me and how much he liked working with me. I feel like I still need to talk about it with him more but I felt good about how connected to him I felt afterwards.

My group T does hug me and will hug me whenever I ask. I also crave touch and feel like it's very important.

[floridaman38]

virginia1991, I fully understand what you are saying and believe that I feel abandonment issues and it is hard to know how to ask for what you want or what to expect to get. I feel safe when someone hugs out of compassion I feel they are truly concerned about my feelings. Thank you for commenting

[floridaman38]

TheWell, thank you for you comments, I may try to do just that. I find it hard to express myself in person. Over the internet, emails it comes easy but not in person or over the phone. Thank you for commenting and helping me to figure this out