[Soccer mom]

My T. is always telling me to say everything because it's a piece of the puzzle that she needs. I have maternal transference with my T. as most of you know. I had very intense feelings for her last summer. While they are still there, they are not as intense and I can manage between sessions much easier. I now know WHY I have all these feelings!

When she asked me months ago to state my needs, I felt like a little girl and told her (tell me you care, you will always be there for me, etc). We figured out I was around 7 years old when I attached to my 1st grade teacher. Just recently my T. said that she believes I experienced some sort of trauma in my childhood but I couldn't remember any. It kind of disturbed me that she thought that - I wondered what happened to me? I also have a hard time telling her any of my feelings convinced that she will judge me, belittle me, leave me, etc. even though I KNOW she won't.

So, I asked my brother who is a lot older than me and a psychologist to be honest and let me know about any trauma I experienced - especially around that age. He did and it explains EVERYTHING. He said my mom didn't want to be hands on with me - changing diapers, feeding, cuddling. She left that up to others as much as she can. He also remembers me having a breakdown and my parents wouldn't soothe me - I had lots of fear and anxiety. He suggested to them that I needed to see a therapist and they never took me. Basically, I WAS emotionally neglected.

This realization is HUGE. It totally explains all my crazy feelings towards my T., my reactions to her, EVERYTHING. I can't wait to share this with her. Now that I understand WHY, I feel like I can really talk to her more freely! This is a huge breakthrough. While I burst into tears reading my brother's email, I feel a little bit of a weight lifted.

[H3rmit]

That sounds huge. It's nice to have these realizations and make sense of things. I'm glad for you.

[Arha]

That sounds like a really important realisation.
I had something similar, which came about as a result of revelations rather like yours from older siblings, and also small comments on childhood memories by my T, which gave me a different perspective to that of the child I was then.

You may have a lot of memories that will look different to you with this added context.

It is a huge thing to have this revelation, and then comes a lot of processing over the next few weeks at least, if not longer. Don't be surprised if you feel emotional at times or if your mood isn't what you expect in some situations. Give yourself time to mull things over in the subconscious, because this is a big change in perspective, and although it can seem straightforward, it takes a while for you to incorporate it.

[WrkNPrgress]

I am amazed for you. Congratulations. Something else stuck out to me in reading your post: Not only have you discovered this part of your own history, but were able to reach out to your brother and get this information, which shows me you two have a great bond.

It's wonderful that you can help each other like this on such difficult topics.

[AlilBirdie]

Thanks for sharing. Your other post makes a lot of sense now. I hope this new piece helps you put things together or at least resolves some questions.

[PeeJay]

Such great news to get clues to your past.

While in therapy, I got curious about the foster home that I lived in for the first several months of my life. I stayed for a short stint at a group home as an infant, and I found out from people familiar with my story that an external child services worker found me laying on the floor in filth, starving and naked.

As early as six months, I'd learned to feed myself and wouldn't let anyone else feed me. Or so I'm told.

Apparently, I was severely neglected as a baby. My therapist thinks this explains some strange reactions I was having as an adult. It's almost as if my body and psyche deeply remembers these experiences, even if I do not recall them on the surface.

I hope you're able to integrate this new understanding into your life and heal from it. It's one thing to know the cause of your angst - an important step - but quite another to recover or heal.

Wow! Sounds like really good wrk soccer mom! Glad you were able to reach out to your brother, too.

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My t told me once that she suspected I was not breast-fed. It was such a wierd thing for her to say one, and two I could never bring myself to try to actually find out...

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[Soccer mom]

I know I wasn't breast fed either.

[JustShakey]

I wasn't breastfed either. I remember T asking me that and saying 'yeah, I didn't think so' when I told him...
I actually have a story to go with it - my mom had a c-section and she says I was too big and laying right across her c-section scar and I made it too uncomfortable. I still have to figure out how a newborn manages to lay across a scar that's at the bottom of your tummy and still be able to reach the breast... Not buying that one mom, sorry...

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[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Arha

You may have a lot of memories that will look different to you with this added context.

It is a huge thing to have this revelation, and then comes a lot of processing over the next few weeks at least, if not longer. Don't be surprised if you feel emotional at times or if your mood isn't what you expect in some situations. Give yourself time to mull things over in the subconscious, because this is a big change in perspective, and although it can seem straightforward, it takes a while for you to incorporate it.

I found my baby book last night. My parents were out of town for my first two birthdays. Really? And, my mom wrote that when I spilled juice I would say "I bad girl". Which means they taught me that statement. So, yes, memories are looking different with this context.

I went from feeling a little relieved (about my feelings towards T.) to a little angry. I can't pinpoint the anger but I keep picturing myself in session throwing something. I actually had the thought I was mad at my T. over the weekend. I've told her how much her eye contact means to me (like she's piercing my soul - painful yet intoxicating) but she never said that it was probably because I didn't get it as a child. Maybe I told her that and she didn't have to. It will be an interesting session today telling her about these findings and relating them to my feelings....

[StressedMess]

My mom didn't breastfeed any of her 5 kids, except the oldest. I remember her talking about him having "colic" and being miserable and she blamed it on nursing.

I think my mother's mental illness was the reason she couldn't effectively parent us, though.

[Arha]

I hope your session went well.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Arha

I hope your session went well.

It was fine. I felt like (and I think she agreed) that I was telling someone else's story - couldn't find any emotions to go with it. I think I separate myself from my emotions especially in front of others.

[rainbow8]

I'm glad that you found out the information about your past from your brother and that it solves much of your puzzle. It will probably take a while to process it all in therapy but at least you have something to work with.

I wish I could solve my puzzle like you did yours. My older brother said he was late by about 10 minutes picking me up after kindergarten once because his teacher kept him there, and I was outside huddled against the stairs looking devastated. Everyone else had left. I don't remember that incident at all but it doesn't seem like enough to cause all my problems. I told my T but I don't think she thought it was significant enough. My Mom didn't breastfeed me either. She said she didn't have enough milk. She said I had someone else's milk because I was a preemie. I assume in a bottle.

[laxer12]

I'm really happy for you that everything is making sense now! I'm sure it feels good to know why you are the way you are and now have something specific to work from.

I connect a lot with your story. I attached to a teacher in 5th grade when my parents did not give me as much attention because they were busy dealing with my dad's suicide attempt. I totally understand wanting people to say they care and that they are there, those are probably some of the best words I can hear from someone.

My hope is that you and T can work through this and resolve some of the challenges you have because of it.