If your therapist tells you that they love you,

We have different opinions about this issue. I doubt mine will ever change and yours probably won't either.

I will always think a therapist who says it is using at least poor judgment.

I would be a tad uncomfortable if my therapist told me he/she loved me. Our relationship is more business like. They are there to teach me and I am there to learn from them. Although they do sometimes learn from me as well.

It was not always this way. I have had other therapists and Doctors I got very close to. But I do not recall love ever being brought up then either. My present day therapeutic relationships seem to be working so much better. Or am I better?

Jeebus. I'm sorry, that sounds terribly painful.

My parents told me they loved me back when...and it did a whole lot of damage to me. I trusted them, then I learned to trust no one. Fortunately, I finally had a good therapist that was able to redefine love for me and to model what it looks like — no strings attached. Now, I am able to receive love from my parents with no need to attach to their strings and be whipped around. The strings just let them dance in the wind. Weird thing is most of those strings have blown away, and for this I am grateful.

I disagree. I do not believe that you can say it is "always" irresponsible and incompetent for a therapist to say "I love you" in therapy. That kind of black and white thinking is very invalidating to those of us who use "love" in therapy and find it to be beneficial. There are few things that are "always" good or "always" bad. Like most things in life, I believe it is case specific. It depends upon the therapist, the client, the context, the particular relationship, the length of time working together, etc.

My T was skilled enough to know that being genuine and authentic with me-- and saying "I love you" when she felt it-- was both helpful and appropriate in the context of our therapy relationship. I had said it first, and it was four years into our work together. She knew me well enough by that point to know that I would receive it in the spirit in which it was intended-- it was platonic, it demonstrated the deep connection we have built over time, it showed me that I am in fact lovable despite what my dysfunctional family told me as a child, it was a selfless (I don't need anything from you) statement of love, it proved to me that she intends to stick around and continue this journey with me, and it demonstrated that yes, I'm her job, but I'm not *just* her job. If I had said "I love you" and T had NOT said it back, I think THAT would have been damaging. Of course, I was willing to take that risk-- but I think I took that risk because I already knew that she did love me. Her actions do show it, but I need the words too. The words make it "real" to me. T has now said I love you about 4 times, over the course of a year. I think it's just as helpful now as it was when she first said back then. Nothing horrible or terrible has happened in the intervening year. In fact, therapy has become even more connected and even more helpful. For me, this works and no one can tell me otherwise. Certainly, some therapists are unethical. But I do not believe that a therapist who has been working with a client for 5 years and occasionally says "i love you" in a platonic way is committing an ethical violation. I have good boundaries and a healthy understanding of what my therapist is (and is not) and saying "I love you" has not given me any unrealistic expectations, made me dependent on her, or anything like that. Quite on the contrary, I have been able to internalize that love-- like, I assume, many children who have moms do-- and it has made me feel more self-assured and more valuable as a person, which has made me more willing to take risks and go deeper in my RL relationships.

I work with kids. Over time I grow to love them. I never say it to them. But I wonder if they sense it in my actions and my care for them. Unconditional positive regard. Support, empathy, encouragement. Accepting them as who they are.
So if I think of my T working with me, he said his job was to show me a safe relationship with a make then I could go on to have other healthy safe relationships with other men.
I think his actions speak louder than words. The way he is towards me in session is the way I am towards the kids I work with.
So if he said he loved me, I wouldn't think he meant it in a bad way.
A lot of people have the wrong definition of love which is where all the trouble starts. So for that reason, it's better for them not to say it.
If he did say it to me though, I wouldn't automatically mirror a response. I'd say thank you for being a loving therapist, and being kind and encouraging. I don't know if I could actually love him because I don't know him as a person. I know very little that matters about him. I only see him once a fortnight. But I do recognise the erotic transference as a separate thing. I am just plain attracted to him but that's nothing to do with what I'm there for.

One t I had after my mother died was like a mother figure to me. She said she loved me and I was worthy of love. Because I feel my mother didn't love me when she died suddenly and we hadn't spoken for two years. We were almost meeting up when it happened. But Liz comforted me through it all. She gave me a statue called the sign of love. She wanted me to know that I was loved. It was the most healing thing.

Sometimes love could mean many things. I also would not tell my students I love them even if I do. It could be misinterpreted. I do say that i care

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Nope. But if that's what you want to believe, that's your choice. Your beliefs are not my responsibility.

I understand that and never said that my opinion applies to every person's experience.

It'd be great if you quoted me saying those exact words "my opinion is the only correct viewpoint". If you can show those words anywhere in my posts then perhaps I'd consider that you might be correct saying that I paint with broad strokes

I choose "or not" but I appreciate the suggestion. I am a reasonably mindful and responsible person in my interactions and so I did go back and reflected on my postings. So far I am ok with my choice of self-expression

I, too, love a great many of the students I work with, but don't tell them that. I show it though.

I tell everyone i love that i love them, even people i work with and interact woth, and the many children in my life. And i try hard to show it as well. My t is the same. She not only says she loves me but also makes sure to show it,

I am so so sorry. Who raised you? I assume some relatives? In the same house? What a painful situation.

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Our stories are very much a like. I never knew my "dad" either. I know his name and that is about it. Today, technically being Mother's Day, is a very stressful and hurtful day for me.

Thank you. I think I meant that as I understand it, "love" comes straight from the heart as "care" can from the mind and is not always associated with true feelings from the heart. I really, honestly do not know what a true "love" is like. That is why I get so confused.

I really do appreciate your thoughts and will definitely take into consideration about trying not to get hung up on the individual words.

I know it sounds very pathetic but I really just want to know what a true "love" is like.

It's not pathetic at all

Perhaps one example would be unconditional love for one's children? Something that doesn't go away or fade over time? Something that doesn't require anything back? But then again even that doesn't seem to be the case for many.

I think true love might come from both mind and heart and "care" is part of it?



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Thank you for your kind words. I don't have any children so I really don't know about that. I am, of course, my mother's child (yes I realize that sounded really stupid after I typed it) and there was absolutely NO love there let alone unconditional love.

So, do you think that "love" and "care" can come from the same place and even when someone just says "care" it could really mean either? Like they are intertwined in some way?

Yes that's what I think. If you truly love someone you would care for them? Right? I am trying not to think of romantic love here because that's not always forever. And romantic love isn't unconditional, we do wang things back

. I am thinking of something that would not go away no matter what they do. The only love of that kind I can think is for ones children ( when there is love and care I mean not in every circumstances) and probably grandchildren ( I don't have grandchildren yet but assume it would be true and unconditional as well)

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I don't know ....I have a best friend where our love tho sometimes fiery ( there is unfulfilled attraction there. ..iI'm gay, she is straight except where I am involved , we both ended up in long term committed relationshipa with others. ..wwhich...well...she and I make big fireworks together but we also make devastating atomic bombs together ...iI think of a line from a song "wwe're like fire and gasoline, I'm no good for you you're no good for me"...we both recognize we are better off with others romantically) is a constant. I can think of nothing either of us could do to change it. It's a forever thing. We share so much history . There has been hurt, betrayal, pain but we are tied together and no matter what if she needs me I am there. She's my person.
So that kind of love comes in other places. I think parent child love in a normal situation takes far less time and effort to develop though. .

None of my T's or PDocs have said they love me...and I have had a wide range of good and bad ones. The last two say they care about me and I believe them. I don't know how I would feel if either would say they loved me. I think it would depend on context.

I have told PrevT I love her...and I do. I care about CurrentT, but don't know that I feel "love."

There's lots of things a therapist cannot know. It's trial and error. Sometimes they have to take a risk.

The problem with this is that most of those guys, if not all, do not ask the client if they are willing to have the risk taken. The therapist takes the risk with the client, without the client's express or even informed general consent, and if it goes awry, the client is the only party who suffers. The therapist goes on their merry way blaming the client for being X or Y or Z or whatever label they choose to slap on the client and absolve themselves from any liability or responsibility for the mess their risk at the client created.

Well yes. It's best if the T takes responsibility for the consequences if the risk doesn't come off.

Yes, but I think the even more eggregious part is that of lack of transparency on the part of the therapist over what they are doing and failure to give enough info for informed consent on the part of the client.