I went out saturday night. Never go out. Went too see a band with hubbys friends. Normally in crowds I feel a sense of discomfort. Never been able to pinpoint the discomfort. Just thought it was a fear of people. But saturday night I sat looking around at faces, and a book that T has on her shelf, "A Secure Base" kept coming in my mind, followed by mental image of me running back to T and then working my way back into life from there. Suddenly the fear of people, and the fear off Who am I, vanished.

Told this to T today adn she said I wonder if it wasn't the arbituary way you were adopted that you have unconsiouisly been fearing ?? That I may be given away again to Just anyone, any ole how. Thats exactly how my adoption took place. I was just given to anyone any old how.

I said YES! thats it! T asked how it felt having her as a secure base? I said it feels good!, It feels like I can start all over again! she asked how that felt? I said that is good, some people dont get the chance to start again.

I told her also how last week, my fantasy of her rocking and holding me changed. In my fantasy I went to her and held her. She asked me what I felt this meant? I said that I am begining to admit I have a need to be loved by you, she said yes and also instead of just accepting her care, I am now turning to her also!

Yes!

[Soidhonia]

((((((((((((MOUSE)))))))).
It is good to hear that you are improving and moving forward with your life. Take care MOUSE. Soidhonia

[SecretGarden]

I am glad for you. That gives me a warm feeling.

[withit]

Mouse, your posts brings to mind the term ''corrective emotional experience'', and how wonderful that your t is providing that corrective emotional experience for you, so that you can feel safe to venture out.....
In the book, ''Parenting From the Inside Out'' the authors write that when a child has a secure base (at home, I guess) he/she is free to explore and expand and venture out....I guess the same holds true for the therapist/client relationship.

(( mouse ))

I'm glad you went out and had a good time!

your T is so sweet and I'm so glad you have her! what a wonderful thng, having a secure base!

how long have you been with her, if I may ask?

ECHOES

Echoes, 2yrs 7months...

[Perna]

Neat insight! I did a similar thing with my T I think.

I realized 7+ years into therapy this last time that I'd always been uncomfortable at other people's houses (hated babysitting as a teen, for example) because when my father first married my stepmother (I was just 5) she'd take me around to all her friends and relatives and leave me with new "cousins" etc. and it was piggyback to my father raising me alone for a year after my mother's death and having to figure out what to do with me when he couldn't watch me (work and my brothers were in school) and couldn't get a sitter.

I was/am still uncertain that someone is going to "come back" and pick me up and/or, in the case of my stepmother, she was still new to me so it wasn't particularly safe yet with her much less some other adult, "aunt" or not, whom I was just meeting? I had to have a lot of faith but didn't have much choice so couldn't "break down" so I'm still uneasy going to someone else's house alone, prefer they come to mine. I'm afraid I'll be left there (wherever "there" is! :-)