[growlithing]

Yeah I know it is way early to talk about Mother's Day. LCM and I had a session today. One of the things we talked about was the importance of noticing when we are doing something for someone else's benefit and for our own. Giving and receiving. Just to put the conversation in context.

She said "you know what? For Mother's Day, I'd really love a plant for my office"
Me: "are you asking me for a plant?"
Her: "if you can afford it, I certainly wouldn't mind it"
Me: "does this mean you're my mom again?"
LCM: "I think that recognizing a mother figure on Mother's Day is appropriate. I see my therapist as a mother to me. It can be a mother figure thing and not an actual mother thing"
Me: "ha or you just want a plant and know I'd do most anything to make you happy"
LCM: "yes, I do want a plant, but I wouldn't ask you for anything or drop hints about stuff I'd appreciate you doing if I didn't think it was appropriate. Idk is it appropriate?"
Me: "are you asking me or do you already know?"
*silence*
Me: "stop it!!!" *playfully taps her foot as if I were slapping her* "I hate it when you do that and don't respond"
LCM: *laughs* "you are so crazy sometimes. I love it."
Me: "I could ask the people online (you guys) if they have an opinion if you're really interested ha"
LCM: "omg no. They probably already think I'm insane"
Me: "75% of them do. And I already think you're insane"
LCM: *laughs* "you're so cute. I won't deny that I'm not a little crazy".

Ha, I included the last part because I mentioned you guys. So do you think that giving a T a gift on Mother's Day is appropriate?

[JaneTennison1]

I don't see T as a mother figure so I guess no I wouldn't. I have a hard enough time with my actual mother.

I just find it odd that she's telling you basically to buy her a Mother's Day gift and even specifying what she wants. My own mother doesn't do that. Why would a therapist go their with a client, particularly one that she knows has really strong maternal transference issues with her?

[scorpiosis37]

While I don't see anything wrong with giving a small gift to a "mother figure" on Mother's Day (I've done it since I don't have a mom), I find it problematic that she would suggest you buy her a gift. It encourages the transference and prolongs the fantasy and she knows you often don't have enough money to buy food (she even loaned you money for food recently!). If it were your idea to make her a card or something, I see no problem with that. But it's just really strange behavior for a T or LC to ask a client to buy them a gift at all (it would be against APA/state ethical guidelines if she were a licensed T)-- and it's even more bizarre that she is encouraging the maternal fantasy after previously telling you that she is not and cannot be your mom and you need to accept that. It just seems to be a lot of mixed messages. Therapy really should provide consistency. She's certainly warm and cares about you-- it's just the lack of insight and forethought that I find troubling.

[stopdog]

It would not be appropriate for me to do so. I don't give the therapist gifts at all, but I can't really see mother's day as a good idea in general.

[growlithing]

She asked me to get her coffee this morning. She asked so she could have me wait in line for her so we wouldn't waste more time. She came to the coffee shop to pay, but I bought it for her. It was only $3 and I have been playing a lot of gigs recently. I told her not to worry about it.

She talked about that in session. She drags me to coffee shops all the time if she's running late. Every time except for today, she buys and prepares her coffee and she buys me a water bottle. We just meet there so we can wait in line together. I didn't feel weird at all for buying and preparing her coffee this morning. She said that if she asked me to get her coffee before every session, that would be inappropriate and I would feel used. I laughed and said that I would only be bothered by the $3. If she wanted me to go down to a lounge and prepare her a coffee for free and asked me to do that before each session, after a few weeks, she wouldn't need to ask and I'd just automatically do it and not feel weird about it at all.

[anilam]

I think asking clients for gifts is inappropriate. It would be quite different if you wanted to buy her stg, asked, and she suggested a plant. I don't see nothing wrong with giving Ts easily affordable gifts but I do struggle with the context you provided us with... Sorry.

[divine1966]

Duplicate

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[divine1966]

This woman continues to be unprofessional and damaging in many ways. My own mother wouldn't tell me to get her gifts for Mother's Day (unless I insisted to tell me what she wants), I don't do this to my daughter either unless she asks

. This one is not your mother yet asked fur Mother's Day gift AND you recently said you were so broke that you were starving. Plus she is being paid by your parents. Yet she asks for gifts.

If my t asked for gifts I would have a huge problem but this one is worse, she knows you are struggling with fantasies perceiving her as a mother and being jealous of her actual kid etc yet she wants Mother's Day gift from you. Wow. Just wow

She is one of the most unprofessional ones I read on here. She is not a therapist but she must have some qualifications of some sort?

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[growlithing]

She's certainly eccentric and nonconventional. I don't think she's damaging though

[divine1966]

My phone acts weird

[divine1966]

If she wasn't paid for what she does and what was just a friend, then she could be called unconventional and eccentric. She is getting paid. Asking gifts from paying clients is unprofessional.

I do hope she isn't damaging in a long run. It is unproductive to feed into clients fantasies and transference though.

It is like if a client admitted being in love with t and suffering because of it( and some did). And t would ask for valentine day gift.


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[growlithing]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If she wasn't paid for what she does and what was just a friend, then she could be called unconventional and eccentric. She is getting paid. Asking gifts from paying clients is unprofessional.

I do hope she isn't damaging in a long run. It is unproductive to feed into clients fantasies and transference though.

It is like if a client admitted being in love with t and suffering because of it( and some did). And t would ask for valentine day gift.


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I'm not suffering from my mommy feelings towards her. I don't necessarily know if transference has to always be a bad thing that people should aim to cure if you're not hurting from it.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I'm not suffering from my mommy feelings towards her. I don't necessarily know if transference has to always be a bad thing that people should aim to cure if you're not hurting from it.

you were beyond hurting from your transference. You were devastated for a long time. But ok , maybe you not anymore.

Listen every single person on this thread said what she did is wrong inappropriate and unprofessional for many reasons. You can disagree with us, but if that's many people have the same opinion, I would at least look into it.

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[growlithing]

Originally Posted by divine1966

you were beyond hurting from your transference. You were devastated for a long time. But ok , maybe you not anymore.

Listen every single person on this thread said what she did is wrong inappropriate and unprofessional for many reasons. You can disagree with us, but if that's many people have the same opinion, I would at least look into it.

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I don't necessarily disagree. I just don't know if it's a big deal.

I'd rather be hurting from my transference than hurting because she's gone.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I don't necessarily disagree. I just don't know if it's a big deal.

I'd rather be hurting from my transference than hurting because she's gone.

It is. She might not have to be gone. I just wouldn't be paying her. Keep her as a friend. But you might need actual therapist hopefully good one, but you already know that

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[Myrto]

I know you love her and I'm sure she's helping you on some level but my mouth literally dropped when I read that she basically told you to buy her a plant for Mother's Day.

Maybe you don't see it that way but man, this is not about her and her needs. It sounds like she thinks you "owe" her a gift.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. That's just how it came off to me.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Myrto

I know you love her and I'm sure she's helping you on some level but my mouth literally dropped when I read that she basically told you to buy her a plant for Mother's Day.


Maybe you don't see it that way but man, this is not about her and her needs. It sounds like she thinks you "owe" her a gift.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. That's just how it came off to me.

Entire conversation kind of creeped me out a bit

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I see the whole LCM situation a lot differently now that I did originally. We react the way we do (appalled, horrified, outraged) because this is a psychotherapy forum and we assume that's her role in the OP's life; but it's not. She's a support to the OP, and from what I gather the OP uses the money her parents send her for living expenses to pay for that support instead of using it for other things.

So now I see this as simply (or not simply) an important relationship to growlithing, but not a therapeutic one. It belongs more on the relationship forum than here, where it will be held to a different ethical standard, but this is where everyone sort of knows the deal. I guess it doesn't raise red flags for me anymore because it's a real life relationship with all the risks and benefits of being hurt/helped/messed up. Maybe one day, therapy can help sort it all out, but that's not going to do any good unless the OP wants it.

[Gavinandnikki]

I think some of us get the sense that one day, inevitably, LC is going to do something so egregious and hurtful that Growli will not handle it at all. Even worse than past LC screw ups. It's like a ticking bomb. Inevitable. And no therapist to help her through it.

[phaset]

Growli, if she wants a plant for her office she can buy one out of the money you are paying her. It's not like she is a waitress making minumum wage and depends on tips to get by. You aren't exactly flush with cash yourself. You will probably be buying her a plant regardless of anything anyone says, for various reasons, this is why it is inappropriate for her to even suggest it. If LC*M* wanted something sentimental, why not ask for a hand made card, or a picture.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I see the whole LCM situation a lot differently now that I did originally. We react the way we do (appalled, horrified, outraged) because this is a psychotherapy forum and we assume that's her role in the OP's life; but it's not. She's a support to the OP, and from what I gather the OP uses the money her parents send her for living expenses to pay for that support instead of using it for other things.

So now I see this as simply (or not simply) an important relationship to growlithing, but not a therapeutic one. It belongs more on the relationship forum than here, where it will be held to a different ethical standard, but this is where everyone sort of knows the deal. I guess it doesn't raise red flags for me anymore because it's a real life relationship with all the risks and benefits of being hurt/helped/messed up. Maybe one day, therapy can help sort it all out, but that's not going to do any good unless the OP wants it.

No she said that is money to pay to LCM. Mom didn't know how to set up direct deposit so LCM told get to send money to growli's account and then she will withdraw and pay LCM. This is not money for other expenses

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[divine1966]

If one gets paid it is not really a relationship or friendship

Originally Posted by divine1966

No she said that is money to pay to LCM. Mom didn't know how to set up direct deposit so LCM told get to send money to growli's account and then she will withdraw and pay LCM. This is not money for other expenses

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First, does that really make sense to you that a physician doesn't know how to pay a bill? Not everything is direct deposit. But whatever. The OP has said that the money is for her to use however she wishes.

And I do think you can pay for a supportive service that is not therapy. It's fine, and works for her. It's just not therapy.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by phaset

Growli, if she wants a plant for her office she can buy one out of the money you are paying her. It's not like she is a waitress making minumum wage and depends on tips to get by. You aren't exactly flush with cash yourself. You will probably be buying her a plant regardless of anything anyone says, for various reasons, this is why it is inappropriate for her to even suggest it. If LC*M* wanted something sentimental, why not ask for a hand made card, or a picture.

No, I will not be buying her a plant if I can't afford it. If I can, I might. I don't always like being told what to get someone. It takes the love out of getting a gift for someone in my opinion.