[Jordy]

I saw T on Monday and needed a few days to process some of the things we've talked about. First of all T is really happy and proud that I got the job with her husband, and she reassured me that I didn't get the job because of her, but because I really was the best candidate. I hope that's true and try me best to believe her... but she coached me for the job interview, so she's partly responsible for the success.
I also learnt the reason why I was asked multiple times if I could work in a stressful environment: the last three secretaries had to quit due to depression.... I hope I won't end up doing the same, T is convinced I can handle it, especially if I use my DBT skills and if I call her as often as needed to learn to deal with this new stressors.

We then talked about her plans for my future (at least therapy-wise). She's giving me a couple months to adjust to my new job. Then she wants us to start seriously working on me moving out. This is where I get really nervous and scared as I know I'm not ready to handle life on my own. She also said that once I move out we can start doing DBT again and finally work on my trauma, that she will help me through this and is staying until I don't need her anymore.

I know she wants what's best for me, and be there for me. But I'm terrified about these next steps... what if I can't handle life on my own, and screw up? what if I disappoint her so much that she'll leave me? what if I just can't move out?.... there are so many questions and doubts in my head that I feel like she's asking far too much from me, like I won't be able to handle this and that all I can do is fail as usual...

[unaluna]

Dude, if you can handle horses, you can handle life!

[Jordy]

Originally Posted by hankster

Dude, if you can handle horses, you can handle life!

Thanks for the laugh! The differences between horses and life is that horses won't ever stab you in the back. If they attack it's upfront and you see them coming...

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Jordy

Thanks for the laugh! The differences between horses and life is that horses won't ever stab you in the back. If they attack it's upfront and you see them coming...

Seriously - you are attuned to signals and know what to look out for. See, i wouldnt have known that about horses. And i HAVE been too trusting in my life and been taken advantage of. At least you have SOME experience - more than i think you realize. Dont they call it, horse sense?

[Jordy]

Originally Posted by hankster

Seriously - you are attuned to signals and know what to look out for. See, i wouldnt have known that about horses. And i HAVE been too trusting in my life and been taken advantage of. At least you have SOME experience - more than i think you realize. Dont they call it, horse sense?

But being attuned to signals doesn't help when I'm my worst enemy... MY experience with living on my own is pretty bed as I used to spend my days in bed or on the couch watching DVDs and drinking. It probably wouldn't be this bad now, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to fully care for myself or do all the chores that need to be done.

If I could I'd want to spend a few months in some kind of supervised housing, so I'm not totally left on my own and someone makes sure I look after myself. But T believes I'm doing too well for this and don't need it... except T doesn't know everything...

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Jordy

She's giving me a couple months to adjust to my new job. Then she wants us to start seriously working on me moving out.

See, it says START working on moving out, not suddenly moving out in a couple of months.

I'm sure she won't move you out unless she thinks you are able to manage the challenge.

Soup

[Jordy]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

See, it says START working on moving out, not suddenly moving out in a couple of months.

I'm sure she won't move you out unless she thinks you are able to manage the challenge.

Soup

well... actually she already told me that if it was up to her, she'd pack me up and take me home just to get me out of that environment. So yes she said start working on it, but I know she means moving out ASAP!

[unaluna]

They have books that tell you everything you need to know to live successfully on your own. For special people like us ie whose parents dont teach them carp! Wish i'd known about them way back when.

[Jordy]

The thing is I know what I'm supposed to do, but for some reason I can't apply it.

For example: I know what is needed to eat healthily, or at least have an average diet. But when I'm on my own, and it's time to cook something I spend ages in front of the fridge, the freezer, the pantry nearly having a breakdown. The reason for the breakdown: I'm hungry, but feel so worthless that I can't cook anything for myself as this would be a waste of money...

Yep, total bullsh*t I know, but that believe is so strong that I can't go against it, even if I try.

[stopdog]

Is you moving out your goal or hers? She does not get to impose her goals on you - not even if she thinks they are what you should be doing. If indeed it is also your goal - then good luck with it.

[Jordy]

It's also my goal... I hate that goal, I'm terrified but I also know it's the only way I can start healing from my CSA.


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