Are we obsessing over therapy?

I think she was worried that I would be so caught up in the process that I wouldn't have the emotions. For example, I read that there can be stages of transference (which I have). If I think too much about that, I'll be constantly worrying what stage I'm in vs the emotions I need to move through.

I totally get what you're saying and I've done a ton of reading but I wasn't getting in touch with my emotions. I guess it just depends on the client. I guess you could end up reading something that says it's ok or not ok to have certain feelings and that would block them from appearing in therapy.

I think the reason I think so much about therapy these days is because it's pushing me into areas that my everyday life pretty much let's me forget. I build walls and I don't open up. People who are close to me relationally (like my H) talk about how they don't feel close to me. So part of therapy for me is trying to bring down barriers to all of this. And that's scary. That means I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about my T and therapy in general.

I suspect that if I manage to somehow survive and work through all of this, therapy will once again go back to being a quieter though important part of my life.

I don't really think about therapy a lot, so I don't think I'm obsessed. I do think a lot about the reasons I'm in therapy, which is why I'm in therapy.

I told my T. I'm always questioning my parenting and I hate that I analyze every little bit. She said eventually it will come naturally and I won't overthink my actions as much.

Mine is INTJ. Apparently the rarest.

Yeah that's probably good advice but I'm never sure. I think in the beginning I was trying to figure out how therapy works to see if I wanted to go through with it. My therapist at the time seemed impatient with my process and so things did not work out and I shut down. Later on however, with a different therapist, I was doing the same and was told I should stop thinking about that and focus on the feelings. At that point I did not have good excuses, I had read about therapy and was quite familiar with it but was obsessing like crazy.

But I remember now, I got mad that she was telling me to stop thinking about that. Told her it's so dumb that she thinks if I deal with feelings, all will be okay, as if it's all in my head. Tol her real life is scary, bad things happen to people, this is not just in my head, world is a dangerous unsafe unpredictable meaningless place. That happy people are deluded.

I said why must I keep repeating the same things over and over to her, there is no resolution. Told her it's like someone very old keep repeating, "I'm 90, I'm getting closer to death," over and over again. I said how does that change reality? How does that lessen the pain? It's like putting salt on the wound. Instead one focuses on other things we can change. So told her, Stop forcing me to deal with feelings, let me be dammit!

I said I'm preoccupied with the process the way I became preoccupied with religion when I was younger. I said I doubt the method, that by just talking about something it will all be okay. That's a huge assumption.

She said why are you coming here then? I said because when I was younger I had religion and then lost it, it was my last hope. But then I found therapy at a scary time in my life, the last minute before...you know. It gave me hope. But I don't trust it enough, and then said, Don't push me too much this is all I got, I need this to give me hope, don't ruin it.

Wow, I'm feeling triggered going over this but yeah, that was one of my more intense sessions. I actually ended up feeling quite depressed for quite a few weeks afterwards and cancelled a couple of sessions too. I still don't know if that session proved to be good or bad, in the big picture. Just very very painful.

Partless, What ever way works for you, works. period.

I think about how meditation practice tells us not to judge our thoughts but just to acknowledge them and try to let them go. Letting go is different than "pushing" them away. Maybe it's the same for this process.

We shouldn't judge ourselves for being 'obsessed' — maybe that's not even the right word for it. After reading some of these responses, I can see that this is part of the process too.

ETA: Sometimes I have a constant dialogue with my therapist in my head about what I'm feeling. I questioned myself about why I need to do that- always picture her there listening or seeing what I'm experiencing and I guessed it was about some kind of emotional validation. I did this in other ways ever since I was a kid. For me, I didn't get much verbal support or reassurance from my caretakers growing up and it left a vacuum there. It's like I'm mirroring myself, my own emotions, against an imaginary support system.

One day I was able to remove her image in my head and replaced it with my own. That whole adult/inner kid stuff. It actually worked and for a moment I felt really stable and confident. Then I immediately imagined telling my T about that achievement.

Oh well, baby steps. It's all part of the path- I guess.

Partless, I can understand where you are coming from. The fear, the feeling that the world is not a safe place, the comfort that comes from being in your head and not in your body where the scary **** and the scary emotions are lurking. But as some say, the more you run from something the more it ruins you. Anyway, no judgement, as I struggle similarly.

I think therapy should be collaboration and the T should not be trying to force you into anything but I also should not be trying to control things too much, which is my tendency.

Regarding talking about something being pointless, for me it helps me to know my thoughts better, and there can be real catharsis if the other person is really attuned.

Nice post. I agree about not judging ourselves for obsessing.

My previous therapy experiences induced little or no obsessing or excessive rumination. But the T I saw last year unleashed an avalanche of preoccupation and fixation that has not subsided at all, getting worse once we terminated.

I can acknowledge that my own history and tendencies are the central reason for this, but I also think therapy can induce or amplify this in an unnatural way and to a significant degree. And Ts need to own up to this -- that the way the process is organized can lead to unhealthy patterns if not handled well.

I just want to add that after five years of intense therapy going several times a week, my T terminated me abruptly. It was extremely painful but it took me two years to stop obsessing over him, having conversations with him, etc..

Thank you for your understanding, and you're right about the comfort of being in my head, safety of it in a way. Because when you engage with the world, it can feel unsafe, it's like the spotlight is on, it gets real, real reality and real feelings and real danger. Even fully engaging in therapy is risky. So I retreat often. Obsessing about how therapy works is one way I do it.

I appreciate your view and views from people who have similar struggles, helps me feel not alone and also see that there can be other ways to approach things and that they work.

Did he give reasons for terminating and did he give referrals or have contact with you afterward?

I have fallen into terrible obsession since terminating last year. Something I read points to a possible explanation for this. It echoes my feeling of having reached a place of intense exposure and attachment and vulnerability, and then being abandoned…

"He [DW Winnicot] warned of the treacherous transition time that ensues when the therapist encounters the long hidden True Self of the patient. In this critical transition stage the patient falls into a state of extreme dependence on the therapist until a new organization of self, one that integrates aspects of both the True and False Selves that have formerly been split apart, can form."

Budfox, thanks for posting that quote, i think that is where I was at and why it was so painful and wounding. No referals, no support, no nothing after five years of treatment, several times a week. I owed him one month after i lost my Job. That was the reason. He didn't even offer me an arrangement or reduced fee. Just an ultimatum, if you don't pay by this date, we are done. And we were. Overnight, from one day to the next my therapy was over, after five years. That's how much he cared, how much I mattered to him. In the end, the only thing that mattered was his fee. Money, not me. I read here and online how Ts make all kinds of arrangements for long term clients re payment when their situation changes, mine couldn't do that for me.

I'm INFJ. So is my t.

Very good question. I have a very short answer - YES. Yes, meaning that way too many people obsess about therapy, and, NO, it is not a good thing, because, as you've noted correctly you are in therapy to work on yourself and on how to improve the quality of your life, not to worry about how your T looked at you today and what it means. I firmly believe that when therapy becomes primarily about the "relationship" between T and client and about who said what and how in session and when people get nearly suicidal when the T says something harsh or something that sounds harsh or doesn't call them when they are waiting for their call, when there is a never-ending obsession about the therapy process - then something is seriously wrong with that kind of therapy. Unfortunately, "that kind of therapy" is very common or so it seems to be, as I observe from reading posts on this forum and other similar forums.

Here is my interview/article on this subject that originally appeared on Yahoo Voices How to Avoid Getting Abused in Psychotherapy » Therapy Consumer Guide This interview has created a big response from many people who have read it. All of them contacted me saying that it was validating and eye-opening. They had felt that they were the only one who were experiencing therapy addiction and obsession and it was driving them crazy.

I understand that not everyone would agree with my views and I am ok with that. I am very glad that many people have already been helped by the article mentioned above and by what I've been doing so far in terms of educating the public about psychotherapy process. I've got many emails expressing gratitude for what I do and it's the most important thing for me to know that I am doing something helpful to others.

Something else I read pointed out that simply taking the risk of being vulnerable with a therapist, and then having it end with a rupture, can be very damaging, especially for male clients with female Ts since we are conditioned to not show emotion or weakness. And more generally since therapy clients are apt to have had relationship difficulties and therapy is supposed to be a safe haven where one might expect better outcomes, if it goes badly that can be a real defeat.

These sorts of factors are part of what preoccupies me -- how did something that was supposed to be healing and that felt so powerful end up being ultimately wounding… this keeps me up at night and drives me to seek answers and resolution. It's like my T injected me with some poison and now I am desperately searching for the antidote.

What your T did sounds unconscionable. That is a pretty extreme sort of abandonment. Have you considered any action against him?

This is an unethical termination and you have grounds for the board complaint if you ever want to file one. He was supposed to try to work out a payment plan for you and if you and he didn't reach the agreement, he was supposed to refer you to places that you could afford. Also, after 5 years of seeing you regularly, he should've made sure that you made a smooth transition to a new therapist, which would mean that he would have to offer you some number of sessions free of charge for the purpose of making the transition.