[musinglizzy]

This is for anyone who's followed my posts. My T was talking to me today about how much I bully myself. Constantly picking on myself, will not just leave myself alone. Yeah, I've been doing that my whole life. Right at the end of the session it came up for me to talk about something. For those of you who know, I have been in some pretty intense pain for about the last two months. My gosh, it seems like an eternity. My T was talking about how I punish myself, and it was the perfect time to bring it up. I told her I am still punishing myself for my relationship with her. I've written lots of posts here about it, including losing the connection I once had with my T. I've been fighting to get it back. I still value her in my life, yes, but the connection feels lost. So I reminded her of the story of how I nearly let an uncomfortable disclosure out, and caught myself and stopped. I said "I can't talk about that." She said "why not?" And I said "because I'm afraid if I share this with you things will change." I said that more than once, while I tried to come up with something else to tell her rather than the original disclosure. She assured me "Nothing will change HERE." So, I trusted her, I believed her, and I told her. She handled it well and was very understanding, and I thought the session went well. But after that, things DID change. She put up a larger boundary, one that hurt me immensely. (this was not an inappropriate disclosure....I was informing her that I needed consistency in my therapy, and she was canceling all the time, my therapy schedule was always up in the air. I also let her know that I found her talk of her daughter triggering to me, as the topic of her daughter came up in EVERY session. I don't mind talk here and there, but this was every session.) Things changed after that. A drastic change for me that left me feeling unsafe and un cared about. So I told her today. I reminded her that I was coaxed into telling her this disclosure, but that I only did so after she assured me nothing would change if I did. So, ultimately, she lied. Right? I told her today that this is why I find it hard to talk, how can I trust her after that? I can't disclose anything like that again. And who knows, maybe telling her this today will change yet something else. In which case, I will leave. It will break my heart to do so, I know I need therapy, I need her. If I leave, I'm done with therapy, because all it has done is eff'ed me up since I started. I should be talking about my issues, not my relationship with my therapist. But seems I'm more worried about that than anything else.

I think this was trickery, or an outright LIE. She said "Nothing will change here" if I disclosed, so I did. Still reluctantly, but I did.

Anyway, this was right at the end of my session so there was no time to talk about anything else, so a few minutes before the session was to end, I stood up and told her I was leaving now. I'm not usually like that either.

She did thank me for sharing that with her, and gave me a short hug before I left. I want to say I gave her something to think about, but I doubt it. No one wants to hear when someone else thinks their wrong. Especially when they're accused of lying. I don't know where this will lead, but I'm very happy I got the nerve to say something, and she accepted it well.

[alecc]

This sounds bad. Another reason for me to be sceptical about therapy.

I mean how likely is it that a therapist really cares? Why should he?
What if you're simply a client and he talks to you as long as you pay him and as long as you make new appoinments and if you ever stop showing up he doesn't give a damn about it?

The really sad thing is that there are people (me included) who even have to go to strangers to discuss their problems with. In a perfect world nobody would need therapists. I'd rather talk to a friend who cares or a pastor who cares than to a stranger. Then at least I'd know that the advice are coming from the heart.

Not really sure it was a lie. That's a pretty loaded accusation for what may be a more internalized, unforeseen reaction to your disclosures. Sometimes we react in unexpected ways to things and we simply didn't/couldn't foresee that we'd have that response. That doesn't mean when we initially said something we were lying. It may just be more (to speak in therapy terms) of a countertransference response, and perhaps she wasn't even really aware of it.

[musinglizzy]

Lie or not, it sure makes me not want to disclose anything of importance again...in which case, what good does it do to be in therapy in the first place? My opinion is, don't say those generalized things if you're not going to follow through. Like "I will never leave you, I will never terminate you, I will always be here for you," those three things I read here on PC that Ts say to their clients way more often than they should. My T has never said these things, and I don't want her to, because it's untrue.

[Merecat]

I've read your older threads so know some of the background here. It's sounds like you asked her to manage her boundaries better (eg keep to time boundaries, not introduce stuff around her daughter etc) which may then have made her think about boundaries in your relationship more generally. Her touching you and comforting you the way she did sounded like a crossed boundary to me, though I understand you found it helpful - and she needed to be explicit about what she was doing and why. From what I can gather she's still available to you and in that sense things haven't changed but she has really tightened up her own boundaries, which makes it feel very different.

[LindaLu]

ML-you deserve better than her. I say deserve better but it sounds like you're not interested in seeking a new T. No one can blame you. You've been in through a whole lot of pain and (guessing) not enough healing.

[musinglizzy]

Thanks Linda,
This past year in therapy has been such a huge emotional roller coaster for me. I don't know if I could start all over again. I was just shy of 40 when I started therapy, when I should have more than two decades ago. I had nothing to compare it to, I know we hit it off right off the bat, and I really DO LIKE HER. I'm just finding the trust isn't there anymore.

IF I decided to leave her, I think what I'd probably do is take a break from therapy, evaluate my well-being, and take it from there. It was scary to start therapy. But now that I kinda know what to expect, I'd find it harder to start fresh all over again.

Merecat, people here have told me in the past her boundaries were too loose, and I was starting to feel it for myself, but I enjoyed it, so I let it go. I did talk to her about boundaries awhile back, and really the only thing she gave me is that she doesn't accept gifts, but will tailor her boundaries to fit the client. She said to me once, when she was having a hard time reaching me, that her take on me is that in order for me to trust her, I was going to have to know more about who she is as a person. I suppose that's why she was more open with me. And hey, I appreciated that. In moderation of course. So I have to take some of the blame, of course, I allowed it. But, when I asked her about boundaries, she should have told me of her thoughts on touch then. At the time we talked about it, I don't think she had offered me that yet.

I'm really proud of myself for what I said.... although I know I took a risk too. But if I can't be open (without repercussion) in therapy, where else can I?

[stopdog]

I think it is good to stand up to therapists.