I was stuck behind a slow moving truck on a country road and I got to a turn that would take me right past T1's house and is a bit of a 'long cut' home. (T1 worked from home so I know where he lives)
I decided to take the turn, using the justification that I would be avoiding the truck, though I know I really did it because I wanted to go past his house. I have actually done this a couple of times before, but always on days I know he works away from home.
Well, low and behold, as I approach his house I see him in his front garden. I didn't look at him as I drove past but he was facing the road and not very many cars go past his house, plus I think he would recognise my car.
After I saw him I felt totally freaked out. I was shaking. I know I did this because my current T is away and I have been processing what went on with T1 in quite an uncontained way and having lots of mixed feelings including anger towards him.
so there are two parts to this, my fear he saw me and wonders what caused me to take that route, and also the destabilising effect seeing him has had on my already fragile feelings about everything.

[SoupDragon]

I make my excuses to drive past my T's house frequently. Once I saw my T with their partner which really freaked me out.

Sorry things are tough for you right now. Soup

[unaluna]

Part of it is, look at it as information. This incident tells you more about where you are re your feelings towards your t. All of a sudden i do feel sorry for lab rats! #nomorehumantesting

Originally Posted by hankster

Part of it is, look at it as information. This incident tells you more about where you are re your feelings towards your t. All of a sudden i do feel sorry for lab rats! #nomorehumantesting

Yeah, and it shows me my feelings towards him are still completely screwed up and up in the air. I feel like I can't breathe until I see current T next week.

it's not bad, don't feel bad for it. i go past ex-Ts house all the time as she lives very close to me. i only found out my current T's address like 2 days ago...

I think what makes it bad is that I think he must have seen me, and there is no real reason to be driving that way and I could easily have avoided it.
But it is doubly bad because all those feelings are brought to the fore (as though they weren't at the fore already) and I have nowhere to take them.
I think I secretly hoped for a glimpse of him, but not him stood at the top of the garden path looking in my direction!

[divine1966]

He has no way of knowing why you had to drive there. Maybe you were attending bridal shower or dropping off some items at older relative house. You could be anywhere doing anything.

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He must have known I knew he was there and didn't look at him. The whole thing is just too weird. I think the hardest thing is that I've been having all sorts of mixed feelings about him. I still feel love for him on the one hand, but I am frustrated by his mishandling my transference on the other.
I think there is huge maternal transference because I started seeing him shortly after my mother's death and there are a lot of parallels between the dysfunctional aspects of my relationship with him and my mother. Aargh who said it would be this hard!

[AllHeart]

It's no big deal, unless of course you do this several times a day. You don't, so you're good. IF T. would happen to mention it, is there a business nearby you could say you were shopping? If not, you could say you "bought something from someone on Craigslist that must have lived in your neighborhood."

I guess it doesn't matter to me that it can be rationalised. I'm not going to have the opportunity to explain it to him anyway. What really matters is, like hankster says, what this says about my feelings for him and what an unbelievably destabilising experience this was