[PinkFlamingo99]

Thanks everyone for all the support you gave me the other day. I'm still crying every day, pretty much every second I'm not at work or asleep. It still hurts really badly. Mainly because I don't get how my feelings can matter so little.

Tears during the sermon at church today. Pastor talking about depression, about people you trust hurting you and feeling like you want to give up on trusting ppl at all. Luckily I always sit near the back and I wear glasses, and they were just a few tears so I doubt anyone noticed. Came very close to a panic attack too, had to grab the pew and count the lines in the wood. Now I'm home and I took my emergency Xanax and I'm curled up under a blanket sucking my thumb like a 2 year old.

We put up the new antidepressant Friday. Just praying with all my heart something eases this darkness.

((((pinkflamingo))) i'm so sorry you're hurting like this. I hope the AD kicks in soon.

How are you doing now pink? Has the crying subsided? (Hug)

[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm still sad about this betrayal every day. I cry about it all the time, and it's been 2 months. I'm mad at myself for being so stupid that I let myself depend on her so much for over 5 years. I don't get how she could care about me for that long, enough to be there for me constantly and let me depend on her an unhealthy amount, and then just HURT me. I don't get it. I don't. I'm so hurt and I get even more upset when I read posts on here by people who were also hurt. I think therapy is DANGEROUS.

The only reason why I'm ok working with the psychologist at the hospital now is because we talk a lot more about how to handle things and how to take care of myself and stuff... Not endless stupid triggering stuff like my fear of abandonment. I think about being hurt over and over and just can't... i start thinking about the fact that she WAS there for so long and now she's not. Even a year ago she never would have let me be this upset, she would have called to make sure I'm okay. I'm NOT. How am I supposed to be okay after she let me become so dependent and then just suddenly cut me off? What the hell???! I don't get how she stopped caring about me?? Even if she cared inappropriately, how do you just STOP?

I wish this pain would subside. I'm less suicidal than I was, but it still hurts so bad. Especially since I went in to end therapy with her Thursday and just left more confused. I don't know. I wish I never started therapy (ironically I went because my fear of abandonment was ruining my life).

[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm so insecure I don't even know how to feel.

I do think therapy is dangerous and should be more regulated than it is now. Too many people get damaged by unethical therapists.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Thank you. I so agree.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Does anybody have any suggestions for really consuming things I can do to take my mind off this awful pain? Anything that works for you? I'm binge-watching TV shows but it's not enough.