I have just been looking at post after post but getting downer and downer by the minute. Already tried Xanax and seroquil(given for sleep and usually knocks me out if I take it so I only do so periodically) but nothing is helping tonight.

My T has a real problem with remembering things and following through with things he says he or we are going to do and I try to tell myself that he is that way with everyone so it isn't personal, but it doesn't change that it really messes with me. He cancels sometimes and when we first began, he would reschedule for the next day or two, but for the last several months he just cancels. He canceled earlier this week (I have 2 a week) so I guess he thinks it I only a few days until the next day, but he used to reschedule anyway.

I know this is all about my head and my issues but I never let myself 'NEED' anyone and this is tearing me up. Today's session wasn't anything big but I am 'watching' for signs that he is annoyed with me or that I just don't matter and he just does his hourly job. I left there and just want to bawl (not going to happen, I stopped crying years ago) but I just want to and the meds aren't taking it away.

He wants to start exposure therapy for child abuse in a few weeks so I know he wants to keep sessions light for a while, but today just felt like he wished I wasn't even wasting his time.

Sorry to unload all this crap but I just needed to do something or I am afraid I wont be able to keep the tears back this time.

I want it to all go away. I wish my T cared, but I don't think he does really. I just don't know. I really like him and he is a very nice man and I know I wont leave or say anything to him about this. I had just let myself hope maybe there was finally someone in my life that would care about me, but I don't think so anymore (I know that was a melodramatic statement.... sorry but I really feel that way).

Thanks for listening, I could NEVER say these words outloud to a person so I appreciate being able to say it here where no one can be hurt and/or knows who I am. I am soooooo out of sorts and depressed right now.

[CANDC]

Sorry you are in distress. Have you ever thought that these feelings you are projecting onto the T might be the surfacing of the feelings associated with abuse in your childhood. Just that he mentioned working on this area may have touched off this volcano of hurt and pain. Maybe he sees this and is moving you in that direction.

I know these responses are from then and just my 'issues' but he doesn't know the 'emotional' hits that happen. I have had physical panic attacks off and on for years that we have talked about and he HAS seen me have a hard time emotionally when he has given homework that discusses stuff like this and that is why we are going there in a few weeks (I have to complete some work that I have to be 'present' for and can't risk the emotional basket case I might become when we begin). So we have talked about this coming up and have been slowly working that way for a few months, but this is different today. His cancellation Monday has had my mind beginning to realize that I don't think he really does care after all and today I just got that feeling very strongly. I like him, he is a generally nice and caring person. Everything just seemed like something has messed up this week and all is gone.

he has no clue about how things are today and the emotional pain that happens to me because it only really happens with him since I stay away from others, so to talk about it would require talking about him. I can't tell him about how I react inside to the cancellations (not so much the cancellations as the fact that he used to reschedule when he had to cancel and now that has changed and he doesn't want to reschedule me and just sends a text saying he wont be there) and forgetting things he said he was going to do or all the other 'tiny' things that would mean nothing to others but are devastating to me because that could cause him sadness and I can't/won't do that to people. I did mention (kinda) a bigger that happened a few months ago and he wanted me to give him a sign in the future if things happened, but that is still saying it without saying it and I can't. I have always 'NOT' needed anyone so I wouldn't look for them to not care, but I let this one happen almost a year ago now and today it seemed to really hit me. I don't know why and I really don't know why the Xanax and seroquil haven't numbed it or at least put me to sleep.

I HATE emotions and I KNOW it is going to be hell in a few weeks when we head down that road. I just don't understand today and now. Like my eyes were opened and I see he doesn't really care after all and I want to just fall apart.