[MASIMO]

My retired ex-therapist has been back for 2 months after a 6 month trip around the world.
He contacted me more when he was away. Now that he is back, he has not initiated contact. I have emailed him several times, and he called me once. I am going through a very difficult time right now, and ache to hear his words, he can calm and comfort me so easily. I just want to talk with him for a bit, not seeking therapy, but I will no doubt discuss my troubles to some extent.

Our agreement was we would keep in contact after he returned, but he has given me no expectations as to how often. I have asked him to be honest and please let me know what he would like for us....no contact, every month, every 6 months. I have nothing to hang onto, and I am guessing he just doesn't know what to do with his ex-patient.

So, I DID IT AGAIN, this morning. I have refrained emailing him for a few weeks to which he didn't respond. I have asked if I could reach out to him and could he reach back.
Kick, kick, kick. I just am still so attached to him, still love him, still think of him every day.

My current therapist doesn't really help much, just validates that I do have to grieve that relationship and it will take time. But, it angers me that my Ex-T said we would see each other, contact each other, have some kind of friendship but I have no idea what the boundaries should be. All I know is I want to talk with him, and hug him in person. I haven't seen him in 7 months. To go from every week sessions, to what feels like such abandonment...I'm not blaming him, he has retired, is so painful.

That sounds very painful that he has not replied or clarified for you what the boundaries of your relationship are now, hope he replies.

[precaryous]

MASIMO,
I have been thinking about you.
How long of a notice did he give you that he was retiring and then traveling for six months?
How long did he give you to process this with him...before he retired?
You may not want to hear this but it's possible he didn't give you enough notice. It would have been better if he had decided what post-therapy was supposed to look like...and talked about this with you for many sessions..
I agree, if he would discuss some kind of boundary now..at least you wouldn't feel like you are flailing around.

I don't blame you for emailing him again to ask him to discuss/negotiate post-therapy boundaries. Please don't be hard on yourself. He should have settled this with you months ago.

[MASIMO]

Originally Posted by precaryous

MASIMO,
I have been thinking about you.
How long of a notice did he give you that he was retiring and then traveling for six months?
How long did he give you to process this with him...before he retired?
You may not want to hear this but it's possible he didn't give you enough notice. It would have been better if he had decided what post-therapy was supposed to look like...and talked about this with you for many sessions..
I agree, if he would discuss some kind of boundary now..at least you wouldn't feel like you are flailing around.

I don't blame you for emailing him again to ask him to discuss/negotiate post-therapy boundaries. Please don't be hard on yourself. He should have settled this with you months ago.

He actually gave me six months notice. But just like dealing with my feelings for him. He didn't delve into boundaries for post therapy relationship. I wish he had dealt with it better. But after seven years in therapy with him. That's a drop in the bucket.

has he replied?

That sounds so confusing and hard for you Massimo. I can really hear the yearning and longing to be soothed and reassured by him. I worry that this relationship has the potential to do a great deal of harm whilst the boundaries are unclear. In harm I mean you getting hurt when he doesn't respond. I would really consider the pros and cons of this relationship before you continue. It sounds so very painful for you.
Could you email/ ring and say that you really need clear boundaries. That it's important for you to know what the expectations are from him too because it sounds as though you are clear about what you want from it.
It sounds as though he still has a lot of power and the potential to do harm. I know it's hard after seven years in therapy with him but the attachment is still so strong. I am glad that you can talk about it with your new t and would encourage you to try and make the most of that new relationship.

[MASIMO]

I have asked him for clear boundaries and he doesn't respond. He made me so many promises while I was in therapy, about post-therapy contact so I just cant understand what he is doing. I told him to please let me know what he wants and I would accept it, even if it meant no contact again. No response. This is just so unlike him.
He always danced around my feelings for him. Never really wanted to discuss them.
Didn't respond pro or con to my expression of love for him. Whatever happened to working through transference in therapy? He avoided it like the plague and I was never able to interpret why. I fully believe he has feelings for me outside of therapy, so this is really painful. Has he lost his nerve to simply be honest? Is he really trying to blow me off by not responding. He has to know it is really upsetting me. What purpose would it serve? I might keep bugging him, stalking him...NOT!
I wish he would just tell me to get lost, that he has changed his mind. I will deal with it!!! Now, I am getting very angry and resentful
towards him. I don't want to become bitter and lose all the wonderful things I experienced with him as my therapist. So, after emailing him that I was reaching out to him, and could he reach back to me, that I needed his friendship and support, there is still no response. I AM NOT GOING TO CONTACT HIM AGAIN. I don't need this to complicate my life. He is an a...hole. How's that? He always told me I needed to express myself and get angry about things. Now I can move on. Or, I could send him one last angry email.......

Sometimes no response IS the response.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Sometimes no response IS the response.

Yeah...that's the problem. Many T's believe this....

[unaluna]

Did you check your states licensing database to see if he still practising? If he is still practising, then he probably should not respond, as 1) he has to wait two years to have a romantic relationship with a former patient and 2) he should not interfere with the work of your current t. If he is indeed retired, i dont know how they work that 2 year waiting period - i rather doubt retired ts are allowed to go out and have orgies with hordes of their waiting lovelorn patients the day after they turn in their license! eta - okay, you can tell what im hoping for!

[ragsnfeathers]

Seeing an ex T can be tricky because there are old patterns to break. When he said he'd keep in contact with you he likely meant friendly neutral contact like, how was your trip? I would guess that you wanting to talk about problems and getting comfort would, as a previous poster said, be getting into the territory of interfering with your current therapy. Sounds like the bigger problem is that you're not getting what you need from the therapy you now have. Hmm.

[MASIMO]

Well, I can speculate all I want why he is doing this. I am just going to continue to be hurt, so I am going to try very hard to let go of the idea of contact, not blame him for his lack of response, and try to hold onto what we had in therapy in my heart. I will always carry him with me, his words, his compassion. I cant ask for anymore than that.

[MASIMO]

Damn him...he responded. He is down south visiting family.
Said he will call this week. Here I go again.

[SoupDragon]

Set your own boundaries Masimo otherwise you are going to continue on the rollercoaster.

Soup

[MASIMO]

He didn't call last week so of course im feeling like he really doesn't want contact.
So. I did it again. ..I got upset and emailed him asking if he had a change of heart about continuing contact.
He emailed back that he has the flu and would call soon. Yes back on the rollarcoaster.
I think that until I can actually see him I just cant break it off.
So I once again await his call........

[precaryous]

{{{MASIMO}}