[Partless]

I sometimes get better then get worse immediately. I've gone through this now with two therapists in a row. My last therapist seemed frustrated with it. It was palpable. I know why I do it, it's a protective measure. When I feel happy and hopeful, I feel vulnerable. Does this make any sense?

I think when I'm sad and anxious and tense, I feel safe. When bad things happen (and they will eventually), I won't get hurt that badly. I don't have much to lose, not far to fall. But it's brutal to fall all the way down from feeling real happy and hopeful. That hurts much much much more.

When I feel happy and hopeful, my mind works real fast, life is more alive, I have lots of plans for future, but like a car driving at a fast speed of 70 miles per hour, I feel vulnerable to having accidents and getting badly hurt, of being face to face with the helplessness I experienced with PTSD.

If I'm sad and slow and tired, then I'm that car that drives at 15 miles per hour. This is safer. But on the downside, it does not feel like me. There is no pleasure in living life like this, when you can do more. Joy comes from doing your best, going as fast as you can, really feeling your own power. Imposing limits on yourself out of fear sucks. But it's the price of feeling safe, it's been so for quite a few years now. The insides of my brain and heart are a battlefield, between being safe and doing my best.

I stopped my therapy couple of months ago, because I felt I was wasting my therapist's time. I think most people who go for therapy want to get better. Therapists help them get there. I refused lots of suggestions by my therapist. I was frustrating my T. I'm really tired of my emotional self.

[growlycat]

I don't trust when things seem to be going well. I think I intentionally break things to try to see how strong the situation is. Like rattling a ladder before climbing it to see if it is rickety or not?

[iheartjacques]

My t flat out asked me if I was giving myself permission to get better. Does that question help you?

[Partless]

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

My t flat out asked me if I was giving myself permission to get better. Does that question help you?

iheartjacques, yes, that's a very good question. I don't think I am. Something inside me saying I don't have permission. Like a kind of internal parent. Or a voice of doom, a kind of warning that it's unsafe.

Find a T that realises that telling a client what they need to do or not do isn't affective.
I've never had T suggest I could do this or that.

[Victoria'smom]

Find something you're willing to work on and start there.

[Elkino]

I think I do understand you very well. In a certain way, feeling bad can feel safe while feeling good makes you feel vulnerable and 'at risk'. It's exactly like you mention... when you're already feeling down, you think you can't fall much deeper anymore.

Actually I believe that most of all, it's the change we fear. And its impact. And I guess even in both directions. People are generally afraid of too much change too quickly, whether good or bad. It scares them.

But I believe you should never cancel therapy because you feel like you're bothering your therapist. You have to try to put yourself and your health and well being first. On the other hand, that's something a lot of us only learn through therapy...
So I really hope you find the energy to go back to therapy and you find a great therapist that will help you discover your self worth, so that you can grow through this therapy and work at whatever it is you need to work at.
And then I hope you can slowly get used to a happier you... Getting used to the speed of happiness, so that you're less afraid in the future and, through therapy, possess things that can help you when you'd have the impression that you're falling down again.

[Myrto]

YES.
I sabotage myself constantly. I want to get better of course but then the idea of not being anxious and actually happy is just so absurd.
I'm used to "anxious" and "unhappy". It's awful sometimes but I know it.
It's comfortable in a way.

[msxyz]

I think there's a difference between faking feeling worse and actually feeling worse. If you feel worse I don't consider that a choice and wouldn't attribute it to not wanting to get better. Last time I checked we don't control our feelings, just our actions. And I do think it's OK to be in therapy during all stages of change, even just the one where change is merely considered.

[janelle217]

I absolutely know how you feel. After living with depression for years, and just recently being able to start getting the treatment I need, I've often found myself honestly afraid to feel better. When I start feeling happy, I feel strange and awkward and scared -- because that just gives me so much more potential to crash back down hard, and so I put my walls back up. My T asked me once if I thought that I deserved to be happy. But I think you're right and it goes beyond that, it's that I really am afraid of what being happy means. It's a good kind of change, though, keep fighting for it because even though this is your normal now, it doesn't have to be forever!! I hope you can go back to your T and talk about it. You're definitely not alone, and she should be able to help you work through it.