Does your therapist look at you at times with the 'therapists' gaze'?

My T (sorry, can't say ex-T yet ) has that gaze for sure. I wasn't good with eye contact before therapy, but I learnt to really appreciate it. My T looks at me like I'm all that matters at that moment and that he's there for me. It's warming and encouraging.

Sometimes I soaked it all in and felt good about myself. Other times this care would be too much for me and I hardly looked at him during session. But when I looked up, he'd still be looking at me, he made sure of that.

Gosh, I miss him. Therapy gaze is the best gaze you can get.

My t has that gaze. Her eyes hypnotise me when I look into them. It us scary for me to make contact but lately it has been good. She will ask me what I feel when I look at her and if I am not making eye contact she will ask me to look at her. Usually we both smile when we look at each other which is mirroring. Her eyes are haunting though and sometimes they look very sad so I tend not to gaze at her on those days.
I hope your new t will use this gaze brown owl

often indeed!

Thanks, I hope she does too, perhaps when I'm settled with her, we're still getting to know each other right now.

This made me laugh.

My T. totally does this. A lot! Though it is done with warmth and care, it get's awkward for me. I have actually covered my face with my hands several times because she wouldn't stop the gaze. Haha!

I would not look at the therapist if she tried to order me to do so. Or even without an explanation as to why she was suggesting such a thing.
And if was to force bonding or warmth or something like that on me - I would decline to engage.

When I was in therapy, my Ts use that "therapist gaze" a lot, which I found stupid, irritating and useless and I still do. There is absolutely no scientific explanation for this genius "technique" as I am aware of. I am sure, with that gaze they are just trying to copy their own therapists. I did this stupid thing in the very beginning of my career when I was a green student-trainee, not even an intern, also trying to model my first T, but I dropped it fast because I quickly realized how dumb it looked and how dumb it really was. Since that I never tried that gaze with my clients. I held silent pauses sometimes when I felt that the client was self-reflecting at the moment and I didn't want to disrupt that process by injecting my own words instead of letting them come out with what they needed to talk about. But those pauses were natural, never forced. Forcing silence and making clients feel awkward with the "therapist gaze" instead of maintaining a natural flow of conversation has no therapeutic value and is yet another manifestation of a pure dogma followed blindly without any critical thinking applied.

I didn't interpret the question as having anything to do with forced silences, and never experienced it in that way in my own therapy.

I think you're not aware of the uses of the gaze, but it can be used that way.

I find Ididitmyway's opinion quite interesting, seeing how she's been both a therapist and a patient. It made me recall early phases of therapy and how I found the gaze both strange and lovely and also intrusive. It took me a while to get used to it. But then I came to like it and associate it with what therapy was supposed to be like.

I guess, we all have our own experiences and out own interpretations . What a great discovery!

After reading all of your replies, I guess I still have no idea what this "gaze" is of which you all speak. None of my therapists have every done this that I was ever cognizant of. I think I'm glad; I suspect it would feel creepy to me. It sounds creepy, not something that I would find warm or supportive or whatever. But generally our conversation/dialogues keeps going most of the time, so perhaps that's why they don't do it. No idea.

My old T has that gaze! I don't know yet with my knew T, I still hardly look at her. Those moments in which she used it I remember so clearly and will always hold them dear to my heart because it definitely helped me through the therapy process. The emotions can be overwhelming, but I clearly remember feeling like my feelings were accepted. I felt that instead of wanting to validate me, process anything, or talk through anything, she just wanted to sit for a moment and feel what I feel. Those moments were usually right after I talk about a traumatic experience. I haven't gotten to that point with my new T, but I hope we have a similar relationship.

Yeah I think that's why some people's experiences are different, body language is tougher to interpret than words. I think the negative experiences are about the gazes that are forced, a technique that can feel intrusive or irritating and just pushing a person into an uncomfortable state of mind. And a technique that many therapists still use in certain kinds or times in therapy.

But the positive experiences are probably focused on those more natural gazes that comes from care and interest about a person the therapist knows deeply and on such a personal level, and such a natural open gaze speaks to some people in a way that many words could not, tells them the therapist really sees them and thinks they are okay, they're good.

I think I'm just a word gal myself. Probably the teacher/writer/singer in me. I like to talk/dialogue/converse/interact. I'm not one for gazing meaningfully into someone's eyes, so I'm not particulary comfortable being on the receiving end either I suppose.

Yes she maintains steady eye contact. She often gets a gentle tender expression that's intimate and reassuring. She has beautiful eyes and they are appealing to look at on a personal level, let alone therapeutically. It's been beneficial because when I feel intensely it's easy to look away. I'm feeling more secure now and communicate better in session...with mutual eye contact.

It's also quite possible that some of the more extreme responses are more projection than therapist intent.

I think they have the opportunity to practice it a lot if they see lots of clients. It does sound creepy to me as someone else said.

Well, I must be the odd ball because yes, I experience that "therapy gaze". It is the most amazing thing I experience in therapy. It is as if she is piercing my soul. It's the connection and I never had it with my parents. So, I think it is attunement that I missed as a child. I want it at every session and feel disconnected without it. It is very intense for me and sometimes it's too intense and I have to look away. I also think it's part of catharsis - me telling of painful feelings and seeing the care in her eyes. Gosh, I don't think I'm doing it justice. I do not have a problem with eye contact so sometimes I will even look until she looks away.

I almost compare it to how I would look at men I dated and felt connected to. Except it's not sexual or romantic - just like she's inside my heart.

It took a long time to tell her that it meant anything to me and how much I want it when in session. I was worried she would take it away - not sure how that would work though. LOL

I completely agree with Soccer Mom on this. I don't think I've ever had anyone in my life look at me like my T does and I absolutely love it. I can definitely be intense but I try and push myself to hold it as long as I can. I feel more of a connection with her when we have "long" eye contact than at any other time. It makes me feel so vulnerable but in the best way possible.

I'm curious - was the gaze actually discussed when you were training? From what Stopdog says perhaps there actually is some science behind it.

The gaze itself was not discussed in training. What was discussed is prolonged silent pauses. It was advised, usually implicitly, by instructors that you (the therapist) should always let the client do the talking and if they stop for a moment, it's better to let them break the silence than to do it yourself because it is all about them, it is their therapy..blah..blah..blah..The problem with this, as a see it, is that oftentimes the client stops talking simply because they finished their thought or their point and they wait for the therapist to respond, but instead of giving a natural response and maintaining the natural flow of the conversation, the "trained" therapist holds the awkward pause, as they were suggested in training.

The gaze is just a natural consequence of this awkward silence. Some unethical therapists use it as a tool of seduction, actually. Others just look awkward when they do that. At least to me.

I am not aware of any science behind this.

I was not trying to imply I have seen much on therapists specifically. I am not saying it happens with all eye contact - I am more interested in reading about it with dogs. But it does come up about eye contact in general.

Here is another general bit about the idea of eye contact and feeling good:
"That’s why oxytocin is sometimes called ‘the love hormone,’”said MacDonald. “It’s said that the eyes are the window to the soul…they certainly are the window to the emotional brain. We know that the eye-to-eye communication—which is affected by oxytocin—is critical to intimate emotional communication for all kind of emotions – love, fear, trust, anxiety.”
"Love Hormone" Promotes Bonding

And this one
"And Dr. Kerstin Uväs-Moberg, the author of The Oxytocin Factor, believes that eye contact can bring about oxytocin release as well"

Read more: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/how...#ixzz3YIhCAbyh

link to book and it is also on amazon
http://www.powells.com/biblio/9780738207483

To me, if oxytocin is a factor, it would make sense that the therapists would do it (whether consciously or unconsciously) because it also makes them feel good when it works with someone. And if one therapist or trainer of those guys had it work with some clients, they would use it - and perhaps even teach others to use it and it has a chance of working (making it feel good) for both therapist and client which would make both want it again. Or other of those guys observed another one doing it and tried it and it might or might not work.

My T maintains eye contact, which I find reassuring as it helps me feel listened to and understood. Depending on the conversation, she's shown some emotional reactions to what we've discussed (happiness, empathy, pride, concern, etc.) When I was at one point dealing with an awful situation in my personal life which was quite traumatic, I found reassurance in her ability to stay focused on me during our sessions, and eye contact was part of that. It helped me feel validated—something I absolutely needed during that time.

Re: silences, my T will be silent at times when I've stopped talking, but I've never gotten the impression it was because she was following any kind of training script. In my experience, she's remained quiet when she can sense that I'm working something out in my head, or if we both need a moment of quiet to let something sink in, or if I just straight up need silence because my outside life can be so chaotic. Our conversations have been pretty close to normal conversations, with a natural ebb and flow. I know when talking with friends, we sometimes have silences; my conversations in session have very similar qualities.

I've read about the oxytocin thing too so I suppose there could be individuals who do this intentionally, but I don't think it's at all the norm. Eye contact is largely unconscious to most people unless it's something thy struggle with. But it is true that eye contact in general is very important in relation to social interactions and people who struggle with eye contact sometimes struggle socially. So the gaze of the therapist may be more apparent to these individuals and could take on more meaning then is actually intended. I don't know that the intentional "gazing" in of itself would actually be very effective with these clients though. I mean, if you are socially anxious, on the autism spectrum or anything else that makes conversation difficult, then just sitting there quietly, looking client's eyes would have he opposite effect, I think. I think the same goes for people who are comfortable with eye contact and are looking for an interactive therapist. Eye contact after a certain point becomes a little weird and takes on a different meaning: either they are thinking something but not saying it, which usually makes me respond with a "what?", or it gets creepy. There are also therapists may be very warm people and just have a natural warmth in ther gaze. I doubt tht is intentional since I think it's something that's almost impossible to practice and honestly, pretty weird if someone actually did. Still there is nothing in training as a therapist regarding this beyond what ididitmyway pointed out - to "sit with the silence" and not talk or lead the conversation too much. And this is only to prevent a T from interjecting without allowing the client to reflect and elaborate on their own. It doesn't mean just sit and stare, it's just to allow for natural conversation and eliminate nervous chatter.