[ManOfConstantSorrow]

My boundaries, in life and at work, in the sense that I set any at all, tend to be elastic and porous.

My T suggest that I develop how I identify where my boundaries are, where they might be better placed and how I deal with impingements. This is a rather new concept to me. Are there tips and hints and sources and experience that more seasoned members of this forum can share with me?

Thanks in advance.

Actually, boundaries should be somewhat flexible: gates with a key rather than inpenetrable stone walls that let nothing in or broken fences that let all manner of things through without deterrent. That way you have the control and decide when it is healthy to let someone/something through or when it is safer to keep the gate locked.

You say your boundaries are elastic and porous. Does that mean you are stretching your boundaries uncomfortably or allowing things to happen kind of through osmosis? Is your T saying you have places and situations in your life where you need to firm up those boundaries because yours are too flimsy and creating issues? (Just trying to understand what you are describing about your own boundaries.)

I think I can identify with what you are saying, though I might be thinking of something completely different. I think when I was younger I had the tendency to let others do things and I never really considered whether I wanted to do them, maybe cos in my childhood I had no power, so I didn't really have any boundaries. Perhaps this is particularly as an adult when Ive spent time with my father I never drew any boundaries I just went along with what he wanted.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Actually, boundaries should be somewhat flexible - you are right of course, there is a need it be able to use judgement on when to bend boundaries.

Is your T saying you have places and situations in your life where you need to firm up those boundaries because yours are too flimsy and creating issues? Pretty much - I let situations run me and this makes me anxious, depressed and unable to exercise a reasonable degree of control or judgement.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I think I can identify with what you are saying, though I might be thinkin...ny boundaries. Perhaps this is particularly as an adult when Ive spent time with my father I never drew any boundaries I just went along with what he wanted.

This is very helpful - you are thinking of the same thing, children have little power and little control over their boundaries. Their boundaries are set by others. The question is of course why am I allowing others to set my boundaries now or at least failing to assert my adult boundaries. This will need some thought.

[Restin]

I had severe trouble with boundaries and could feel invaded and taken over by someone, even strangers I happened to make eye contact with in a store, or somewhere. This sounds silly, but I fixed it by imagining I'm in a thick concrete fort that I've built around me. It has a door and a guard, and anyone who wants to talk to me has to go to the door first. I might let them in or might not. Somehow that image, which I did over and over in my mind, gave me the sense of being separate and having a choice. I also limited my eye-contact with people, even friends and relatives... the eye is the "window to the soul" and my soul needed more protection. I used to feel I had to look at people and had to listen to them....still working on that.

[NowhereUSA]

I find that determining boundaries works by first knowing myself. Who do I want to be? For example, I want to be a kind, capable, competent person with a certain set of values. I also want to be someone who I respect when I look in the mirror. There are details within that, but that helps me define where that line should be.

[stopdog]

I have always been pretty clear on boundaries - sure they trompled by parents, but it is not like that got rid of me knowing I had them. I think for me it is more deciding what I am willing to deal with and what sorts of stuff I am not.

[Partless]

ManOfConstantSorrow, it's hard work, especially if you're new to this. Sometimes I feel like this:

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

This is very helpful - you are thinking of the same thing, children have little power and little control over their boundaries. Their boundaries are set by others. The question is of course why am I allowing others to set my boundaries now or at least failing to assert my adult boundaries. This will need some thought.

Is this related to the fact of not thinking about what one wants in any situation or in life generally, and a feeling that being on this earth does not have a huge amount of meaning, that one doesnt have a rightful place to be on this earth, not as much right as others, not as much right as others to be who they are? And so who one is has been repressed, and is not expressed? I think therapy can help this if it is a space where one can gradually start expressing oneself and start feeling that one has the right to be oneself. Maybe boundaries in life will start to come naturally if that process happens in therapy? I think that process started to happen in my therapy.

(That sounded a bit odd with all those ones, I tried writing it with "you" or "i" but neither felt right.)

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

Is this related to the fact of not thinking about what one wants in any situation or in life generally, and a feeling that being on this earth does not have a huge amount of meaning, that one doesnt have a rightful place to be on this earth, not as much right as others, not as much right as others to be who they are? And so who one is has been repressed, and is not expressed? I think therapy can help this if it is a space where one can gradually start expressing oneself and start feeling that one has the right to be oneself. Maybe boundaries in life will start to come naturally if that process happens in therapy? I think that process started to happen in my therapy.

(That sounded a bit odd with all those ones, I tried writing it with "you" or "i" but neither felt right.)

Is this related to the fact of not thinking about what one wants in any situation - there is truth in this.

or in life generally - this too.

and a feeling that being on this earth does not have a huge amount of meaning, and that!

that one doesnt have a rightful place to be on this earth, not as much right as others, not as much right as others to be who they are? - I think we get the picture

I have noted this to digest and bring up with my T