T says because of the abandonments by both mothers (birth and adoptive) she's not sure what would did hold me enough to prevent psychosis.
She doesn't know why I'm not pyschotic given my history.
She also says, when I say I'm not artistic or creative, that I am very creative, because of the way I found a way to raise my children so well without having had a positive experience of healthy parenting myself.
I told T how with my own children when they were babies and with my now grandchild how when alone I get and use to get this wierd thing come over me. It was like a wierd silence where I'm nit me and the baby isn't known to me and in that silence I than feel like the baby is only experiencing hurt and than I pull myself out if it and feel like something awful happened.
T says that is what it would have felt like a a baby.
Babies come into this world in an Unintergrated state. A mothers 'holding' intergrates us and helps us make sense of the world.
T said this didn't happen to you. You and your adoptive mother fell in and out of disintergration and I think you would have used dissociation to defend against feelings of disintergration.
The 'wierd silence' you describe I think is a flash back for you.
The feeling the baby you are with only experiencing hurt, is the hurt you felt. I think in that moment you become your mother and the baby you. In a way it's powerful to be the 'mother' rather than just being the vunrable baby. But you pull yourself out if it without projecting all your bad into the baby. Unlike your mother, she couldn't do that. She projected all her bad into you the baby.
T said I'm ways amazed at your ability to be so aware if what is going on for you. Many do not, cannot gave that Level if self awareness, have the objectiveness to think about it and not become swallowed up by it.

[precaryous]

"T says because of the abandonments by both mothers (birth and adoptive) she's not sure what would did hold me enough to prevent psychosis.
She doesn't know why I'm not pyschotic given my history.
She also says, when I say I'm not artistic or creative, that I am very creative, because of the way I found a way to raise my children so well without having had a positive experience of healthy parenting myself."

"Babies come into this world in an Unintergrated state. A mothers 'holding' intergrates us and helps us make sense of the world.
T said this didn't happen to you. You and your adoptive mother fell in and out of disintergration and I think you would have used dissociation to defend against feelings of disintergration. "

Mouse,

I am so sorry you are struggling, too.

Thank you and your T for this. I am going through something similar and your post is helping me understand what my T was saying yesterday.