[angelicgoldfish05]

52 days till first session back with ex t.... it's been two and a half years since I've last talked with him face to face. I'm so filled with anticipation and having trouble coming up with ideas about how to do this wait. Any ideas for coping? Thanks in advance!

[Crazy Hitch]

Do you journal?

It might help jotting a few issues down.

Or perhaps keeping a mood log.

To track your mood.

And think of self care strategies that you could use every day in order to support you.

Something small that allows you to pamper yourself.

Whether its a bath.

Going for a walk.

Just a little bit of time for you.

Take care.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Do you journal?

I used to journal every morning with my morning cigarette and cup of coffee.. then I stopped smoking and ultimately decided that it seemed a very selfish way to spend my time. I actually felt ex t's presence criticizing me (manifesting as my inner critic I suppose) for how stupid it was and I was and everything I wrote was. I experience my inner critic as very mean, demanding, belittling, and of course, very critical of my every move. I'm thinking this transference of inner critic to ex t is really because of my father, but also how I imagine ex t would be with his own kids, if that makes sense.

Great ideas though hooligan! Thank you. I think jotting down issues and keeping a mood journal would be great. Of course self care stuff is good too. This may be worse than waiting for Christmas morning as a kid lol!

Ticking off days on a calender, keeping occupied with friends and family, education, work, pets, art, diaries, scrap booking...

[Lauliza]

Distractions are a big help for me- good ones like socializing, working, hobbies, anything that occupies you and your mind in a positive way. Journaling like others have said is great too since it will get your feelings out of your head and hopefully lessen the anticipation a little.

[Perna]

I did not see my ex-T for 9 years and then when I made an appointment had to wait several weeks as she was going out of town. I worked on my story, what I was going to tell her, tried to make it make more sense (and failed, the first session she said I "swamped" her :-) But I did a lot of reading and thinking and writing, etc.

[angelicgoldfish05]

This is harder than I thought it would be. Drinking is not the correct thing to do I'm sure, it makes me feel bad after the numbing effect wears off. Thing is, t can help me with the drinking so much because he has done it before. I just don't know how I am going to wait and make it through the next 50 days. I plan on calling his office first thing tomorrow and seeing if there are any cancellations or if there's any thing they can do. At the very least I'll want to schedule a crap ton more appointments.
What I should do to pass the days is get real strong and get in shape so I can show t how good I can do. But I feel like I need his support first. When I saw him two and a half years ago I quit smoking and drinking, and started running all so quick. My health was on the mend and so quick. But it was because of him. I need him again to do this with me. I need him so much and I hate needing any one like this and this much but he awakened this need in me.
Guess I'll just call his office and see what can be done... and journal tomorrow too.

[divine1966]

Did he accept seeing you as a client? After years of not replying to you I am surprised he is willing to see you now? Do you just want to meet got closure or you want him to be your t?

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[JaneTennison1]

I thought you were just going to close out and get referral? What about current T? Also you have survived 2.5 yrs without him, you do not need this man for your survival. You can do this.

[StressedMess]

I think seeing him again is a bad idea. It seems after 2.5 years the obsession would have faded to preoccupation but from the sounds of it the feeling has only grown stronger. I'm frightened for you. Please be careful!

My concern is that he has pretty clearly expressed no interest to continue working with you over the last 2.5 years by completely not responding to any of your efforts to make contact. I suspect you are setting yourself up for a very strong rejection.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Thanks every one for your replies. I appreciate the support and concern. However I do not feel like I could be hurt any more than I already have.I believe that scars over time build up resistance to pain. This t is not responsible for this pain. He did not inflict it upon me. He simply uncovered long repressed childhood wounds.he is not responsible for my pain and I believe strongly that the worst is now behind me.

I am feeling so much stronger today then when I last wrote. I have made a plan today. I plan on having 50 days sobriety when I meet with t. I plan on building up my core inner strength and confidence in myself in either preparation for possible rejection, or to cover a lot of ground in preparation for working together.

Ideally I would want him to be my t. I have faith that I can work through anything with him and that my need, dependency, and obsession will lessen over time with his support as a t. However, I am also preparing myself for only one session for closure and a referral. I suppose it is like anything in life, you want to have plan A, B and C.

So this first session is just a standard session for new patients. If it goes well, then you start with 4 more sessions. I am preparing myself for him saying no he won't see me. That is not my plan A, but it is what I will prepare for realistically happening. But at least I will have asked and he will have formally said no instead of only silence. Him saying formally that he will not see me well be concrete. It will be an actual response instead of silence and no response. Indeed maybe that is all I will need for closure(a definitive answer) and peace of mind to move on. Of course it is not what I want to have happen, but if he concretely says no, I can't argue with that. And I will need to just accept it. I know all of you have told me that his silence is his way of saying no. But I can't accept that. I need him to say no if he means no to ever seeing me again. Then it is solid and I can finally let it rest and move on.

If he says yes, I truly believe in my heart that he can help me.

Yes, I am still seeing new t. I see her tomorrow. My next dilemma is that I can't decide if I will tell new t what all happened with old t this past week.... what do you guys think?

Thanks again for your replies and support. It means so much to me and I'm so grateful for this community. I'm sorry I don't reply much to others' posts yet. I am working on getting stronger, and when I do, I will be in a better place to offer more support.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Well so much for having 50 days of sobriety by the time I have my intake appt with ex t (hopefully soon to be current t).... birthdays will do that oh well, not gonna worry about it. 39 more days... last night felt like agony, like waiting would be impossible. It felt so far away... then I thought of all your posts and advice about doing nice things for myself and such so I made a chart with 40 days and a list of self-care type nice things to do. So I'll work my way through the list and do one per day. Yesterday I went for a walk in the lovely spring air and collected flowers...today I am going to send out cards to friends... just need to keep myself busy and before I know it, the day of the appt will be here!

I also have a plan to have a letter written to him on the day of my appt just in case he won't take me as a client so that I can give it to him in person. That way I'll feel some closure if it comes to that. I hope it doesn't though!

[AllHeart]

How did the appointment go?

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Wondering that myself...I hope it went the way you wanted!