I am quitting T again. I have tried to quit before. I am too depressed for T right now and I wanted to quit on the spot but T talked me into coming back to discuss it.

I feel so angry at myself and I also feel aggressive and charged up about failing at therapy. I want everyone to see what a big failure I am and how I am such a failure that nothing will ever work for me, even therapy where the T does most of the work will be a complete failure.

After therapy I don't know what I will do. I think i will be thinking of T a bit.

Illegal Toilet, I'm sorry you are feeling such despair, and I hope you can get to sorting it out soon, whether with this therapist, another therapist, or some other forward moving method.

One thing I do know Illegal Toilet is that you cannot fail therapy.

[musinglizzy]

I'm sitting on that fence too. It's a really tough place to be...I know!

[AllHeart]

Your true Self is not a failure, IllegalToilet. One of the hardest parts about therapy is having to change our thought patterns. I know often times change does not feel possible, especially when your brain has been trained since a very young age to think negatively, and tends to automatically default to self-loathing.

IDK how long you have been in therapy, but I'll bet if you look back you will find at least one small thing you have improved (changed) upon.

Small change is good! My T recently told me that long-term success happens with small change, increasing with small increments. Big changes often prove to be too overwhelming to the entire system, and people tend to fail with that. When you make small changes, you will eventually be able to pull yourself out of the grips of darkness, and, stay grounded when out. The true Self will emerge. It made sense to me, and I have to trust it to be true. I was able to incorporate a very small change a couple of weeks ago and so far so good – the change is sticking and I’m building it up. (I now call myself a despicable name a few times less per day…started a couple of weeks ago with one. I think I’m starting to not hate myself. Who knew?!)

Where was I going with all of this? Oh yes. One major role of a therapist is to be an advocate for change for clients. If you find your current T honestly hasn’t helped you in the least, please consider looking for another T. The therapy process can be daunting, but we need someone there to help us change so we can heal. There is no failure in that.

Blessings to you, IllegalToilet. Based on some of your posts, I know you have some dark struggles. Keep with therapy, my friend. And keep reaching out on PC! You are worth every effort to live a good life.