[Soccer mom]

What questions are good to ask a new T? Today's session was pretty bad. I felt the whole time T was defending her actions of suggesting spacing my sessions last week knowing May is going to suck for me since my mom died last May.

She never apologized or anything. She was defensive, pointed out how wrong my thinking is about her actions and was overall frustrated. I've always felt that way but it was so obvious today and she admitted it. I told her I felt she was spacing sessions so that I would want to leave and then she wouldn't be abandoning me (which she promised).

I told her I'm scared. I'm scared of starting over, I'm scared we won't get through this, I'm scared she doesn't know what to do with my transference. I told her that last session I just wanted some reassurance. She said that's a theme in my therapy (but didn't give it to me).

When she mentioned spacing sessions to every 2 weeks last week, I cried all the next day like I was losing her. Like I was grieving. Maybe that's why I'm numb right now. She made a point that some of the things I said to her were hurtful. I feel bad for expressing them yet I thought that's what I'm supposed to do.

As I was leaving she said she needs to decide if she has the knowledge to help me. So, I guess I should be looking at new T's. Again, what sort of questions should I ask them? they definitely need to be comfortable with transference. And, I'll ask about boundaries. I don't know what else.

I'm heartbroken.

[stopdog]

I am sorry to hear this. It is awful when they get defensive.
Here is a list from another site - born a bit out of odd terminations.
Questions for a new T - Topic

[Bill3]

Soccer mom, I'm sorry.

(((((Soccer mom)))))

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm so sorry.

And you're right that you should tell your T if she hurt you. And she should be able to handle that and address it without getting defensive. (I've been angry and/or upset with both T and MC before, and they've both thanked me for telling them and apologized.)

You mention that she said she didn't know if she had the knowledge to help you. Maybe she's doubting her abilities, and that's what's making her defensive? Not that it's OK, just a possible explanation. (I know I tend to get defensive if someone is critical of me for something that I feel I'm not good at or doing wrong--not one of my best traits!)

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I'm so sorry.

And you're right that you should tell your T if she hurt you. And she should be able to handle that and address it without getting defensive. (I've been angry and/or upset with both T and MC before, and they've both thanked me for telling them and apologized.)

You mention that she said she didn't know if she had the knowledge to help you. Maybe she's doubting her abilities, and that's what's making her defensive? Not that it's OK, just a possible explanation. (I know I tend to get defensive if someone is critical of me for something that I feel I'm not good at or doing wrong--not one of my best traits!)

I've told her many times if I feel hurt and we usually relate it to my mom and work through it. Today was different.

Not only may she be doubting herself but I'm very direct and question everything. Probably doesn't help her much. but, I have felt she was strong enough to take it and has said that she's ok if I'm mad at her. we've worked through everything. But, this feels different and feels more uneasy.

[PeeJay]

I swear, these Ts just don't get it. Why do they get all insecure? It's harder on the client when they are defensive. I'm sorry.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry, Soccer mom. I don't know what to say. I was hoping you and T would work things out. Maybe you still can.

[Soccer mom]

I go back and forth between wanting to work it out. I was numb until a few minutes ago when I started crying. I love her and am worried I pushed her away.

[Gavinandnikki]

Too many therapists have no clue how to handle the transference. Are they f'in stupid or just poorly trained?

My therapist knew exactly how to handle my transference. She'd had 9 years of psychoanalysis herself so she knew where I was.

When your therapist suggested spacing the sessions out, I thought, here it comes.... The "I'm not sure if I'm the best therapist for you"' bu!!*****. And here it is.

I'm so sorry. I REALLY know your pain. Just keep talking to her. Do not hide or feel shameful of your love. If she can't handle it, that is her deficit as a therapist.

But, oh, so very painful.

Soccer mom (hug)
I am so sorry this is happening like this at this particular time.
Perhaps unconsciously you tried to push her away but if she is familiar as she thinks with transference she should know what is happening and should have caught it. Resistance and not trusting are basic tenements of transference. Freud said they are necessary for transference to be successful.
I think she is taking things too personally, yes this is how you feel and you should be able to express your feelings without your t getting defensive! Is your t in supervision? She really should be right now because it is important for a t to get help and guidance when a client has strong transference like yours and so many of us here in this forum.
I am so that your faith rests with your t, how would it be to find your own t, one that will contain you and hold you through this tumultuous transference? I like to think of it as a journey on a ship through a storm and your t is your co captain, who will guide and assist us but only when we are in difficulty. We are in charge and dictating the direction we go in.

[Myrto]

I'm so sorry. That's awful.
I apologize: I haven't followed all your threads and I thought your relationship with your therapist was still good. Or did it happen out of the blue?
In any case it seems that relationships with therapist, even the ones that appear the strongest, can at any moment become rupture and you feel like you've had the rug pulled out from under you.

[JaneC]

I'm sorry Soccer mom.
It is such a scary place to be, worried that you are about to lose your T. I can imagine how freaked out you may be. It is completely understandable. I'm sorry that your T appears to not have the confidence in working with you, or is it that maybe she needs some supervision on this to find a way forward.

I hope you can work this out without too much more stress for you.

[wheeler]

I really hate that you're going thru this soccermom. I too struggled with a therapist that didn't understand and couldn't handle my transference issues. However after much searching I have finally found the right one for me. Instead of pushing me away when I get needy, she pulls me closer and increases my sessions. Five years later I am in a much different place, and the neediness continues to decrease. We still have our misunderstandings and I still struggle with push-pull, but it is way less than its ever been,

Please don't give up hope, maternal transference is a tough one and needs to be worked through with a competent , special therapist who's willing to walk the walk with you.

[peaches100]

Hi Soccer mom,

I know I've probably missed some of your posts, but I've followed the majority of them over the last couple of years. I admit I was shocked to read that your t is questioning her ability to help you. It always sounded like the two of you had a really good, open, trusting therapeutic relationship. What happened? Something must have happened recently to sort of knock her off her bearings as a t. I know you mentioned transference, but that's not really new, right? I'm just wondering what's happened recently that has changed her viewpoint. It sounds like the two of you need to talk more about this. I hope you can work through this together!

Peaches

[JustShakey]

(((SoccerMom)))
Your story sounds awfully similar to what happened to me with my previous T - right down to the defensiveness and refusing to apologize and accusing me of being rude.

I don't know what to tell you... Previous T felt she couldn't help me and ultimately referred me on. I really really wanted to stay with her and work through the transference... Two years later losing her still hurts, though I understand a lot better now. As hard as it was I think I've made more progress and moved faster with T - for one, I was terrified of previous T, afraid of upsetting her, afraid of losing her. I often felt I was walking on eggshells. I'm sure it was transference, but it was very real... Challenging my patterns was hard with previous T, because in my head she was the embodiment of the people/expectations that created those patterns in the first place. My child-mind believed that she wanted me to act that way and got very confused and upset when she reacted negatively.
I would say that if she does ultimately decide that she needs to refer you, to see the T that she refers you to, at least for a while. I know that worked out very well for me (though I still miss her!).

[MindfulMoment]

Sorry to hear that things with your T may be coming to an end, I know how difficult it can be, I still miss my old T. However, if she hasn't got the right skills/abilities to treat you then getting a new T who does is what you deserve. (((Hugs)))

Perhaps asking a new T some questions around areas they specialise in and experience helping with some of the areas you wish to work on. Wishing you all the best. x

[JaneTennison1]

Could it be that your tranference is blocking you from seeing the care she does provide? One thing that helps me is to write a list of what she has done that shows care and a list of everything my brain is telling me. So my brain says " She doesn't get my health issues, she dismisses them" but when I write down the facts they are that she has always been supportive. Those feelings of hurt caused by one instance of her being less than available spiralled into me thinking a lot of bad things. During our recent difficulties she kept saying " are yopu sure it is me you are angry at? Are you sure I abandoned you? Not your mom?" That was a gut punch because she was right. I was taking my anger out in a safe place but on the wrong person.

Try going back logically. Tell her you would love the chance to work at this. I told my T that I don't want another kind of care, if I did I would have left. In the end though she may not be able to provide what you need, if you are not progressing and still flipping out then maybe you need someone more able to handle that.

I wish you well.

[BayBrony]

My T and I are going through a rupture right now so I haven't got any advice. I just wanted to offer my support. This is so painful. I hope you find a way to do what is right for youm

[msxyz]

I get frustrated when I read about therapists just abandoning their clients without even trying hard at all. Did she seek consultation? She needs to stop being defensive,too. I am sorry things are going this way.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

Too many therapists have no clue how to handle the transference. Are they f'in stupid or just poorly trained?

My therapist knew exactly how to handle my transference. She'd had 9 years of psychoanalysis herself so she knew where I was.

When your therapist suggested spacing the sessions out, I thought, here it comes.... The "I'm not sure if I'm the best therapist for you"' bu!!*****. And here it is.

I'm so sorry. I REALLY know your pain. Just keep talking to her. Do not hide or feel shameful of your love. If she can't handle it, that is her deficit as a therapist.

But, oh, so very painful.

She's not afraid of my love or loving feelings towards her. It's me constantly questioning her, her intentions, her feelings and not trusting her.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Soccer mom (hug)
I am so sorry this is happening like this at this particular time.
Perhaps unconsciously you tried to push her away but if she is familiar as she thinks with transference she should know what is happening and should have caught it. Resistance and not trusting are basic tenements of transference. Freud said they are necessary for transference to be successful.
I think she is taking things too personally, yes this is how you feel and you should be able to express your feelings without your t getting defensive! Is your t in supervision? She really should be right now because it is important for a t to get help and guidance when a client has strong transference like yours and so many of us here in this forum.
I am so that your faith rests with your t, how would it be to find your own t, one that will contain you and hold you through this tumultuous transference? I like to think of it as a journey on a ship through a storm and your t is your co captain, who will guide and assist us but only when we are in difficulty. We are in charge and dictating the direction we go in.

I don't know if she's in supervision. I know she has a supervisor but not sure if she's seeing him.

I'm going to slowly start looking at options in case things don't work out.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Myrto

I'm so sorry. That's awful.
I apologize: I haven't followed all your threads and I thought your relationship with your therapist was still good. Or did it happen out of the blue?
In any case it seems that relationships with therapist, even the ones that appear the strongest, can at any moment become rupture and you feel like you've had the rug pulled out from under you.

I'm not sure it was really out of the blue. We've had many sessions of me struggling to see she cares, questioning her, etc. I really think she was mentioning spacing sessions to help and I took it the wrong way. I guess I said some hurtful things and she just had a hard time with it.

[BudFox]

I don't know the details of your story, but sorry to hear this. I suffered thru a rupture where my T turned on me to an extent. One of the most painful and disillusioning experiences ever.

Ts are people too, and they will get triggered. Problem is we clients can get quite far down the path of attachment or dependency or emotional exposure before we discover this.

Hope you can work it out.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Could it be that your tranference is blocking you from seeing the care she does provide?

.

My T. has actually said this. And, I agreed with her after a long cry in between sessions. We just discussed this maybe 3 sessions ago.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I'm not sure it was really out of the blue. We've had many sessions of me struggling to see she cares, questioning her, etc. I really think she was mentioning spacing sessions to help and I took it the wrong way. I guess I said some hurtful things and she just had a hard time with it.

I can relate. My T did not like me questioning things or pointing out problems. I say do not be a T if you can't handle such difficulties.

I like the idea of (I think) the famous analyst Ferenczi -- "mutual analysis". Let the C analyze the T.