Attunement

I grew up in a family where partly due to personality differences, partly due to life circumstances, parents were not present either physically or emotionally for me as much as I needed - not even close.

A lot of times I learned to be what they wanted me to be, what they thought I already was, so as to fool myself into having received that sense of attunement. It was particularly tough with mom because unlike dad who was almost never tuned into me, mom was, but she had to be right and also often distracted by her own needs and desires. She would even correct me about what I wanted, disagreeing with my words and telling dad what I really wanted! Either way, in terms of attunement, there are two options, it's like a lock and key situation, either the lock has to change or the key. If I want love but mom gives me food, maybe it was food that I wanted all along - do you see how I did that? I would fool myself into thinking she read my mind. But I had to repress that knowledge.

And there was anger behind it. Sometimes I overate to the point of developing an eating disorder, like binge eating. Jammed the food down my throat to the point of nausea, maybe if I ate so much, somewhere along the way, some of it will contain love, like eating rocks looking for gold.

When I went for therapy, I found it shocking every time my therapists were not tuned into me. Or read me wrong. It felt so jarring. At first it had not mattered to me and frankly a lot of times I was not making eye contact, and did not know or care if they were tuned into me. But they kept pushing me into opening up and being more vulnerable so we can make deeper change. They told me they cared, they could help me, etc.

When I did that I realized how much someone being tuned in to me, mattered. I hated them for making me realize this, it made me feel weak. Then I felt like a little *****, always complaining, making a big deal about them not being tuned into me, when my T had misread me or got distracted or had forgotten how I felt the week before or whatever.

Sometimes out of anger, I would act like childhood, like I would pretend that they read me correctly, that what they said or felt or what they saw as cause of what, whatever, was exactly right. I would say, "Yeah that's true, that's exactly right, I'm feeling angry and because of X." And I would act as if that was true. Like just to see where the therapist will go with that. But I was mad at them. Later on this would often confuse my therapist, given that if they're reading was right, they would expect certain things to be happening but they weren't. That's how they would find out what I was doing.

I often acted like that when I felt that my therapist, if she tried and cared more, could easily be more tuned into me, but she didn't. Or if that their words did not reflect their actions. It's that whole cliche: IF you loved me, you would know that. I had not said they should care for me, they were the ones who kept saying they did and I should open up and they know me and know how it feels and can help me. So I thought this was a special relationship, I would let myself get vulnerable, let myself depend and need their love and affection and care...and then they would treat me like ****.

Okay, that's extreme, but it made me feel like ****. Do you know how much it hurts to not be known, to not be recognized, as if you don't exist? By your own family? Then you deny the need, live an angry distant life, someone says that they can offer you that and contain you and read you and you can let go, but it's another lie. They will not emotionally invest you enough. What they say are just words with no emotions behind them, no actions behind them. Maybe it's about a therapist's need to feel they're able to be tuned into you, but it's not about reality. Nor can them being tuned into you for parts of an hour every week repair damage done from the past.

I hate the therapist stare, the supposed know-it-all, heal-you-deep-inside, the piercing constant stare that is supposed to contain you, to bathe you in compassion, blah blah. Just because someone looks at you, does not mean they can see.

And now I can't stop this *******ed stupid obsession with people being tuned into me, whether it's online, talking to people in the street, I want to yell that, "look at me, no, see me, I'm not another customer, I'm not a random person, I'm real, I'm different, don't expect me to be who you think I am or should be, I am different, I exist." I almost feel like I need to hear this or feel this on a constant basis or else I feel like I'm dead in some symbolic way, I don't exist, I don't matter. I sound like a lunatic!

Makes sense to me. I grew up with parents who would even ridicule things that I liked (I remember my stepdad actually called something I loved "stupid".) I want to believe that "therapist stare" is meaningful and real, but it is very hard to trust.

This is not something we talk a lot about here, and now i am smh. Reading your post, i perfectly see my false self trying to maintain attunement in the family and with the world. That was my main complaint, living a life where i wasnt really me. Its getting different now, as i become more me. Thanks for this thread!

I think it's a cry for you to see the 'real you'.

Thank you for your hugs everybody and the posts by Growlycat and Hankster, I appreciate it. Also _Mouse said really spoke to me in a way I don't quite understand mentally, the words have been circling in my head for a few days: "I think it's a cry for you to see the 'real you'." I really wonder....