Leaving T after giving birth / worrying she is going to die..

I saw my T for many many years. One of my main issues at the end was infertility, then going through fertility treatment, then pregnancy. We had an unexpected last session when I was 34 weeks due to pregnancy health complications.

I still continued to email her before and after I gave birth. 5 weeks later after giving birth, we had a meet up (not a session as she did not accept money) for an hour with my newborn also present. It was bizarre changing him on the floor in t's room and breastfeeding him in the same room where so much drama had taken place. T held my baby and helped me get him out of the carrier. It was full of lovely moments and she gave me a small gift for baby.

We didn't really have a termination session. Our meet up session was more like friends, she shared moments about her life and motherhood.

I haven't seen her for a few months now. I find myself thinking of her often and recently panicking that I'm going to read she has passed away whenever I read the death notices. She's in her mid 70s now, but I still worry.

I would love to have a termination session, but it will feel like it's the end forever. I think our boundaries did become blurred at the end. Part of me still wants to test her, and see if she will contact me like she has done a few times, but then I remember this is distorted and needy thinking and I'm different now.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm worried she will die before I say goodbye properly, but I'm tempted to go back to her constantly (or want to go back like before) if I do see her again.

What would you do? Do you guys have any similar experiences?

I would write a poem that sums up the age old agony of anticipating separation. There is no good way. The only thing that works for me is to have every meeting and every parting as if it was the last, but with the hope there will be another.

Now you have an excuse to email her, not about you, about the baby. It smiled, it crawled, it said its first word, it took its first step, and hopefully beyond. People in their 70's will usually live a decade or two. I stopped grieving my parents passing someday in the future and started living more in this moment.

Sounds like you have someone that was a nurturer in your journey. It is something i am so thankful for. The only way I can make even a token of appreciation is to help whoever crosses my path.

Thanks for sharing - I am touched by the beauty of such a person as your T - I wish I had someone like that but I guess I did and just lost track of them on the outside but they are there on the inside.

No need to have a termination session - sounds like you have a friend for life!

I gotta go now. I can't see the screen there is so much moisture in my eyes.

I would probably write to her and let her know all she means to you and list out some of the things you appreciate about her and how she has helped you. This way, if she passes she'll know how you feel about her. And you could also let her know that you'd like to leave the door open to return if you wanted/needed to, either for a check in kind of thing or back to regular type therapy. That's what I'd do anyways and have with a therapist I saw years ago. I had to move out of state but wanted to be able to come back if I ever moved back. It felt really good to write her and let her know just how much she had meant to me and how she had helped me. She appreciated it too. GL