[ThisWayOut]

...and life actually. They are interfering with everything, and I feel like I'm wasting time.
I can't seem to admit to T that I am not functioning. I go in smiles and distance and walls, and that is all she gets. I leave with little to no concept of what went on in session. I don't know. It's like I am walking around these days on auto-pilot, only I know I'm on auto-pilot and missing a bunch of stuff.
I'm not sure how to convey it to T. I've told her walls have gone up and I feel a huge disconnect from everything, but then I'm able to make small-talk. Anything we talk about is delivered with fake happiness, or no emotion at all.
I'm used to dissociating, but being less-aware of it. It's very frustrating to know I'm disconnected from everything, and know I won't remember conversations or events with any emotional connection...
I know I saw T today, but it already feels like days ago (and like it was a lame story I read, not an experience I have had). This is a relatively new reaction to stress. It's kinda like consciously forgetting everything, only I'm not intending to forget what goes on day-to-day, just distance from my current stressors. I've been meaning to talk to T about it more, but when the session rolls around, I "step out" and everything I had meant to talk about before I got there suddenly disappears. It's no longer important or relevant, nor can I necessarily remember what I wanted to talk about, just that there was something. I tried writing stuff down, but then I lose my nerve to give it to T. I also worry she will ask questions about it, and I don't have any answers. It's like, I look at it again and have no idea what I was talking about when writing it.
I dunno...
I start things, then I lose my train of thought (kinda like with this post... sorry...). I want to reach out for support around things, then I forget what it was that I needed help with, or why I would need help with anything, so I back-track and hang up or simply not have any idea what I was trying to say. It's so frustrating...

(at one point, these walls and the distance was something I had control over. I've since lost that control).

[FranzJosef]

I had a particular problem with walls.
I was always sure the other person was building them on purpose.
I took them personally.

[FranzJosef]

How are the walls today?

[ThisWayOut]

walls are up, but for different reasons. I admitted to falling apart, and we agreed that I needed something else. intaked with an iop, but it sucked. that same day though, I also found out a definite move date (early July), so T agreed to see me through next week. My walls are up around this huge move and having to process all the losses that go with it...
I'm better though now that I have a plan. The uncertainty was killing me...