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#1
May 11, 2007, 07:47 AM
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I've just come back from my T session after not having my other one this week because of a bank holiday over here in the uk.
I started of by saying that I feel I need to come clean and tell her I mananged to get my hands on some diazipam and took them all this week, mind you they ain't as magic as I thought they would be! Then I said I have this voice shouting at T that she doesn't care! she asked if that was because she never made me come on Tuesday to make up for the missed monday session? I said yes. I said I can;t pick you up and get you this side of the boundarys. She nodded. I said I feel like I can't get anything there anymore, no more comfort. She replied she thinks I can and I am seeing it in either all or nothing thinking and there was more "comfort" to be had. I then struggling to hold back tears told her that I ain't gonna give in, that I aint gonna surrender to whatever it is that she thinks I should surrender too and she asked me what I meant by that. I said that I will be weak and then she will leave me, walk away. She said I think your afraid that if your going to allow yourself to feel comfortable and relaxed with her and in there, and trust her then she will tell me that is all been a sham and that I'm not really hers, that I'm adopted  Geez, that did hit the spot, I began to "wake up" the fog that I've been in for days started to clear then this voice in my head was going uh uh! you've been in a fog I told her this and she said in a very comforting voice that its ok to be in a fog it happens. I said Oh dear, I've forgotten I'm a grown up too Then I could see the real woman sitting there with me the one that I can trust.But man the tears? they just kept coming, I said I feel like that 5 yr old was abandoned by me a long time ago, I wouldnt do something like that, leave a child hurting, I can't believe i did that. T said that I was a child myself and couldn;t do anything other then what I did do to survive and that I built a shell around me and instead of the shell being strong it is weak and we need to build my strenght up from the inside out, I've trapped all my pain inside. All the way home tears just came, I had to wear my sunglasses to hide  I felt so in touch with the 5yr old inside of me that experienced the shocking news of not belonging to who I thought was mum! T says taking the pills was an act of anger at myself and at T. I agreed. It was a fingers up to both of us because that 5yr old felt uncared for. I'm waking up now, I'm 45! I remember again. Geez! ppffftt thats all I can say really! The fog makes everything seem soooooooooo REAL! |
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#2
May 11, 2007, 08:04 AM
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Wow.... You must be exhausted. You have done good work this week.. Thank you for sharing... That is powerful.
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#3
May 11, 2007, 08:46 AM
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((((Mouse))))
((((little mouse)))) What an awesome session. It really touched me. 
__________________
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#4
May 11, 2007, 09:29 AM
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The five year old might not always seem that/this accessible but don't worry, she's very attached and very yours now :-)
What good, hard work though. I bet your T is very happy and pleased. I always liked that double bonus where I got something good and my T thought it was good too. You'll sleep well tonight!
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#5
May 11, 2007, 12:32 PM
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((((((((((((((((MOUSE))))))))))
I am very glad to hear that you are doing well in your sessions. I hope the best for you MOUSE. Take care and have a good weekend. Soidhonia
__________________
The Caged Bird Sings with a Fearful Trill of Things Unknown and Longed for Still and his Tune is Heard on the Distant Hill for the Caged Bird Sings of Freedom |
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#6
May 11, 2007, 03:00 PM
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I wouldnt do something like that, leave a child hurting, I can't believe i did that. T said that I was a child myself and couldn;t do anything other then what I did do to survive and that I built a shell around me... I've trapped all my pain inside. </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> That's me to a t also. My T has taught me methods using ego state therapy to have my adult ego state go back and help my child ego states, to rescue them, to provide them with what they needed back then. It's been very powerful and healing for me. I hope you can learn how to take care of your child, mouse. It sounds like you are making tremendous progress in therapy--what a great session!
__________________
"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
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#7
May 11, 2007, 10:03 PM
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Beautiful work, Mouse.
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#8
May 12, 2007, 11:35 AM
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what has T done to me....she has opened emotions that i've never ever experienced...its like feeling every death that has ever happened happening in one go!....i dont want to get through this...I have never felt such pain...i dont want to go on with this...anything is better than this....i'm past asking for t's help...way passed it...way passed everything the pain is to much.
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#9
May 12, 2007, 01:50 PM
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(((( mouse ))))
ECHOES |
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#10
May 12, 2007, 08:13 PM
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Sounds like a fantastic session!
 Congrats on all the good work! Sounds like you have a really good connection with your therapist....Sid |
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