Couch 96: Where Furry Things Abound

Well you had quite an intimate moment with your son the other day about wealth that you shared with us. But yeah you and your h avoid those moments and fight instead? Thats what i do with my family. I think my mother and brother talk intimately, but when i do, they look at me like i have 3 heads.

Eta - i remember my first long term shrink mentioning it to me. Had no idea what she was talking about. Now i would say that t and i can go there whenever we need to.

Well I sent that third email. I can't help but think it was a spectacularly bad idea... I mean, he doesn't owe me a response or anything. It just hurts... I don't want to wind up losing email privileges because I can't be a big girl over it...

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I don't understand the question or issue about emotional intimacy. I don't know that not having it means one is afraid of it - I am not convinced of its necessity. I don't see the link between fear of intimacy and getting upset when someone pushes buttons. Sometimes people just piss you off - why would that be connected to intimacy?
I really am asking - I don't get it.

I do not think emailing or contacting a therapist is privilege particularly. If they have an email address that is published or made known as part of their business or that they gave out - why would a client not get to use it like anyone else? Who is the business email for if not for clients?

I need to think about all this a lot before i talk to t again on tuesday. i think you're right that i can't seem to share that way with my h without feeling belittled and getting defensive. it's all me. it all comes back to me!!!!! and now i'm apparently playing the same stupid song with t! wth?!?! i don't understand. am i so selfish that i want to keep myself to myself? I think I am going to have a glass of wine and put this away until tuesday t.

I think pushing my buttons is connected to intimacy because - when I can't help but react, then the other person KNOWS they pushed my buttons, and they know something about me that I don't normally show. I feel like they took it, that I didn't show it willingly, I don't know, I am confused too!! She thinks I'm afraid of it because - while yes we had a certain level of intimacy over the phone as far as the things I shared with her, but she couldn't SEE me, and then she thinks it was too much sitting across the room from her again after all of that and that I freaked out and didn't call her for a month. I hadn't intended to anyway as I told her, but she said because of the dreams - that I finally called after a month to share, that I should have called sooner but was afraid to because of the deeper level of intimacy her seeing me and knowing all the stuff I'd told her over the phone. I don't know. I don't really get it either. But I want to understand. So I will talk about it with her on Tuesday.

Art, um, you sound suspiciously like me back when I was going through the worse of that rupture with previous T and taking all the blame into myself.
If you're feeling belittled and defensive there's a reason for it, and of there's more than one person in the room it's not all about you.
Now, if this was a consistent pattern in all your relationships I might say maybe you're into something. But I don't think it is... ?

I'm going to get in the wine myself later. Some days need wine more than others...

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What I mean when I say it's me is because I don't defend myself. I cry. I have had moments few and far between where I did defend myself without tears, but they have been rare. I don't defend myself, and I stay. It's like, damn, I'm repeating the pattern of my parents/siblings with him. I'm trapped in my dysfunctional birth family right inside my marriage! it's exactly the same emotionally! (the physical abuse I grew up with isn't part of my marriage thank goddess and that is probably the reason why i stay because it is 'better') but emotionally it feels the same. this sucks so much. Sorry for being such a downer lately couch. I really need to figure this crap out. I feel so stupid thinking I was ready to be done with therapy. I've been an idiot!! And now t is getting fed up with me I just know she is! Where is that bottle of wine, dammit, I need wine!!! Oh yeah. I put it in the fridge already. Doh.

Arbor Mist Pink Raspberry Moscato. It's what's for dinner.

The way you told your son, "we will work this out together" - that was THE moment. The moment you told him he was not alone. Thats the thing with marriage / partners - we hedge our bets? I can leave if this doesnt work out. Ill withhold sex if he or she doesnt give in.

Eta - i saw your muscato in the drugstore the other day and i thought of the couch!.

Yeah I refused to say I was afraid of intimacy for a long time. I just said I did not want it or need it. It was hard for me to admit that the rejection of intimacy was due to fear.

Here's to Wine!

Don't feel bad Art. I'm doing the Email Potty Dance today I feel right silly, because I do know better, but I'm doing it anyway...

I love the couch.

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PSA for the Winos: It is suggested you not wine and email the therapist. Alcoholic emails never make one feel better when the buzz wears off.

I don't think rejection is why I don't want more of it than I have. I think I don't want to be trapped. Near is okay - smushed up is suffocating.

#ohyeahforgotsdh8semojis!

Yes - the horrible smiley thing is distressing because they are way too close together.

It is very much the fear of being trapped or suffocated that affects me. I quite literally got chest pains when the marriage counselor used the word enmeshment in reference to relationships. Intimacy = death or loss of myself.

No worries on my part SD - I am not going anywhere NEAR my email this evening/tonight! I had h hide my cell phone so texting won't happen either. I may be overly contributing to the couch, however....!

I do thank you for the reminder.

For me - it is not that intimacy in and of itself is upsetting - too much would be-but not just some or enough. I think enough is good. Too much is bad.
Enmeshed would be awful I think.

I wished I had learned this before the age of 19, when my naive brain ( and other parts) convinced myself to marry.. Now, I am convinced I am not s relationship person. Sometimes I feel trapped... No good!

I have a partner and there is sick bff/ex (we do not all reside in the same building at the same time) - we work because our arrangement is a bit unconventional. I would be awful in a conventional 2 person in the same space forever domestic situation.

i am going to come back to this one tomorrow after the wine has worn off. I think it contains some needed wisdom. thankyou.

i relaly just didn't know i have been so unaware of so much that has to do with my self. fear. exactly. fear of rejection. if they saw the real me they would run away. why t doesn't run away i don't know. maybe she's going to now because i pissed her off i don't know. but no, that doesn't make sense, does it, she's not emotionally invested, she's a professional, so she shouldn't get pissed off right? i'm projecting again aren't i?

now i want pizza to go with my wine! lol

sadly the only place that delivers near me is Dominoes.

Whoooo-Hooo!