Couch 96: Where Furry Things Abound

Thats exactly how i felt about my long term t back in the 1970-80's! I was like, are you nuts? I already have one person messing me up every time i turn around, i dont need another! THEN i read Wallins book on attachment 5 years or so ago, and i was, so THATS what she meant! So thats what i was missing. Somebody being NICE to you! Who woulda thought thats what a mother was supposed to be? Now i let t be nice to me. And im starting to have some nice left over in me to give to other people, finally.

Eta - and i THOUGHT about being a vegetarian in high school, but they had me on a very short leash. I didnt do anything to upset them. I had to be the good girl while my brother effed up!

Awe, Sorry Growly, I can relate. I wish you were near me! Seattle area ftw. Here's hoping things fill out!

I was a vegetarian for about 15 years. I don't recall my mother saying anything about it really.

Morning, couch.

Wow, lots of posts since I have last logged in (day and a half). I caught up, but so much was said, I don't know where to start, so I will just jump back in here.

Been extremely tired lately and I don't know why. Maybe it is the 10 hour shifts I have been getting. I enjoy it, but it is still tiring. Yesterday's shift was only 8 hours, but that is still longer than a school day at my school job during the school year. Tonight's shift is only 4 hours.

I was asked to work in another store again on one of my non-40 hour weeks. I don't know how to say "no" so I agreed. Hopefully this store will go better than the last one.

Have T on Monday. Have to see what she has to say about my fax. It shall be the final test of if she will work or not.

Well, I need to go shower. Be back later, couch.

I finally had to admit to myself (and told t too) that for a long while I was projecting the good mother that i always wished i'd had onto her. I was horrified myself at this realization... but for a different reason I think, horrified that I would in any way relate my beloved t to my mother. Shudder.

So I took a stab at emotional intimacy this morning with h, and told him what t had said the other day, and that it knocked the pins out from under me, and I asked him if he thought I had a fear of emotional intimacy. He thought about it out loud for a little bit and then concluded by saying, yes, I think you might. the earth just tilted on it's axis, h agrees with t. but then he said "but i don't think it's anything to worry about, i think you should just file it as 'that's just how you are' and just be yourself." I'm glad I finished the wine last night, or I would be in it again this morning. Blergh!

Oh, and good morning couch!! (or good evening)

I am baby-stepping toward becoming vegetarian, as my spiritual evolution continues, however I am finding that it's hard going from a meat-eater for most of my life to not eating meat! Right now I'm doing little things like picking pepperoni slices off of pizza and giving them to h or son, making bean soup to take to work for lunch, stuff like that. I have not been able to make a commitment to it as far as a lifestyle kind of thing yet. It's kinda like the therapy thing, making gradual changes in myself over a period of time, I guess.

My mother is a vegetarian, so this would thrill her to no end, but I am not going to tell her anything about it. I'm so stupid like that. My whole life I've wanted her to say she's proud of me. She WOULD if I told her this. But I won't because it has nothing to do with her and she would think it did and try to take credit for it.

(picking up on the Mother Issues theme..... oh yeah, I still have them!)

See, being a vegetarian is pretty easy for me because I've never liked the taste/texture of meat, even as a kid. Now I would have great difficulty being vegan, since I like cheese too much. Have had to switch to soy milk on cereal and in chai though because I've become a bit lactose intolerant (cheese is OK though).

Fake meat.
Eases the transition and I actually like it better than real meat. Friends not food. My T is NOT a vegetarian and when she said I should treat my inner child to some pancakes and bacon ( I have struggled with eating disorders my whole life so this is a foreign idea to me) i told her deadpan "we don't eat our friends. Friends not food!" and she was so irritated I giggled for like 20 minutes--- because I actually have no interest in converting other people to vegetarianism and would never say something like that seriously. I think the moral objection to eating meat is something you come to on your own and no point forcing the viewpoint on others.

Also my mother died last year and here and in therapy are the only places where I can say what a blessing it is to be free of her. Let her be crazy and abusive in the afterlife somewhere but not with me!

Thanks! I'm going grocery shopping today I think I'll look around the fake meats and see what might interest me. No time like the present to kick it up a notch. I feel encouraged that I'm going to actually make the transition someday, by doing it gradually of course but mostly because (like you said) it's something I am coming to on my own. Nobody's forcing it on me.

Quorn chicken is really good as are most of the morning star farms products. I love Boca burgers. Avoid tofurkey

Morning Couch. Here's a cat inna box...



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I did microbiotic vegetarianism and really liked it - but it does require more planning than meat. I was not much into the meat substitute processed food. I really like beans of all sorts and whole grains and tofu- so I would make my own black bean patties and so forth. I never could get into seitan which is sometimes recommended as a meat substitute. I found I did better not trying to substitute anything for meat - but thought about it as eating differently from meat. And for all of my bloody meat smoking and sausage making etc - I really only eat meat once or twice a week. I am still a beans and brown rice lover.

Mother issues... Yeah...
Complicated because my mom is great in some ways, but absolutely terrible in others. She wasn't 'good enough' when I was growing up, but she tried to be. But then again, she tends to rewrite history in her own favor so maybe she didn't try as hard as I think? She admitted recently that she didn't pay enough attention to me as a child. I never though I would see the day... She always had to have more attention than I did... To be seen to be 'good' and 'caring'.
I remember being chastised as a young teen for talking about myself... And being told to stop looking for attention because I got 'loads of attention'.
When it comes to money and material stuff she'll give me almost anything I ask for (now, not as a child), but she has very limited emotional reserves. I have to be careful what I share with her. If it becomes too much for her - and it does quite easily, she'll lash out and get hurtful, usually in subtle ways that are hard to pin down. She keeps saying she wishes she were closer to me, so she could be more of a support with what I'm going through, but I'm glad she is not. She provides her best support at a distance. It's hard to overwhelm someone over the phone. Well, okay, it's not hard, but it is easier to avoid.
You know how it is with a T - they often have to be careful to stay within the limits of what you can tolerate, and how it's hard to keep that level of awareness up for much longer than an hour at a time. Well, that's what it's like with my mother. She wants to be supportive, but it's hardly support when you're responsible for both her boundaries and your own. It's like having a small child who wants to 'help'. You let them, because you love them and that's how they learn, but means more work for you...

I love the kitty inna box pic!! My cats still love boxes. Especially the big black one, he will "lay in" a box and appear to be comfortable even though he is in actuality laying on top of the edges of said box and smashing it haha.

I have gone to pick up or move boxes not knowing the cat was inside - scares the bejeezus out of both of us when it happens.

My t is good at this, and also pretty skilled at when she should push me outside of those limits - like the other day, telling me about the emotional intimacy thing. Yeah, she knocked me for a loop, but it needed to be done, and I obviously was ready to hear it because I've been (I think) doing some good work around the topic since then. Talking about it here, and asking h about it earlier, and writing about it at work yesterday. If she'd of mentioned it when I wasn't ready to hear it, I would have reacted much differently I think, and would not have made any more appointments after seeing her last month. It likely would have brought my work to a halt. I feel a lot of respect for her, knowing when was the right time to say what she said the other day.

Yes!! I've done that too! And dropped the box, while the cat is leaping out of it as it's falling. I love having cats.

As much as I adore my own dogs - I am generally more of a cat person.

I've never had a dog. We used to have outdoor cats when I was a kid. I'm so so excited about my kitty because I have wanted a pet - a 'real' indoor pet forever. The stbx hated animals. I could never have had a pet around him, he was straight-up abusive toward animals.

spamming the couch with kitty pics

I love kitty pics!! Here's one from a couple years ago, one of my cats being a little too interested in my sand tray:

We had a dog when I was a kid, her name was Dutch (because my Dad refused to name her a female name lol) and she was the sweetest, most loyal dog ever. She was a miniature schnauzer, but they didn't crop her ears or tail so when her fur got really long she didn't look like a schnauzer at all. She used to wait for me every day to come home from high school, she knew what time my bus would drop me off. So long ago, but I remember so clearly how it felt seeing her in the window watching for me every day! Thanks for bringing to mind a sweet memory.

Hmmm, why does the hoominz putz shiny toyz in their litterbox? ...