Has a health professional ever given you a 'talking to'?

I am struggling a bit at the moment. I'm in the middle of a change in meds, and my mood is not very stable.

My MH nurse and t are not happy with me. My MH nurse gave me a bit of a talking to about the meds I've been hoarding and my intention to take them. I felt pretty pathetic and embarrassed about my thoughts and behaviour.

I'm just scared that they're frustrated by me and quite unhappy with my behaviour.

How do I face them this week?

Continue to be honest and perhaps seriously consider taking all of your excess meds to them to turn over to them. This is a serious risk factor that will influence decisions they make about your safety. Yes, they may very well be frustrated with you because they are concerned about you and you are actively making a very unsafe choice that increases your risk factors. Impulsivity is hard to keep clients safe from, so it would go a long way to improving their ability to trust you with your own safety if they knew you didn't have that means available.

I'm guessing that when you went in for an appointment, you talked about the worsening of your SI and mentioned that you're hoarding medication in anticipation of using the medication if things get too bad for you to handle. You might be right that your mental health team is feeling some frustration and this lead to a "good talking to" by your mental health nurse. Sometimes when we're not thinking straight, we forget that the medication being prescribed to us to "help us" is being prescribed by people who care about us and want to help. It's sometimes hard to think through how using that medication to harm ourselves might impact the very people who prescribed it. Think about the guilt and pain this realization might have on the very individuals who prescribed the meds. In other words, it can be somewhat selfish of us to use the very thing people who care about us gave us to harm ourselves.

I truly do understand how hard it is to be in a terrible place mentally, but Lolagrace, is right on--if you want to repair your relationship with your mental health nurse and your therapist, the best thing you can do is take the meds you've hoarded and hand them over to your team. They will see this as you making an honest and straight forward attempt to show you are willing to hand over the means you've saved to hurt yourself and work with them to make things less painful and unbearable. Good luck and keep talking to your team!

I know you're both right. I feel awful about it. I didn't think about how it could make them feel like they've made the wrong decision giving me meds. Not to mention that they may now see me as untrustworthy.

I feel very ashamed.

Honestly, don't waste time and energy feeling guilty about it. Use you time and energy doing something more healthy for yourself such as getting rid of your hoard of meds. You know this is a dangerous behavior for you. Use this awareness as a motivation to take positive, preventative action on your part.

I understand your thinking. Been there; done that. But in order to affect true positive change, you are going to very deliberately need to make healthy decisions about your self-care. This is a good place to start.

I've done the exact same thing with hoarding medication, and my T and MH nurse have also spoke to me about it.

I'm not going to tell you that your feelings are wrong or you should not have them. I've been there, done that myself. I can really relate to the shame afterwards.
One thing I have found for myself is that communicating things like this to my treaters, in this specific way, is my attempt at starting a conversation... Can you pinpoint why you told them in the way you told them? It's definitely good that you told them, and I certainly want you to be safe! I'm reading into your situation what happens with me, so I wanted to bring it up in case it's what's going on with you.
Sometimes the only way we know how to communicate are not the most effective in communicating exactly what we want to communicate.
fwiw, I've never felt a lecture from my providers did anything to help me trust them... I get why they did it at the time, but it felt like ****...
sorry if none of this is helpful... feel free to delete this if it's inappropriate.

Please give them the medication you have been hoarding. Tell them exactly how you feel and that you need support. Please stay safe.

My therapist has reamed me up one side and down the other several times for stuff i do. Shes only mad/ frustrated right then, then she gets it out and gets over it really quickly so we are always fine next time we talk.
It doesnt bother me at all when she does it. Its usually because thats exactly what I need.

I will apologise when I see them next, because I am sorry about putting them in that situation, but I still feel the way I do. I guess I'll see how things go with the apology and whatever else is likely to come out. I find it really hard to overtly lie, but I can lie through omition. We'll see what comes out through the apology discussion.

Are you going to get rid of the meds? Without doing that part, the apology is really only words. They really need to know you have eliminated that means of harming yourself.

What LolaGrace said.

No - I would not abide such a thing from someone I hire. They have no place lecturing me in any fashion.

I'm right on board with you SD in regard to not having a lot of tolerance for someone lecturing me. In fact, when a therapist has tried to do that, I politely let him know that I was an adult, just like him, and I was fine with him letting me know how my decisions might not line up with his idea of a "wise" course of action, but that I didn't appreciate his lecturing tone. He got the message.

But I do think that in situations like the one the OP has mentioned--hording medicines PRESCRIBED by her mental health care providers for the purpose of harming herself is something that needs to be pointed out to her. It doesn't have to be in a lecturing tone and if that was done, I agree that she has the right to talk to the person about that, but the provider does have a right to speak up about this use and the impact it will have on the providers. We talk on here a lot about how therapists act out and betray the relationship by saying one thing and doing something else. I, and I mean how I personally view a relationship, even a paid one like therapy, see us, the client having a responsibility in the therapeutic relationship too. Using medication prescribed by the treatment team is not kosher and we need to hear that when or if we plan to use it in an act of suicide.

I disagree - but I know I am in the minority on this forum and will not go further on this thread.

This is a safety issue which should be taken very seriously. Having been in this situation personally, sometimes a firm reality check is exactly what I needed and kept me from making very dangerous decisions.

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I have been lectured on eating. I am too thin and I "forget" to eat. So T and pdoc hound me about that.
It is annoying and embarrassing.
It's serious but not as serious as what you are considering.

I hope you don't decide to use the medication. Perhaps flush them down the toilet if you don't want to bring them back to your T.
They care about you and that is why they gave you a "talking to."

Yes, I was manic and making some bad choices. I got quite a talking to.

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Let me play devil's advocate for a moment here.

If you tell them you are feeling suicidal and even to the point of making a back-up suicide plan for yourself, but you are not taking any actions to keep yourself safe, then they might feel like you are trying to manipulate them.

I imagine that mental health professionals who have good hearts and good intentions, have to deal with a lot of malingering and manipulation in addition to helping people who are genuinely suffering.

Pouring out your emotional energy into patients who are malingering and/or manipulating probably feels like a massive and draining betrayal, and they probably experience it many times throughout their careers.

So it is possible that they are wrestling with concerns that you are trying to manipulate them, while also trying very hard not to assume or judge you.

I think that the best thing you can do in this situation is to give them the medications you have been hoarding. It will be a strong gesture of your desire to actually get better and cooperate with them in that journey. Not only do you need to do this for yourself, but they might need this gesture from you in order to bolster their faith and determination to help you.

So, against my wish I have thrown out the meds. I saw t today and had a good session - I was honest and as open as possible, and I let her know exactly where I'm at. I see my MH nurse tomorrow and, hopefully, will be able to be as open and honest as I was with my t. I made it clear last week that I'm not an imminent risk, just that my thoughts, feelings and behaviours were taking me in that direction. There are warning signs that I don't always see but, with honesty, my health care professionals (and people on PC!) might.

You were very brave to do this TWF - both throwing the meds (was it not possible to give them back to the nurse in person?) + in being open and honest with T. I hope T was supportive as well?

They just want(ed) to keep you safe and your behaviour was flirting with danger, thus why they took such a stern stance. But you did good... it takes courage to be this self-aware and honest and then follow through by taking action to correct the situation. Keep talking to T and using the resources you have.

That was a very positive stept in your own self-care. Good work.

Glad you threw the meds out and had a good talk with your therapist. Hang in there and keep talking to your team! I know it's hard but things can change.

Glad you took that step and are being open with your T. It's better to address things in the warning stages than to wait till the imminent risk part.