Male mind T vs Female mind T

I don't tend to think much about how men and women think differently, in fact some of those kinds of thoughts I have always dismissed as stereotypes.

But in therapy today, my male CBT T seemed to be struggling to understand me based on my gender. I've had male T's who completely understand the need for connection, feeling cared for etc. and didn't see it as a male/female thing.

I'll try to explain: CBT T has put up some boundaries lately and it is setting off very needy feelings in myself. He mentioned something odd, that men tend to be dismissive of those that hurt them (like a therapist.) He didn't elaborate on what he thought women do instead (get hurt feelings??)

I felt like he was genuinely trying to understand me today. I mean he really seemed to be trying and just not getting it.

I have very rarely in my life felt like this-- that a guy I know and like is being stupid in a way only a man can be. My apologies to the men out there who have emotional intelligence. What I just said sounds horrific even to me. But that is the only way I can describe his reaction to me.

If I thought I just had a moron as a therapist I'd move on but I don't think that's it. He seemed to be a little distressed by not understanding, "Coach me"…"Help me understand" etc littered his conversation.

Anyone ever have a gender gap issue in therapy????

Wow. My t gets defensive but not dismissive. Hes a world class pouter. Being dismissive is MY problem. This sounds like he is dismissively attached. Educate him?? He needs a psychodynamic t to do some attachment work with! I find this very upsetting. Like up a creek without a paddle. Like a dance instructor asking you to show him the steps. Wtf.

lol hankster--
I do worry that I'm making him sound like an idiot.

I am wondering if he has never felt this kind of emotional intensity towards anyone or maybe never did his own therapy?? I'm taken aback that he doesn't seem aware that therapy for some conjures up really needy childlike feelings. I really am at a loss. It would be easier if I didn't like him. Then I could walk away.

I don't know if it's entirely a gender difference. My male T is really good at this sort of stuff - certainly a lot better than I am and definitely better than previous (female) T.
Honestly it makes sense that your T struggles with this kind of stuff given the confusing push-pull-ish boundary instructions he gave you regarding the emailing...
The comment about men being dismissive of those who hurt them screams 'unresolved issue' to me. I don't think men are any more dismissive of being hurt than women, they just maybe deal with it differently.

Most male T's that I've had have been as emotionally attuned as any female I've known. CBT T has always seemed a stereotype of a "typical guy".

The dismissive issue comment I read as his recollecting how angry male patients respond to him vs female patients. Male patients tending to have an "eff you" attitude vs female sadness over a loss of connection.

He's tough to figure out.

Hm... The 'eff you' is just a cover for the sadness - because it's not okay for a man to be seen to be sad. He doesn't understand that?
(I lived with an extreme version of the eff you coverup throughout my marriage btw)

I struggle with body image issues and eating disorders. I had two male therapists and now a female therapist. The male therapists absolutely could not seem to understand or relate to how I feel (not that I think that is necessary) and the female therapist is really understanding. It helps me so much that she gets it though. I never thought I would like working with a female therapist, but she is helpful and I think in some ways it is easier to work with her than with the male therapists.

I do think he understands that much, that it is the same feeling put in a different wrapper. But maybe he doesn't??

Our conversation went round and round. I don't think we really understood each other

I remember an editor saying that male writers handle rejection a lot differently than the female writers she's worked with; basically, they just think the rejecting person is wrong and move on. They don't let it hold them back. The women writers take longer to recover before they get back in the game.

As with everything, these are generalizations. A lot of women behave in the way your therapist describes as male, and vice versa. I think his choice of the word dismissive makes it sound more negative than it is.

It sounds to me like he's saying he just doesn't know why his actions are affecting you the way they are. It might be interesting to take his approach and not let anyone else (like him) define how you feel about yourself.

There might be something to it.

9 Differences Between the Male and Female Brain | Brain Fitness For Life

Of course there are always special exceptions, though. I think a man who is a special exception could make a really amazing therapist, just like a female who is a special exception could make one hell of a soldier. Etc.

I think there is a way I think of as typical male - it is a stereotype and it is general and there are exceptions - but I would not be able to deal with it - I have some male friends but I am not, in general, someone who does well with men (male students often gravitate to me - but I am talking about not students). I am trying to figure out how to be supportive here but I really dislike what I hear about this guy and CBT - so I hope you can figure it out and that he keeps helping you more than he hurts and frustrates you.

My marriage counselor seems fairly tuned in to emotions (except for a bit recently maybe...), but he's said he's had a lot of therapy himself. Plus he's married and has a teenage daughter, so I'm sure he's used to dealing with female emotion in his personal life.

It seems good that your T wants you to help him understand...but odd that he would make that distinction between men and women. Though when I'm depressed, for example, I tend to get weepy and down on myself. After my husband's close friend passed away a few years ago, he just seemed to be angry all the time, taking it out on me and our daughter (just verbally, thankfully). We later, in marriage counseling, realized that he was probably grieving and depressed, but it showed itself differently in him. Though I don't think it's a strictly male/female divide--I've had a male friend as well as an ex that tended to be weepy...plus a female friend or two who tended to get angry and defensive. Maybe your T is just trying to understand you.

You know, throwing out the male/female thing for a minute... I wonder if your ET might have something to do with this... You say you weren't understanding each other. It makes me think of a comment T made last week in my session - he said what happened between me and previous T was the most psychodynamic situation he had ever seen, but that he wasn't a psychodynamic therapist (and neither is previous T).
I was thinking, for behavioral therapists, like mine and yours, transference is desirable only as long as it's positive and makes the working relationship run smoothly. Once it turns negative, however, the relationship falls apart, because the work is not based on understanding feelings so much as changing behaviors.
This is much of why I felt so rejected with previous T. She was only willing to work to understand me as long as the relationship was positive. It was up to me to put my negative stuff away. And that hurt.
I don't think it's supposed to be that way, even with behavioral therapists. Certainly it's not like that with T - he has worked through negative feelings with me, but it's more in the interest of getting it out of the way, rather than truly exploring it like a psychodynamic T might... Maybe that's what your CBT T was trying to do with you, but he just didn't do a great job of it. Previous T kinda stunk at it too...

I can always count on pc people to be honest with me! Thanks Stopdog!!
It would be easier if he were just awful, then I would try to find another T.

I worry that I would re-create the same issues no matter who the T is.

Did you have these same issues with psychodynamic guy?

In the early days, I had a lot of issues feeling needy towards psychodynamic T. Psych T never put it in terms of a male/female divide. That part is new.

But the struggle to trust a T and feel cared for is pretty old.

It is not so much, in my opinion, that you have the needy feelings, but that you find a therapist who can deal with them and help you with them also.

I kinda agree with stopdog on this. Like a lot. There is not lot of difference between my current t and prev t/pdoc. I have total ET on both of them, but prev tried to push it off on me, like your cbt t is doing, whers current t is like, lets look at what it means for you. Current t says i am always safe there; prev t was like, youre annoying. (Moi?!)

When i was a teenager and very anorexic, i was forced into therapy. The first visit was with a female. The second was with a make because female was out of town. When she came back she said i could choose between them so i chose the man.
I did that on purpose. I didnt want to be in therapy, and at the time i hated all men. I found it fun to manipulate him and thought he was an idiot.
As an actual mature adult, i know i can not have a male t because i would be tempted to manipulate him and treat him like an idiot.

I like have a female t. Especially when my husband or hers is "acting up" like whining about being sick or acting helpless when we are not around. We totally understand each other when we start a discussion with "men!..... You know how they are..."

He does talk about things differently. Past T's would share very brief personal experiences. Once I confessed I stabbed the eyes of my ex in all his photos with a thumb tack after I found out he cheated on me. She said that was rather restrained, she'd have chopped up all the photos of her ex. Male T seemed horrified - as if I was something to be afraid of - the woman scorned.

Yes, I have had gender gap issues with therapists (two of them) who were the same gender as me, but never with my current, opposite-gender therapist. Also with people outside therapy - if I ever feel a gender divide (which is very unusual) it is women and never men who create it for me.

I think what happened was that your T didn't quite understand you, and also didn't understand why he didn't understand you - he explained in terms of gender what was actually a question of different personalities. it is quite as likely that a woman will dismiss somebody who hurts them. I read about that all the time.

No T can ever completely understand any client. It seems kind of lazy and arrogant of the T to talk about gender in that situation, to be honest.

I am male but I feel like female Ts have more potential to understand me. There are bad female Ts though. My old one wouldn't hear any talk of emotions, she wanted me to man up, ugh. Current T is awesome, she can't always understand a lot of my emotions but she at keast understands that I have them. It's not (always) a gender thing at all, just different lives.

I also struggle to work with males though. I have lots of negative transferences