[BlackFeather]

I haven't been on this forum for a while, but I've been thinking a lot about this so I decided to post on here again to see what you all think.

I've seen two therapists recently. One of them told me that they thought that I could have depression. They told me that I have the negative thinking, low self esteem and a few of the other symptoms that a person with depression usually has. The other therapist I saw told me that she doesn't think I'm depressed. She said that I don't have a lot of the signs that are associated with depression I guess. She basically said that if I was depressed, I wouldn't be able to function normally. I have a job that I go to and at the time that I was seeing her, I was in school. I have since graduated.

Sometimes, I feel like she might be right. Sometimes, I feel sad, but sometimes I don't. I don't know what I feel. I know I don't feel happy. I used to cry a lot, but now I don't really cry much at all. It just depends I guess on the way I'm feeling each day. But, sometimes I feel like the only reason I get up in the morning is because I don't want my family to know that there might be something wrong with me. Like I have to act as normal as possible because I want to hide it from them. I have to because they already think that I'm lazy because when I am home, I usually just stay in my room and lay in my bed most of the time. My mom thinks I sleep 24/7 which actually isn't true but she thinks it is.

I'm questioning myself now because I thought that it was possible that I was a little depressed but apparently I might not be. Maybe it's all in my head and I'm just imagining it all. Like I made up that I felt sad and that I hate myself and that I was crying and hurting myself for no reason at all, really.

I really just want to be normal and it really makes me hate myself sometimes that I can't.

Sometimes I want to hurt myself and I don't know what to do anymore.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by BlackFeather

I haven't been on this forum for a while, but I've been thinking a lot about this so I decided to post on here again to see what you all think.

I've seen two therapists recently. One of them told me that they thought that I could have depression. They told me that I have the negative thinking, low self esteem and a few of the other symptoms that a person with depression usually has. The other therapist I saw told me that she doesn't think I'm depressed. She said that I don't have a lot of the signs that are associated with depression I guess. She basically said that if I was depressed, I wouldn't be able to function normally. I have a job that I go to and at the time that I was seeing her, I was in school. I have since graduated.

Sometimes, I feel like she might be right. Sometimes, I feel sad, but sometimes I don't. I don't know what I feel. I know I don't feel happy. I used to cry a lot, but now I don't really cry much at all. It just depends I guess on the way I'm feeling each day. But, sometimes I feel like the only reason I get up in the morning is because I don't want my family to know that there might be something wrong with me. Like I have to act as normal as possible because I want to hide it from them. I have to because they already think that I'm lazy because when I am home, I usually just stay in my room and lay in my bed most of the time. My mom thinks I sleep 24/7 which actually isn't true but she thinks it is.

I'm questioning myself now because I thought that it was possible that I was a little depressed but apparently I might not be. Maybe it's all in my head and I'm just imagining it all. Like I made up that I felt sad and that I hate myself and that I was crying and hurting myself for no reason at all, really.

I really just want to be normal and it really makes me hate myself sometimes that I can't.

Sometimes I want to hurt myself and I don't know what to do anymore.

It's very possible to still have depression and function in your life. Some of us are very good at hiding it. I was very depressed my first semester of college (many years ago!)--

Possible trigger:

to the point that I attempted suicide

-- but I still managed to get a 4.0 and write a regular column for the college newspaper. I'm depressed now (it's been off and on--have anxiety issues, too) and manage to take care of my daughter and get work done (I work from home).

I'd suggest continuing therapy, preferably with the one who thinks you may be depressed (the other one sounds too dismissive). Talking to a therapist can help get out what you're really feeling and help you cope with it.

[Leah123]

What if you let go of labeling your struggle and just worked on feeling better? Labels can be helpful, but you don't need a diagnosis to say "I don't feel happy and I'm afraid to let anyone know it" (getting up to hide how you feel from family) to a therapist and to work on that.

I went in angry and stressed. Later, a few months later, we called some of it PTSD, but not having that diagnosis didn't stop me from starting to get better just through focusing on what bothered me the most.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low and wanting to hurt yourself- please don't worry about "imagining things" or making them worse- what you're feeling is valid and a sign to you that you, like most people at different times, could use some help. Nothing wrong with that and you do not need to justify it.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry the second therapist was so dismissive.
I agree that a person can still outwardly function while being depressed. I worked 3 jobs (one f/t & 2 p/t) & took care of my family. I was so depressed I attempted suicide, was hospitalized, but went back to working the same day I was released... Sometimes outward functioning can be deceptive.
If you can, maybe find a therapist who is not so superficial around the symptoms, and just work on getting better (as Leah123 suggested). You deserve the support, and to be happier.
Sending much <3

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by BlackFeather

I haven't been on this forum for a while, but I've been thinking a lot about this so I decided to post on here again to see what you all think.

I've seen two therapists recently. One of them told me that they thought that I could have depression. They told me that I have the negative thinking, low self esteem and a few of the other symptoms that a person with depression usually has. The other therapist I saw told me that she doesn't think I'm depressed. She said that I don't have a lot of the signs that are associated with depression I guess. She basically said that if I was depressed, I wouldn't be able to function normally. I have a job that I go to and at the time that I was seeing her, I was in school. I have since graduated.

Sometimes, I feel like she might be right. Sometimes, I feel sad, but sometimes I don't. I don't know what I feel. I know I don't feel happy. I used to cry a lot, but now I don't really cry much at all. It just depends I guess on the way I'm feeling each day. But, sometimes I feel like the only reason I get up in the morning is because I don't want my family to know that there might be something wrong with me. Like I have to act as normal as possible because I want to hide it from them. I have to because they already think that I'm lazy because when I am home, I usually just stay in my room and lay in my bed most of the time. My mom thinks I sleep 24/7 which actually isn't true but she thinks it is.

I'm questioning myself now because I thought that it was possible that I was a little depressed but apparently I might not be. Maybe it's all in my head and I'm just imagining it all. Like I made up that I felt sad and that I hate myself and that I was crying and hurting myself for no reason at all, really.

I really just want to be normal and it really makes me hate myself sometimes that I can't.

Sometimes I want to hurt myself and I don't know what to do anymore.

>> I've lived with depression for almost 50 years. I've worked, mostly happily, at the same place, for 30 years. I graduated from college, earned 2 Master's degrees, and am almost finished with a 3rd Master's degree. I raised a daughter pretty much on my own. The second T that you saw is full of it, imho, because a person can function well with depression. We are not "down" all the time. Take care. Cool

I have always functioned while depressed. Maintained a 4.0 in college despite depression. Have continuously worked full time as a teacher despite depression. I do have to say, I always could tell when I was beyond my usual chronic depression when I started having trouble functioning, trouble concentrating, more sleep issues, more anxiety. It has always been a matter of degree for me. I've spent most of my life functioning with a fairly constant degree of clinical depression, so much so that I simply learned to function through it because I didn't know there was anything different. But at times even that usual level of depression has increased to a much more severe, acute level that has caused me to become suicidal, require hospitalization, require meds and even ECT.

[JustShakey]

Second T is either in denial or totally clueless. I've been depressed my whole life and I didn't even know. I thought it was normal and I was just weird or defective for being so -bleh- on the inside - for always feeling like there were weights dragging on me. I've always been high functioning. As I told T, I prefer to be busy because it keeps me from falling into a black hole.
Therapy with an understanding and capable T has been... I didn't believe it was possible for me to be where I am now.
My T, btw, hasn't given me a diagnosis - though I was previously diagnosed with GAD, ADHD and moderate depression (he does say that he doesn't believe I have ADHD, but it's not important to me so I didn't press).
As a previous poster had mentioned, I would approach therapy with the desire to just feel better and not worry about diagnosis, unless you need it for insurance.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Maybe you are depressed, maybe not, but something is making you sad and unhappy. You seem to be a young person - setting out in life is often a difficult and stressful time. Are you able to discuss the things in your life that might be making you unhappy, with your Ts? Sometimes it can be hard to find the right words to describe how you feel - I find that once you can describe your feelings it is easier to investigate and counter them.