[Partless]

I'm feeling particularly lonely tonight and sorry for emotional nature of this post. I feel like I spent so many years of my life and made so many sacrifices to keep my family happy but also to get their approval, especially mom's. They did not seem particularly interested in me getting what I wanted or needed, and worse yet I also chose to forget about myself. And worst of all, I've come to the conclusion, with the help of my therapist, that not only what I did was not place or role, but also it did not make any difference at the end of the day. I felt devastated.

So when I had gone for therapy I had forgotten myself to the point I literally didn't know what I wanted to study, what kind of work I want to do, what types of friends I'd like in my life. My family was my project, my parents and my siblings, them I knew quite well. But here I am in my 30s and I feel totally alienated from the world. Many old friends are married or have careers, they have a large circle of friends, they have money, own a house, and then there's me. I feel like I've been living outside dimensions of time for the last couple of decades, when mental illness and family problems forced me to get sidelined.

I think sometimes during therapy I would feel especially lonely but I would not admit to it, but the way I would deal with it is I would forget about myself and try to be what my therapist wanted me to be. When I was younger I was quite religious and I would do what God wanted me to do, to the point of obsession. Being me never felt safe, was never enough for anybody, including myself. My relationships, including one with God, were covered with fear, fear of rejection, fear of being seen as "bad" or "wrong." I would not feel contained. I felt alone.

If I stopped having relations, I'd feel even more alone. Because every relationship, including with a new therapist, was another chance at this ideal of not being alone, of finding someone who really connected with me and made me feel totally safe. Yet all hopes were eventually disappointed. And I would quickly go back to being what people wanted me to be.

I remember one particularly painful discussion with a therapist about God, and she said maybe there is no personal God but God being universe itself with everything inside it, almost this idea of visible life as holy. I told her this makes me feel exceptionally lonely and then I started to cry. I told her if I talk to a frog, will he comfort me? Will a tree contain me? I said the cloud rains and the lion eats the zebra and the volcano erupts and none of these things have anything to do with me, and in reality are more likely to harm me than comfort me. Real world is not a Disney movie, it's cold and unforgiving and alone. I'm a stranger in a strange land.

Sorry if this sounds weird and needy but tonight I even wondered what if I never posted here again, would anybody know I was gone, would anybody care, some faceless name no longer posting, nobody would know, nobody would care, nobody would remember....

I just want to say, I can relate very very much to your pain and feelings of sheer insignificance, and "I don't matter. If I am gone, I will not be noticed".

I read it all and I'm sorry I don't have any comforting words.

[Daystrom]

Originally Posted by Partless

I'm feeling particularly lonely tonight and sorry for emotional nature of this post. I feel like I spent so many years of my life and made so many sacrifices to keep my family happy but also to get their approval, especially mom's. They did not seem particularly interested in me getting what I wanted or needed, and worse yet I also chose to forget about myself. And worst of all, I've come to the conclusion, with the help of my therapist, that not only what I did was not place or role, but also it did not make any difference at the end of the day. I felt devastated.

So when I had gone for therapy I had forgotten myself to the point I literally didn't know what I wanted to study, what kind of work I want to do, what types of friends I'd like in my life. My family was my project, my parents and my siblings, them I knew quite well. But here I am in my 30s and I feel totally alienated from the world. Many old friends are married or have careers, they have a large circle of friends, they have money, own a house, and then there's me. I feel like I've been living outside dimensions of time for the last couple of decades, when mental illness and family problems forced me to get sidelined.

I think sometimes during therapy I would feel especially lonely but I would not admit to it, but the way I would deal with it is I would forget about myself and try to be what my therapist wanted me to be. When I was younger I was quite religious and I would do what God wanted me to do, to the point of obsession. Being me never felt safe, was never enough for anybody, including myself. My relationships, including one with God, were covered with fear, fear of rejection, fear of being seen as "bad" or "wrong." I would not feel contained. I felt alone.

If I stopped having relations, I'd feel even more alone. Because every relationship, including with a new therapist, was another chance at this ideal of not being alone, of finding someone who really connected with me and made me feel totally safe. Yet all hopes were eventually disappointed. And I would quickly go back to being what people wanted me to be.

I remember one particularly painful discussion with a therapist about God, and she said maybe there is no personal God but God being universe itself with everything inside it, almost this idea of visible life as holy. I told her this makes me feel exceptionally lonely and then I started to cry. I told her if I talk to a frog, will he comfort me? Will a tree contain me? I said the cloud rains and the lion eats the zebra and the volcano erupts and none of these things have anything to do with me, and in reality are more likely to harm me than comfort me. Real world is not a Disney movie, it's cold and unforgiving and alone. I'm a stranger in a strange land.

Sorry if this sounds weird and needy but tonight I even wondered what if I never posted here again, would anybody know I was gone, would anybody care, some faceless name no longer posting, nobody would know, nobody would care, nobody would remember....

I feel much of what you do. The loneliness, the fear of being socially and materially surpassed by friends, the feelings of insignificance in a cold and ruthless world; these are all old companions to me.

Hang in there.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Loneliness is hard. And it's also hard to 'be what others want you to be' all the time. I can definitely relate to both these things. But what's even harder is learning to show and share your true self. To take a step back and realise who you are outside of the expectations of family members and your role in the family is a great challenge. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, but I've got a greater awareness of how my family and friends expectations impact on who I am and what I think I should do. I'm starting to try and find myself. That's lonely too.

I Think if a family doesn't allow room for all members of that family, than no one really knows anyone within that structure.
Loneliness I found was my companion growing up. Especially when with people.
Knowing oneself is a sensory thing. I've discovered things I like to do now through being allowed room To exist in therapy.
I can feel lonely still. But it's not unbearable. It comes it goes. Just like all life's emotions.
I divorced my foo. That was hard. I expected to only have feelings of hate toward them. I don't. But I can't have them in my life.

[coldnovemberrain]

I can completely relate to what you have wrote.
you are a great writer and i liked how you were able to put your feelings into words so well.
I am also in my 30s and have lived with trying to please and be accepted by my family to the point i studied what i didnt like..and followed every decision that was made on my behalf by my family. it has been 30 years of living someone elses life. i have not grown nor progressed. i am stuck somewhere and i can not get out of it. through therapy i have realized i dont owe anything to anyone. this has been a huge revelation to me and so much weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. i feel lighter but lonely with no purpose and direction. i am confused. i can not make a simple decision. i am married and i have chosen a husband who does exactly the same as my parents. very controling. and i did as he said when he said. the pattern continues. i am not sure if i can break free...if i can be strong enough...to live my true authentic self.
its a scary thought. who am i, really? what do i want? do i have anything to contribute?

[Petra5ed]

I feel some kind of pervasive core loneliness too. Spiritually I actually think the universe is god. I think that "god" might have been lonely and decided to conceive of "himself" as a bunch of separate consciousnesses to alleviate loneliness...

I think this always feeling lonely thing happens to those of us who had bad mothers. I also think it happens if you don't have enough authentic close relationships. Finally, I bet to some extent, it happens to everyone.