I dropped off some questions at my therapist's office today and she was in-between sessions and no one was waiting so I gave them to her personally.

I knelt down and pet her light brown english springer spaniel, while she was writing something and then she turned and saw me. (I guess that is usually how I approach people, wait for them to notice me, so that I'm sure I'm not really bothering them.) Not much really happened there. She was very nice, as was possible with the brief time, and said my beard was really bushy. I don't recall what I said, I think just "yeah". Then I ask her: when you have some leisure time, could you go through these questions.

I gave her several questions. They were basically "Yes/No" and "On a scale of 1 to 10..." questions, so that she can easily just read the questions and circle her answers. I'm not really an "active" client, at least that it how it seems in my mind, so I don't really want to trouble her with my questions.

But when she answers and sends them back, or go back to pick them up (which ever she feels more appropriate)...then I'll call her to work on making an appointment and potential return from my break. But it still isn't certain. the basic purpose of the questions I gave her are to help me gauge (1) our working relationship and (2) my therapy goals and how feasible it is for me to actually accomplish them.

The very last question I asked her in the list was: "Seriously, why do you care what happens to me?"

God, I miss her. It was the first time I laid my eyes on her in over 2 months.

I wasn't working today, so I was able to drop it off around 11 am. When I left I told myself, I should go to a movie to get my mind off missing her, to not dwell. I headed toward the movies but it was still about an hour and half before the first showing (I was going to see Spiderman 3). So I stopped off at the music store before hand and got some classical music. Then on the ride toward the movie theater itself, I was listening to my Sarah McLachlan CD.

I was listening to the song "Sweet Surrender" and played certain parts of the song over and over:

"You take me in
no questions asked
you strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me
are you an angel
am I already that gone
I only hope
that I won't disappoint you
when I'm down here
on my knees"

As I read the lyrics right now, I just think "wow", that is how I feel about my therapist.

And for some reason I played the "are you and angel" part over and over. Needless to say, I wasn't up to taking myself to the movie. I just went home.

[MissCharlotte]

Good luck Ipse. What you did was very brave.

If you miss her so much, why are you making her answer a survey?

Just go for it!

Thanks, sister.

I think I understand what you are saying. But I am "asking" her to answer some questions so that I can get a sense of things. I have at least a low grade level of Borderline Personality Disorder and I'm always in need of assurance.
And there are other reasons. If you knew all the questions...it might be easier to understand what I'm seeking.

It is a personal thing I guess. Plus, for me, I cannot personally justify returning just on the basis of "missing her". Though my therapist said just prior to the break that there may be several reasons I might want to come back and she literally mentioned "missing her" as one of the reasons. But I miss everyone and if that is the basis for returning to people, I'd always be returning to people...and most of them probably don't want me to return.

(probably a bit strong to say i am "making" her answer a survey though. i'm pretty sure i get you meant it as a playful push. it is sort of funny that you would use the word "making"...because I always blame myself for "making" people uncomforable by my very presence and "making" them hurt and all. it is a very deep issue in my therapy. but my therapist says "I can't make people react in certain ways. they react because of something in them." this was especially referred to people who are older than me. (And in one of the questions I gave her, I mentioned something specifically about that very notion of "making" people.)

i guess I shall see if how things go.