Talking to your therapist about uncomfortable things

how do i bring up embarrassing things to my therapist so that she can better help me to feel okay?

I try to leave most of the embarrassing things alone until they come up naturally in the course of a conversation. We all have things that embarrass us and part of my feeling better about myself was realizing that, that because I feel embarrassed about something does not mean I am bad or have done something bad or that the incident/experience is worthy of that much attention or discomfort. If you can reframe the actual experience/"story" so it also feels funny or you can find some anger at someone else who was there for not helping you or any other emotion around it and then tell the story, that can hold the embarrassment in check and water it down a bit so that your therapist's response to the story can (hopefully) bring yet another perspective and water it down more and help neutralize it.

If it is just a worry or thought or galactic idea like "sex" then I work to break it down some myself first and figure out what there is that can be shared? Fear is always about the future and we don't know the future. Fear is 99.9% imagination! It's not an actual experience? If you have had a bad experience, then the above story-telling to yourself to see what you've got is the first step. Maybe write it down and leave out all the judgments about it, the "should have done"/"shouldn't have done" stuff.

I look and see what I can learn from an experience and that makes it valuable to me and helps with the shame and embarrassment. I was in my early 30's and could not spend the night with a man, just sleeping in the same bed. I had to get up at 2:30-3:00 a.m. and drive myself home! No way was I ever going to get married at that rate? (wail :-) I cried all the way home and got myself to bed, alone, in my bed, but got to thinking about it and realized that all my "equipment" worked fine. I can respond, I do feel sexual desire and orgasm just fine, etc. So the problem had to be experience! I lacked education and practical experience and those things can be learned! I can be a student and I'd just had my first lesson which taught me where I was and what I needed. It could/would get better if I worked at it. And, yes, I was married to my husband (of 25 years now/living with him for 30+) within the next 5-10 years.

Many embarrassing things can keep because they are old experiences. In second grade I was too scared to raise my hand and say I had to use the bathroom and went to the bathroom in my pants and my teacher literally "sniffed" me out! It doesn't get much more embarrassing than that? But do I really need to tell my therapist at this moment or can it keep until I'm more comfortable talking to him/her or until something in life this moment would make telling that story helpful/a good idea? I've always had trouble around using restrooms or asking for something (to use the phone) and remember in therapy when my car wouldn't start after a session and I was forced to come back inside and ask to use their phone. Discussing that whole experience in the weeks afterward (my car failed again, on the drive home, and was in an accident and it was an evening I was hurrying home for my husband's company's Christmas party; I had to change to party clothes and get there and the time frame was already cramped without there being a major car accident that totaled my car!) I was able to discuss a bit not being able to ask to use T's bathroom (or a new job's for a week or so after I start it) and a really good, helpful set of sessions followed from it all.

If "everything" makes you uncomfortable, like it did me, then grab a handful and rank order them so a couple of the easier or more "ridiculous" ones are on the top? Find a real life incident to go with each (I was afraid to ride buses, afraid they would be annoyed when I rang the bell to get off, they wouldn't want to stop to let me off; I was afraid to pump gas a gas stations I didn't know/hadn't ever used; things like that). Having real experiences/stories to tell to go with embarrassing "things" can make it easier because you can sort of pretend it could be about anyone, it's just a story?

I just bring them up.... its hard and I'll say I don't want to talk about it but then he will bring up past conversations and I'll just open up. Its hard but totally worth the effort.

I've a hard time bringing up things I feel embarrassed about. Often I wait a long time until I finally bring it up. I keep procastinating until it bothers me so much that I have to talk about it. I sometimes write it in an email to T or I write it down and give it to her in session. By doing that it also got easier to tell it to her in person.

This probably sounds weird but I take in one of those squeeze toy things. Then when it gets to the difficult stuff my hands have something to do and I picture putting all my shame into the toy so I can get the words out.

I struggle with this too, I get embarrassed easily. I've found that can do it if I go in knowing I'm bringing this embarrassing thing up, tell myself what I have to get out and that it will only take seconds to do, I go in, take a deep breath, avert my eyes, and go for it. I usually dissociate, get dizzy and/or can't hear myself talk. But I do get it out. Afterwards, when I feel ashamed and embarrassed to have said it, I keep those feelings at bay by putting my embarrassment into perspective - a good response from t helps to do this - by reminding myself of all the things t must hear from other clients, that it's probably not the first time t has heard things along those lines and it won't be the last. I also try to hold on to the relief of being able to tell my t, someone who won't judge me harshly or see me as just that one thing, who is compassionate and tries hard to understand me as a whole.

I'm just writing this because maybe, just maybe, one of the tactics I use will be helpful to you.

I also wait until I am able to bring it up in the conversation. I don't plan to tell anything I am uncomfortable with. I think about it in my head but am never able to just bring it up. One day we had a scheduled 2 hour session as there was a lot going on and T wanted to schedule it for longer. I don't know how people regularly do 2 hour sessions. I was emotionally exhausted. That exhaustion did help though as I started a VERY difficult discussion that I thought I would never be able to bring up. Since then it ahs been a little easier.

After the first time, it does get a little easier.

It can also help if you choose NOT to look at your T while you say the embarrassing thing. but, after many years with my T, I tend to look directly at her while I say such things. But, lol, not always.

I've had more shameful stuff than embarrassing, and I have written things down for T to read. Usually I save up a whole lot then write a really long essay...then make T read it, to herself, while I squirm.
It's better for me. Sometimes she asks about things in the letter straight away, or talks about them but doesn't ask question, which is good. Sometimes she doesn't say anything. Which is also good!

Its hard for me to talk about something embarrassing. Once you have done it several times it gets easier. What really helps me is that no matter what I say to my T she has the same reaction. I would feel worse if she acted different to something embarrassing.

The first time is the hardest. Once T responds in a caring nonjudgemental way, it gets easier-a little.

I had difficulty opening up with my therapist. I wrote a letter to her so I could not chicken out.

I find staring at a nice spot on the floor can help. As can sending an e-mail before the session (or after one, as I did last week) to let her know something I couldn't bring up in session.

Another way is to share gradually. Like don't say it all at once. In talking to my T initially about feelings for my marriage counselor, which was one of the hardest things I"ve talked to her about for some reason, at first I just said sometimes I wished he could hold me. That was about all the further I got the first week. Didn't say much about the next week. Then the following week I was like, "OK, I need to talk about this more," and she was like "I figured that!"

It can also help to remember that they hear all kinds of things from their clients. When H and I were embarrassed talking about sex to MC (this was before any of the transference stuff came up!), he was like, "I'm a psychologist! I've heard everything!" I still stare at the floor when talking about anything sexual with him or my (female) T.

I brought something I couldn't say on the phone just so I didn't have to do eye contact or see a reaction. Did it during a phone session from my bed under covers

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This is true. In my case it was abuse so suffered and she was actually angry someone did that to me, not angry at me so this was also helpful

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Last session I went in wanting to essentially talk about how I'm attached to her and it's going to be extremely hard for me to leave therapy when I graduate from grad school next spring. I had every intention of starting the conversation with this topic but I couldn't do it so we talked about something else for awhile. At one point I changed the subject and told her that I was thinking about what it was going to be like when I graduate. I said the hardest thing to leave behind would be "this", meaning our once-a-week session together but she didn't bite on it. We talked more about how it was going to be for me leaving other people here and eventually I just got quiet and didn't have anything to say. By the time I really got it out, it was pretty much the end of the session so we decided to talk about it next week.

I feel like the only thing I got out of that session was the set-up for our conversation next week. It took me an hour but I finally got there and now I'm both excited and anxious to talk to her about it.

It can be really hard to say uncomfortable things but just spitting it out is sometimes the best way to do it so you don't regret it later. Of course, only if you're ready though.

Yeah, sometimes I have every intention of bringing up a difficult topic in a session, but then it doesn't happen. I've done the hinting thing, too, expecting her to ask me more about something and then she doesn't. But then that gives me a jumping off point for the next time, like, "So I thought you were going to ask me about x..." Other times, I'll do the whole, "there's something I want to talk about, but..." and hoping she'll draw it out of me. Which sometimes works.

Sounds like you needed this session to get ready to really talk about the attachment. Hope you're able to discuss it next time!