Touch

My T never admitted she was wrong, and I don't think she ever would. I think I might feel a lot better if she did. I'm not holding her feet to the fire at all. We are continuing with therapy as normal, and since this rupture, I have given her my biggest disclosures yet. So I think she's a happy T. I'm still dying inside, and trying to understand why. I have no one in my life I need to forgive. Except her. I've done my forgiving years ago. I've made peace with my demons.

As far as my T... I'm not rubbing her nose in it, she knows it's on my mind, but we have not talked about it lately. I think she feels like therapy is going very well. I think I'm stuck and not moving forward. I'm not sure what kind of push it's going to take, but I'm working on that part.

Don't you see that there's something wrong with this? Your therapy is about you, not her. You're not there to disclose painful history for her benefit. In fact, it's appears to be re-traumatizing you.

I'm so sorry. I just have a hard time watching you go through this. Could you contact TELL and at least talk to them about it?

The reason I'm talking about this now is because I have a break in therapy to really soul search. I try to tell myself this isn't a big deal, but my heart tells me different. I just can't trust her like I used to. Like y'all posted earlier, reassurance means little now. I just wish she would have talked to me about changing this boundary....so I wasn't left to figure it out for myself. Because I spend so much time waiting to figure something else out.....and over reading things, etc.

She made me feel safe, validated, cared about, just understood. I have a hard time feeling these things now. I know I need to feel safe in there in order to talk, if therapy is going to help me at all. Having had trust and rejection issues my whole life, it was just hard to feel that with my T, too, when things were going so well. Yes, it's hard to imagine not having her around. I have to weigh the pain of staying, and just hoping I learn to trust and connect again, which may not happen, with the pain of leaving, not having her around, but at least knowing the pain will eventually subside.

What is TELL?

Therapy Exploitation Link Line: TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line

Don't be put off by the name, though, if you think what's happening doesn't fit your situation (I definitely think so, but I know it can be hard to accept that other people are taking advantage or causing harm when you care for and are attached to the person/therapist).

They clearly state: No matter why you have come to this site, we will do everything we can to help.

This entry might speak to you, it's called Guilt:http://www.therapyabuse.org/t2-guilt.htm

Whatever the scenario, the responsibility to set and maintain safe boundaries in a therapeutic or power imbalanced setting was not, is not, and never will be yours.

I am so sorry you are suffering from this.

Seems like a lot of emotional extortion to me.

It would be good if she (T) could admit she made some mistakes. People are human. We all make mistakes- even knowledgeable T's make gigantic mistakes. You might be able to work through this together if she could admit her mistakes. But she won't. Maybe she won't out of fear it would strengthen a lawsuit or a report to her licensing agency. Maybe she won't because she is stubborn. Maybe she won't because she doesn't feel she did anything wrong.

That's where you are, I think.

You don't want to leave her.

Have you given any more thought about getting a consult..a second opinion from another T?

I'm thinking of you.

Thanks Pre... I really agree, of course we all make mistakes, and Ts are just as human as the rest of us. If she would admit it, I really think I could get over it. I think, since she's not, it's me, beating up on me, for feeling like me. Ya know? I try to minimize it.... but it's not minimized inside...

Yeah, I've considered it. I haven't looked into if my insurance will pay.
I've considered quitting
I've considered staying

I don't think any of them are easy choices....

Could you please remind me what has gone well with her?

Thanks!

She's helped me open up. I speak for myself IRL where I didn't before. If someone pisses me off, I SAY IT! I've never been that kind of person. That is one way therapy has sure helped me. She helped me cry, when I never let myself. We have a lot in common, so she knows just what to bring up if I need a break....and she knows when I need a break without asking. I've learned to know what she's going to say before she says it...which even prompted me once to tell her perhaps I didn't need her anymore if I can answer my own questions in the way she would. Knowing the answer though, and implementing them, are two different things.

She has made herself available to me whenever I need. We nearly lost my foster mom last fall, and I was making trips back and forth (5 hours one way) to see her in ICU. My T was always texting or Emailing, checking in, really made me feel like she cared. One night I was up there, and I was just losing it. I sent her an Email around midnight. An hour later, from the other side of the world, I got a supportive Email back from her. That really helped me to know I wasn't alone then. She has kept me on the schedule when she's had a day where she had to cancel, knowing I needed my session. I didn't find out until months later that she did that. She waived my copay, knowing we were struggling to make ends meet, which is money that doesn't go into her pocket.

There is a lot she has done that has really helped me through this process, especially the first 6-9 months... we were quite connected and I just knew without a doubt that she really cared. I know this job isn't just a paycheck to her. I can tell, through the pain I feel, that she really screwed me up with this issue, but I also can't let go of all of the good things she has done to help me. I know she always has what she thinks is in my best interest in mind. Only thing is, sometimes I think she's wrong about what she thinks is in my best interest. I read this in an article recently. The part that got me is how therapists tend to make the biggest mistakes with the clients they care about the most. I know she cares. It's been genuine since day one. And deep down, I do hope she feels some regret for how she handled things....but if she does, if I were to hear it, I would feel much better. I guess I want to feel validated by her. But, we don't agree....so I don't see that coming. Anyway, here's the quote.

I do know in a general way that therapists have genuine feelings for their clients; and sometimes this leads them to let a client build up a tab that eventually becomes untenable for both the therapist and the therapeutic relationship. (I’ve always cautioned my supervisees that we tend to make our biggest mistakes with the clients we care about the most.)

I don't know whose quote this is, but I don't think it's true across the board. I will ask my therapist if it is. Based on how she is with me, it seems more like she is extra careful not to mess me up with her own agenda or ego because she cares. She also has her own therapy, despite practicing for over 20 years, so I know she's looking after herself and not using clients to fulfill her own needs.

Anyway, I will ask her about this. She's been great about answering questions I have about the dangers of attachment.

I would not excuse great mistakes because I thought it meant the therapist cared more - that would piss me off to no end.

"we tend to make our biggest mistakes with the clients we care about the most.)"

I could see this. Because if a T really cares about a client, they might be more willing to break boundaries to help them. Then realize, whoops, I shouldn't have broken that boundary.

Like with my marriage counselor. I'm pretty sure he cares at least a fair amount about me. He offered me something--to have his door open at any time to me to see him individually--then realized immediately after that it was a mistake. I just didn't find that out until a few months later when I tried to go through that door--and was extremely hurt to find out it was no longer open. He said it was a boundary thing, with me being in marriage counseling with him with my H, plus being in individual counseling with his colleague. He's apparently still OK with talking on the phone with me on occasion if I'm upset/worried about something and with e-mailing, which could also be seen as boundary crossing (because it's between just me and him, not including my H). If he takes that away, then I'd also be hurt.

That's how I feel about that quote. My T has set aside her boundaries for me, in what she said was "my best interest," and I think she just felt too comfortable. I am very important to her. She's told me that, and I feel it. She is important to me also, but I try not to let it show. But that's also why I have such a hard time leaving.

The metaphor I use for telling my T how the touch (and fear of having it taken away) feels is 'the trap'. When we touch and I let myself be vulnerable it's like I'm standing on the gallows with the rope around my neck, and T had his hand on the lever. If he suddenly reset boundaries, it would be live opening the trap door beneath my feet....I'll see if I can find the picture....I struggle with words.

I wonder if there has been anyone in your past whose affection you would do anything and put up with anything to get? Because love or respect doesn't look like this. You can be important to someone and still be treated well and have your opinion matter. Actually, that's the way it works in a healthy relationship.

Wow Jessica Hazlitt! Well done!

I agree! Well done!