CBT and Emotional Neglect

I got a referral to a therapist, and have been seeing her for less than a month. I want to make it work, or at least give it the best chance. What I really need is someone to listen compassionately, and help me work through my feelings. The last year has been really terrible, my present situation is daunting, and I need help because about a year ago I realized that I didn't get the sort of love and affection I needed as a child. The last part has been the source of a lot of struggles in my life. The problem is that my therapist makes me feel the same way as my mom. I also have a serious chronic illness / disability that is a major challenge.

Basically she's doing CBT, so when I tell her I feel a certain way, she challenges my thinking about it which makes me feel like she's invalidating the way I feel. That's what my mom has always done. Obviously I don't pretended to be perfectly objective, but my thinking is not the problem. In general I'm a very rational person, and can see two sides of an issue. The problem is that I have been suffering my whole life alone and need compassion and support. I don't need my thinking "fixed". I'm open to practical suggestions to hep me function better, but coping and getting on with things is all I have ever done. It's more of the same.

Is there a good way to bring this up. It may be that I need to see someone else, but I want to try first. I'm not very good at conversations like this.

Sounds like you're not a good candidate for CBT. There's nothing wrong with you, it's not everyone.

I think CBT is useful in challenging very specific types of thoughts- namely thought distortions. It seems like some Ts don't make distinctions and try to counter every negative thought clients have, which isn't the point. Can you talk to your T and tell her that you understand what she's trying to do but that it's not helping and makes you feel invalidated. If she's competent at CBT she should be willing to work with you and adapt her style a little so she can be useful.

You should look into ACT therapy. My outpatient clinical psychologist at the hospital says it works much better for people with real trauma. It involves acknowledging that it actually happened and it was genuinely really bad, but finding a way to cope with and live with it anyway.

Both she and my pdoc say that for people with real abuse/trauma/bad situations, CBT doesn't really work very well for a lot of people. Because no matter how much you reframe horrible things, they are still horrible. You have to be in a certain place for CBT to work for a lot of people. I was/am not there.

In my understanding CBT working more with learning strategies and changing ones behaviors. Not as much for dealing with traumas. My BF did CBT for years on and off. He goes back to it when he feels he needs some readjustment. He loves CBT. He does it to manage his ocd and tourettes. It is specifically managing behaviors like when he feels XYZ is coming he needs to do ABC to prevent XYZ. Etc

On the other hand when he felt he needed therapy dealing with emotions like grief or divorce he went to see someone else as CBT isn't good for that.

You might look into findining different therapists

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I hate CBT. You probably need a therapist who knows about and works with attachment issues and stuff.

CBT skills are great if you need them to counteract thinking patterns that are regularly impacting your life, feelings, and behaviors, but if that isn't what you need, certainly go to a different type of therapist if this one seems married to CBT only. I've always had T's who work very eclectically so they adjusted their approach depending on what I needed at the time. Sometimes it was CBT; other times it was more psychodynamic, etc. I'm not a big fan of T's who only work from one therapeutic modality.

^This. I hate it when they get too into following one modality like it's a direct science.

I think my main difficulty with CBT is that the underlying assumption is that the only problem of interest lies with the client. It's true that you can't change anyone else and you can't magic away big societal problems, you can only work on yourself. But working on yourself can mean many things. A therapist can work with you to help you build resilience and self-compassion rather than teach you that your thoughts are the problem and need to be corrected. I also need a kind of gentleness and compassion in therapy that I've never found in CBT.

CBT is more focused on changing behaviors or self sabotaging thinking and works very well with specific issues like eating disorders, anger management, assertiveness training and phobias. For more complex issues like trauma then I think it wouldbt be very helpful.

I just watched an interview with Bessel van der Kolk, PhD, on the effects childhood neglect, trauma, and attachment issues have on us in adulthood. He claims research shows that the best results for change with these adults is with a psychotherapist who offers touch, can listen intently, and can teach you mindfulness meditation and most importantly self-compassion. Just thought I'd pass that along, for what it may be worth.

From my experience CBT was as good as useless.
I chose to do psychoanalytic therapy.
My deep wounds needed a deeper investigation.

CBT, or more specifically DBT, actually did more harm than good for me. I found it re-traumatizing.

When I was inpatient the clinic had a DBT programm specifically adapted for people with depression. Having my thoughts and feelings challenged all the time just sent me even further down the spiral. It was far too close to the things I experienced when I was younger. Coming from a rather strict fundamentalist christian background this was far too triggering, it was just more of the same what I had experienced in childhood: I am wrong, my thoughts/emotions are wrong...
Felt like brainwashing all over again.

My biggest grievance was that my inpatient T and other folks there just wouldn't listen to me. I tried to tell them what I needed at the time, but they would just dismiss it.

There were elements that I found could have been helpful, if applied in a different context. At the time I desperately needed skills for stabilization, self-soothing etc. that was one reason why I chose this clinic over others in question.

But since I felt totally dismissed on all levels, I just wasn't in a place to work on those aspects. My perception was that all that I needed at the time was some acknowledgement: This happened and that's how you experienced it. And to be allowed to be sad about it, to grieve what I missed, to be angry. To have someone at my side to help me through it, to support me.

And then I might have been at a place to have a look at my thought patterns, to work strategically on how I assess situations/emotions etc.

But since all folks in this inpatient place seemed totally unable to deviate from the script and to look at the individual and what s/he needed, I'm quite sceptical toward those modular approaches to therapy. It seems to me that a lot of Ts just follow "the rules" and expect their clients to do the same... Which in most cases isn't helpful at all.

I've had CBT so many times. It's okay for what I csll "surface issues" but for past trauma, no. And finally after all these years, I'm only just starting to open those boxes.

Where can I see this interview?

I also have childhood emotional neglect and see a T. who is a psychotherapist. We dig down into how I felt as a child and how those feelings are affecting current relationships/thought patterns.

Have you read the book Running On Empty? It's a great book written by a T. who came up with the diagnosis Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). She talks about how many people who have it can't say what really went wrong in their childhood because it's not what went wrong - it's what never happened. Not only does she discuss ways in which a T. can help, but she also talks about self help.

I found cbt to be harmful. I will never do it again.

I watched it in one of my MSW classes. I was unable to find the same interview on YouTube or anything else. Sorry.

If you're looking at alternatives (as it sounds like maybe you should be), I'm doing psychodynamic psychotherapy for a similar issue and find it very helpful.

Cbt was not useful for me. I found one particular time she challenged my thinking while I was going through a tough diagnosis of an illness. I told her that if I want to be angry, sad, self pitying or happy then it was my right to be any of those things. She agreed and at that time just listened with compassion. That was more helpful than any Cbt **** that came before or after.

Schema therapy seems to be a good match for trauma, unfortunately I don't think its widely done yet.

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Thank you all for your helpful comments and suggestions. I changed course with her yesterday. I'll start another thread, but will ask here as well...

Basically, I'm at the limit of my ability to cope with my life situation right now. I was really looking forward to therapy because I just don't have any support. I wanted a shoulder to cry on (crying literally, shoulder figuratively). It's embarrassing, but what I really want is a compassionate mother or girlfriend. I know my T can't be that, but I'm not sure what she is or is supposed to be. I'm feeling like maybe I just don't connect with her very well. She says the "right" things, but it seems artificial. I told her some things yesterday that I figured would be a big deal, but it ended up kind of bland. There were moments when I felt like we were connecting, but I get the impression that for whatever reason I bother her. (Not in a paranoid way.)

I'm new to this. Am I just looking for the wrong things?

Do you feel your T. reacts to you like one of your parents did when you were a child? That's the first thing that popped into my head. Sometimes our T. will be so similar to a parent that you will find yourself reacting to them that way or expecting them to react a certain way. It's called transference. I think you would benefit talking to her about it. If it's the transference, it's a great and painful process to go through. Perhaps you also (to a lesser degree) feel this way with other people?

Yes, her reactions do somewhat remind me of my mom. I can bring that up. I do sometimes feel like I annoy other people, but it's something particular to her. I have seen a few psychologists informally at college, or for a few sessions, but haven't really done committed therapy before. She seems very distant by comparison. I get the distinct impression she is uncomfortable with me or my emotions. If I were not in a therapist's office I would be sure of it. I don't know what's going on, or how I'm supposed to respond.

I suggest that CBT is about getting an insight into yourself. That can be very hard but be kind and understanding to yourself.