[fadedstar]

So last time T and I weren't on the same page for half the session, she thought my recent bad weekend was due to situational stressors when it was due to basically What we called pandora'a box being opened. I had printed out and given her a large envelope detailing fears, some of the trauma experiences (especially the major ones) and told her because my job situation had stabilized we could start going into that but not that night, as I had to be somewhere and present immediately after.

She understood said she'd read it and to keep writing things and bringing them in because I tend to go mute when I'm upset. I'm positive she will read it but of course now that she'll know the details she's really not going to let me avoid dealing with it not long term anyway, and just the thought of having to talk about it is terrifying.

To make matters worse, I visited some family this weekend and got severely triggered so I ended up calling and leaving her a voicemail asking if it'd be possible to have a session before Wednesday. I can't go into details much here but the only family member I have really left is a self destructive alcoholic.

I know she'll call me back when she's in the office as she always does and will at least spend a few minutes on the phone with me if she can't fit me in before Wednesday but this next session is going to hurt so much.

So I'm definitely starting to worry. I do trust my T, which is a weird concept for me but now that she knows every one of my "coping" mechanisms (I went into my issues with food in the envelope), this is going to be doubly tough.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Perna]

It sounds like you have a lot of anticipatory anxiety. We can't know what is going to happen until we are actually there, in the moment and checking with the other person. Worry is about the future, which we can't know, so you might as well practice using your imagination to think of pleasant alternatives as the scary ones? It can take a couple of experiences where T is really helpful to get enough to counteract worries about negative things going to happen but when you get one where T does something good when you expected bad, hang on to that reality/experience and its story so you can help yourself not worry so much later.

[laxer12]

I echo what Perna says. For me, when I start to worry, it's always because I'm imagining a negative outcome of something in the future. However, I don't know if it will be negative or positive, I just default to the negative prediction.

Imagine what it would be like if the conversation went really well. I'm not trying to say that if you think it will be easy, it will be, but what would the session look like and how would you feel after if it went well?

[fadedstar]

I definitely tend to go negative in terms of thoughts. It's just that I guess I've opened up so much lately that alone scares me. Vulnerability is a really really uncomfortable thing for me

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk