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#1
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TW based on general theme of trauma
I’ve posted intermittently about the ongoing trauma work I’ve been doing. I took half a Xanax (and disclosed to T) and finally got up the courage to tell her the worst of it yesterday. Once I started, it all came out in a tumble of words and I was a bit annoyed when she broke in to do her therapy stuff ![]() She said, “It sounds like you adapted to [him] to survive. Given the horror of what you’ve endured over such a long time [18 months], I’m not surprised that you suffered from Stockholm syndrome.” I’m old enough to remember the incident, and Patty Hearst not only adapted to the bank robbers ways, she became one of them. But when she first said it, I wasn’t thinking – just talking. I told her I would probably panic and call her 500 times in my head. She smiled and said she knew, and I could call IRL too. Then she gave me the hug I asked for and said she was proud of me. After leaving the building, I freaked out a bit and found myself hiding behind a trash can 40 minutes after the session ended. ![]() When I later checked Dr. Google, this is what it said, “Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.” I NEVER had any positive feelings for the monster who nearly destroyed my life. The things he and his friends did were (until yesterday, I guess) unspeakable. But I guess by enduring it for so long, I did defend him. It’s my fault if others were also tortured. But for one time when the fire department came, I had never screamed or brought attention to myself and even then I said I was fine. If I had, maybe he’d have been locked up and unable to hurt others. Well, I did scream at the last incident. Like the telling of my story, once I started to scream, I kept doing it for a long time. She asked if I had ever thanked my rescuer and I was horrified. I said, “No! I was too humiliated.” I never even saw who it was – man, woman or alien. Neither did I ever see the monster again. I have no idea what happened to him, though he lives in my head. I’ve never remembered his last name, and my attempts to find him in the alumni office have so far failed. She asked what I wanted to do or know … in a perfect world. I couldn’t think of anything to say. She said, “I hope he’s in prison or a graveyard.” I have no memory of talking to police, going to court or anything like that. What if he’s been serially attacking others for all this time? Damn Stockholm syndrome. Why did I have to keep quiet?!! Has anyone else’s T helped them feel better about this? Please help me. Last edited by ShaggyChic_1201; Sep 03, 2015 at 03:06 PM. Reason: added space |
![]() growlycat, junkDNA, unaluna
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#2
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Quote:
Possible trigger:
my T was very patient with me throughout that process. he would always remind me that my relationship with former T had a power differential, which means the nature of the therapeutic relationship is not equal. that he took advantage of me. that it wasnt my fault. etc. through therapy i have come a long way with this issue. i hope your therapy can help you with this. i know its hard. ![]()
__________________
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![]() precaryous, ShaggyChic_1201
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![]() ShaggyChic_1201
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#3
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((SC)) if, indeed, you had "Stockholm syndrome" it wouldn't mean it was your fault. It would mean the opposite. As you said, you adapted to stay alive. Also, people may stay in similar situations because it is familiar...it may be bad, but it's familiar. There are countless other reasons you may have defended him and told the fireman you were fine. You may have numbed out...there are many other possibilities.
IMO, it is difficult to look back and think, "If I had only ____." As hard as it might be to think about, it was not your responsibility to remember his name or try to find him to prosecute him. You had enough to do to get over the shock, figure out what happened to you and recover. You are still healing. Even if you knew his name today, you may not be in a place where pursuing him would be in your best interest. I have been in a similar position. A year went by from the time I was assaulted to the time the perp was arrested for doing something similar to someone else. I was not ready or in any physical or mental state to report him until the moment I actually read about his arrest in the newspaper. You have a good heart to think about this. You are still recovering. You will work this out. I wish you the best. |
![]() ShaggyChic_1201
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![]() ShaggyChic_1201
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#4
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Your therapist may have been referring to the way that a person identifies with and takes on the abuser/kidnapper's view of how worthless/hopeless/undeserving she (the captive) is. You don't have to say positive things about the abuser to have this term come up. If you adopted his beliefs about you and your situation, then that's what this is referring to. (I think.) Telling a potential rescuer that you are fine fits with this--it's aligning with the captor's worldview and power.
It sounds like you're doubting your therapist because of what you read on google? I would definitely tell her how you're processing the things she's said. |
![]() ShaggyChic_1201
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#5
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I can't understand how, if I hated him so much, and I did hate him, I still didn't have the courage to turn him in.
Possible trigger:
Precaryous, I agree with your assessment that it's better to deal with the devil you know, and I did that with my also-abusive ex. In that case, I did defend him and protect him, but that was years after these incidents occurred. For some reason, I can understand why I stayed with him. He was charming and manipulative and crazy as a loon, in such a way that I was always confused whether Dr. Jeckyll or Mr. Hyde would show up. Like gamblers, I stayed becuase the next hand could be the winner (or the next interaction could be wonderful). But that wasn't the case with the monster. He was scary crazy and everyone knew it. None of this makes any sense and I'm feeling horrified at what I've done and let happen. |
![]() precaryous
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#6
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I don't know the answers to your questions under the TW but, is it possible you didn't do either of these things because you were overwhelmed?
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![]() ShaggyChic_1201
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#7
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Quote:
I'm a mess of feelings. Wah ![]() |
![]() junkDNA, precaryous
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#8
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What you said makes much more sense to me. THANK YOU. ![]() ![]() I don't doubt what T said, I just didn't understand it all the way. And in my sick way, if there's room for doubt, I blame myself. She used the word align, which is more like what you're saying. |
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