[dj315]

I haven't seen a T in over 3 months now. I saw one at my university's counseling center for about 2 years, but he's not going to be hired by them again this school year. I had two (well, actually three) options: I could continue on with a different therapist at my school, or I could come to his private practice if I wanted. And of course--and this is the current plan--I can just stop therapy altogether. I went through the mourning phase of losing that support I had for so long and everything, but things were fine and dandy this summer. I was out of the country almost the whole time, and my anxiety and other issues were very under control.

But then I came home, and it all hit like a tidal wave. Home kinda really sucks (angry and abusive dad/probably depressed mom problems) and I had all those reverse culture shock and major jet lag issues that made me feel completely out of whack. I was having so much trouble and feeling so crazy that I emailed my former T since he told me I could keep in contact as much as I needed. I just needed that rational voice...Every time I start to come undone, I remember the times in my life that I actually came close to not being able to function, and it scares me. I guess when you grow up so anxious all the time it takes awhile to rewire yourself, so you should expect "relapses". I just don't know if running to my T is a good solution to when I start feeling crazy...He won't be there forever. And now that I'm having problems again, I'm starting to think about asking to see my T again at his private practice...But I'm afraid that relying on talking through things with him isn't healthy and that I need to start working through these things myself. But I also think that undoing unhealthy emotions, behaviors, and thought processes that were so ingrained in you for 19 years take longer than 2 years (and a lot of that time learning to trust a T, taking steps backwards with the trust process, dealing with shame "hangovers", etc.) to work through.

Sound conflicting enough?

So when is it time to step away from therapy and "spread your own wings", so to speak? I know there's not a timetable, but where in the process is it needed to get away from that support of having a T to talk things through with?

Side note: I want to clarify that I never became dependent on my T, nor did he ever encourage that I do so. Becoming dependent is the thing I'm afraid of, hence my conflicting emotions about the whole therapy thing.

[Leah123]

Keep in mind that people with healthy parents have that reliance naturally, and young adults turn to their parents a lot in many cases, some for their entire lives.

So I think what is really not normal here (and I'm sad for you about this, it's true for me too) is that you don't have parents to rely on, so I see nothing wrong with turning to a good therapist to be a mentor and help you with tough things.

I think "over-reliant" is rare and would happen if you could not hold down a job, not do school, not have any other relationships, not take care of yourself (feeding, bathing, medical care, etc.) all because you refused to be at all independent from your therapist, or you couldn't make any decisions without them. It sounds like you've done school and traveled, which is great, so I don't see that over-reliance one bit. Like you mentioned, I think it's more your fear of overreliance than it really happening, and that might be because your parents aren't reliable like they should be.

I agree with what Leah said. I also think that college is a stressful time in general, and that it's perfectly natural to want to see your therapist right now. In fact, it sounds like a very sensible idea.

[Bipolar Warrior]

To me it sounds like you are way too harsh on yourself. We all need help sometimes, and that includes professional help. Your therapist is someone who is qualified to help you work through the things you are struggling with, and to help you cope with overwhelming feelings. That doesn't mean you "rely" on your therapist for everything.

As for when you should quit therapy, that is a very individual thing, but I think it is important to feel like you can stay with a therapist for as long as it feels beneficial to you. If you feel like the therapy is working, that's a good thing, and it doesn't make you weak or dependent or any of those things. In fact, I believe that asking for help is sometimes the hardest thing a person can do; it was hard for me, and scary as hell, but I feel so much stronger from having done so. Asking for help is a personal victory, in my opinion, especially because we often expect way too much from ourselves. We feel like we should be able to handle everything on our own, but we can't, and you wouldn't expect the people you care about to do that, would you? So why do you expect yourself to?

My therapist always tells me to be kind to myself, and now I am going to pass that message onto you. Be kind to yourself.

[dj315]

Thank you guys. I mean it.

My therapist always tells me to be kind to myself, and now I am going to pass that message onto you. Be kind to yourself.

Especially for that.

You dont sound dependent or at risk for dependence...

And this is coming from someone who has always been dependent on them. At one point I had 3!!!

I am just going to start off every new professional relationship with explaining my history and fear of abandonment and dependency/enmeshment.