[Soccer mom]

I'd like your opinions. As most of you know, my T. mentioned referring me for the second time in 4 months due to my transference. Something triggered me which I connected to me wanting a mom. But, instead of focusing on that, she focused on the part that was triggering that involved her and someone I know seeing her. She even asked me what I want in a T.

So, I decided to "take back my life" and take a break. I had only gone to see my therapist a few times a year before my mom died and then the transference hit. I take a lot personally, have a hard time trusting, worry she's going to leave me and have had a difficult time. She's very stubborn and I'm questioning if her personality is good for me due to the transference. I think we were fine as long as feelings weren't involved. Unfortunately I can't find anyone experienced in transference but maybe I wouldn't need that if the relationship was totally different.

I have a session Monday and 2 in September. One is 3 weeks after Monday and then another 2 weeks. My original plan was to skip the next two sessions. I need to step back and get a clear picture of what is going on, what I want and what I need. I can't see what I need if I'm seeing her. I planned to text her later this week and say I can't come on Monday. I have never missed a session. Then, do it again for the next session.

I don't want to tell her my plan because I want to do this by myself. I don't want the pressure of following through. But, a small part of me thinks I need to tell her that I'm taking a break and want to cancel my next session. Why? I have a habit of pushing people away when they hurt me and I don't want her thinking that's the reason I'm cancelling. yes, I could lie but she may ask about rescheduling it and I wouldn't want to.

And, then a part of me wonders if I'm just delaying the inevitable. I'm hoping that a break calms us both down but, most importantly, I get clarity. If I can make it ok the next 7 weeks, then I won't feel like I need therapy. I'm not sure I want my break to be forced by her (referral) and then I feel like I can't make it without therapy at all. And, maybe I'll process losing her a little during this time so the actual referral won't be so painful. I haven't been as upset as I had thought. Either I've felt like things weren't right the whole time or I'm not completely processing it because it really hasn't happened.

I've put away my books and am just processing as things happen. I'm also writing in a journal to see how I do over the next several weeks.

[Perna]

You do not have to have a reason for cancelling sessions. I do not think it is a good idea; you cannot work on a relationship by yourself, what you think or feel someone else will think or feel is not what they think or feel! Only they can tell you what is going on on their side. If you want to take a break though, just call her office and cancel your future appointments and tell her you will be in touch if you decide you want to return. If she asks "why" you say you want a break to work on some things on your own and you thank her and say "I'll be in touch" and hang up. What she thinks is what she thinks; you cannot have any effect on that, it's hers.

I think your plan seems a good one, especially as it seems to feel right to you - you said you feel calm about the decision you've made. I don't think you need to concern yourself with what your T thinks about it, just get on and do it if you want to. You don't need to explain anything. You could send her a note afterwoods e planning if you wished. Your plan sounds like it puts you in control, which I think is a good thing, therapy can leave us a bit powerless at times I think. When I left T1 I always had the option of going back to do an ending if I wanted, I think that was helpful to me.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I think your plan seems a good one, especially as it seems to feel right to you - you said you feel calm about the decision you've made. I don't think you need to concern yourself with what your T thinks about it, just get on and do it if you want to. You don't need to explain anything. You could send her a note afterwoods e planning if you wished. Your plan sounds like it puts you in control, which I think is a good thing, therapy can leave us a bit powerless at times I think. When I left T1 I always had the option of going back to do an ending if I wanted, I think that was helpful to me.

Why didn't you do an ending? I think I dread it because of feelings it may bring up and worried I will feel like she's in control. I feel like if I leave on my own, it's not termination or abandonment. It's just me making a decision that it isn't a good fit. I feel like that's a lot healthier. The last thing I said to her was to give me a second chance. I hate that I even said it - I don't act that way outside of therapy. It's like I had lost myself.

I'm worried I'm calm because it really hasn't happened. I guess only time will tell.

I didn't do an ending because as my therapy progressed with her I felt worse and worse and got to the point where I couldn't go on, the final week I hit rock bottom and knew I just had to stop.

I feel some similarity to you in my situation - my life is actually pretty good, it was therapy that was hard. I also never talked about the good things with that T, somehow my therapy with her drew out the negative.

Therapy with my new T is a really different thing.

[Soccer mom]

I have felt like such a child lately that I think I want her to realize that this decision is a mature one, not from a kid pushing away someone out of anger.

[Gavinandnikki]

I really think you should tell her why you are canceling. You are not following a habit of pushing people away. You have decided that this is the best choice for you, and then you do it.

It's not as if you haven't thought it through thoroughly, right?

If you have a standing appointment, you probably do need to let her know you are taking a break for couple of months and that you'll get back to her when you are ready to return. I don't know that you have to explain why you are taking a break, but it would be courteous to let her know she has that time slot open for other clients if she needs it.

I never had standing appointments, so when I took a break I just took a break. No explanation necessary. I called back when I was ready to return and made an appointment.

About 7 months ago, I was in a place where I was struggling with therapy and my thoughts about it - more than any of my "issues". My therapist (who was fairly new at that point) told me that rather than terminate, I was certainly "allowed" to take a break - she would be there when I was ready. I took a one month break and it was really good for me. In the end, it helped me determine that she wasn't the therapist I needed and that I was in control of what I wanted to achieve in therapy and how to best define that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, rather than just fade away...maybe consider telling her you are taking a break to assess what your goals are and whether or not she is the best therapist for you to reach those goals. I think that will help with you understanding that you really are in control of the process and also let her know that you aren't just "ghosting" (which will also help you).

[Fuzzybear]

[Soccer mom]

I have three sessions scheduled. One Monday and 2 in September. I was going to cancel the first two as they get close and keep the last one.
I now plan to send her a text that I need to cancel my session Monday. I have had a lot of realizations and need more time to process.
And that's the truth.
She's already asked me what I want in a T so I know that will be the end result. So now I have to decide whether to transfer or stop completely. Hopefully time will tell.

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[Lauliza]

I think it might be best to cancel this nest one and wait to see how you feel before you cancel the rest. I sense that you will be fine without therapy and it is letting go that will be the hardest part. Sometimes therapy can create problems for clients who don't really "need" it much to begin with (or anymore). When you stop working on your own stuff and the therapeutic relationship becomes the central issue, I think it's time to stop.

[JaneTennison1]

it's like swimming when your feet don't touch the bottom. At first you panic and then you realise you can swim perfectly well. You will benefit from a break I'm sure. However you take a break it's a good plan.

[feralkittymom]

IDK. I just don't see therapy in which manageable transference has become an issue as able to be so neatly compartmentalized as to separate the therapy from the presenting issues. To me they are interwoven and (assuming the T is willing and capable), the way out is through. Walking away may short circuit the present concerns, but I don't see how it is the same as healing. But it really is dependent upon having a T who will not allow the therapy to become unfocussed and unbalanced. Only you can know whether your T has that ability within your relationship.

[Soccer mom]

I'm not sure I have a choice to stay. She is too much like my mom so it feels like the transference keeps going. I need validation/sympathy and reassurance and I'm not getting it. Therefore I seek it more. Perhaps she will have a change of mind now that I've realized a lot but I'm not sure it's healthy to stay. I live in a small town and there aren't many capable of dealing with it. I know the issues it presented so I know what to work on with the next therapist if I don't have it with them.

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[ruh roh]

I think it's a good idea to cancel the next one, and (as you've said) let her know that you've had some realizations that you need to process. That's honest and makes a lot of sense. Then you've got time to reassess.

I completely understand wanting to avoid having her flip the switch on your therapy and end things. She does sound uncomfortable or unwilling to deal with the real issue you're having that she represents to you. So if she sees you trying to assess things for yourself, that might help put her on referral notions on pause. I think it's more important for you to feel in control of yourself in this situation, and if it somehow remedies a past hurt, when you didn't feel in control with your own mother, then yay you! That doesn't mean you won't seek therapy with another at some point, but if this one isn't working, then you can still walk away with something worthwhile by the way you leave.

I hope that makes some sense.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I think it's a good idea to cancel the next one, and (as you've said) let her know that you've had some realizations that you need to process. That's honest and makes a lot of sense. Then you've got time to reassess.

I completely understand wanting to avoid having her flip the switch on your therapy and end things. She does sound uncomfortable or unwilling to deal with the real issue you're having that she represents to you. So if she sees you trying to assess things for yourself, that might help put her on referral notions on pause. I think it's more important for you to feel in control of yourself in this situation, and if it somehow remedies a past hurt, when you didn't feel in control with your own mother, then yay you! That doesn't mean you won't seek therapy with another at some point, but if this one isn't working, then you can still walk away with something worthwhile by the way you leave.

I hope that makes some sense.

Yeah, what ruh roh said. I agree that you should just cancel the next one for now, but also let your T know why you're doing it. Since you've already discussed referral/termination, if you just cancel without mentioning rescheduling, she'll likely suspect that anyway. You don't need to say you're thinking of terminating entirely, just that you need a break for a few weeks.

And I also get you wanting to be in control of when and how things end. Plus, from what you've said, it sounds like her approach (and maybe personality?) might not be quite right for you. I know you said you have few options where you are, but taking a step back could help you figure out if you need to pursue other possibilities (I know a few people on here do phone sessions, for example).