[stopdog]

Do you expect to be connected to the therapist? Would it upset you if the therapist said they did not feel connected?
For me, if a therapist said such a thing, I would agree - they are not connected to me and am frankly baffled at why they would think they would be.

I need to feel a connection with people with whom I have to work that closely about very personal matters. By connection, I just mean that we have to "click." Our conversations need to feel comfortable and I need that sense that the other person "gets" me. That's what connection means to me.

I have seen therapists that I didn't get that sense from, and I didn't stay with them more than a few sessions. Connection with a person is something that I feel fairly quickly, and I am not at all comfortable being that open and personal with people I don't click with.

Would it upset me if I didn't feel that connection? Not really. I just move on until I find it. I don't find it that hard to find people I do connect with but it does happen, so it isn't that huge a deal to say "nope, this isn't it" and move on.

ETA: I don't see "connection" as some magical, mystical, deep thing. It is just a sense of natural comfort and ability to relate easily and naturally with another person. I realize for some, that idea of "connection" is a much deeper and elusive thing.

I voted yes. I think there needs to be some kind of connection, even though I don't really feel it with my T. I feel more connected with my chiropractor than with my T. It's weird.

I expect to feel connected to the therapist, in the sense that lolagrace mentions. I do not expect him to feel connected to me, but if he does it would be nice... but it's another of those things I wouldn't ever know, so I try not to worry about it.

[atisketatasket]

Maybe. Because I don't think they *should* necessarily feel connected to me, but under the circumstances, I suspect they *will.* No. 1 certainly does. No. 2 is inscrutable. Both seem just as helpful to me.

But are you really asking whether *I* should/will feel connected to them? (Because that's not what the question actually says. It is asked from the p.o.v. of the therapist.) In which case, no - mainly because I can't bring myself to view therapy as emotional in additional to intellectual.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

But are you really asking whether *I* should/will feel connected to them? (Because that's not what the question actually says. It is asked from the p.o.v. of the therapist.) In which case, no - mainly because I can't bring myself to view therapy as emotional in additional to intellectual.

No - I was asking about how you would think a therapist would do it. I asked because in another thread a poster seemed dismayed to be told the therapist felt no connection. I have no belief a therapist would feel or need to feel or have any reason to feel connected to me. I just wondered what everyone else thought.

I would be unable to tell the therapist stuff if I felt connection.

I kind of see connection as a two-way street. If the connection is only felt by one of the people involved, then perhaps it isn't a real connection. Generally, when I feel a connection with someone, it is pretty clearly it goes both ways -- we bounce ideas off of each other; we communicate naturally and easily; our personalities mesh well. Otherwise it is like a short-circuit; it just doesn't work. (Not for me anyway.)

[Crescent Moon]

"Other." I don't know that it's a 'should' or a 'will.' I don't think connection is something that anyone can 'make' happen.

I also think that for most people going to therapy, feeling connected is what creates the dynamics that allow healing to happen. Maybe that primarily applies to people in therapy for reasons that involve emotions? If someone goes to therapy to learn how to better organize their life, figure out how to pursue professional goals, or have a space and person to tell things to who is specifically not involved in their real life, then 'connection' may truly be unnecessary.

But I don't think connection can be created by will. It happens, or it doesn't. And from what I hear & read everywhere - feeling a connection with a therapist is considered - regardless of therapy style - the most essential part of successful therapy that involves emotional healing.

[stopdog]

I did not go to heal (a concept that simply does not apply to me nor do I really understand it in terms of therapy) nor did I go to learn how to better organize my life or figure out how to pursue professional goals. I finally made it useful by using as a space and person to tell things to who is specifically not involved in their real life. I cannot see how it would ever be helpful to heal or have anything to do with my professional life - I get that others do - just that I can't conceive of how even were it what I sought.

[growlycat]

It depends on what you want from therapy. If you don't want it, then no, there are no "shoulds". I would want it but I want lots of things

No. It isn't something I want or need. I thought I had it with my ex-therapist but that ended badly. I wouldn't want that kind of connection again. I keep my distance now. It is what works for me.

[junkDNA]

i imagine he feels a connection to me, but in a healthy way

[eeyorestail]

I don't think "connection" is the word I would use. I think we have a good rapport and and I feel comfortable talking to him in most cases.

[Chummy]

I don't know if my T feels connected to me and if she should. T has many clients, I don't think she can feel connected to everyone. Everyone is different.

I'm not sure if I feel connected to T. There's a click, at least from my side. I like her and she usually understand most of what I tell her. Previous T's did not. I don't think I feel really connected to anyone.

[feralkittymom]

Interesting. I would say yes, that connection needs to be mutual. But while I would expect the T to find a way to feel some connection with me--that is part of the job-- sufficient to engage with me, I don't think it's necessary, nor reasonable, for the client to feel such a connection with a T immediately. Of course, I do believe in therapy as an engagement between people--and not as something being done "to" me, or as you often phrase it--"at" me.

I did feel a positive inclination toward my T from the first session, but I think that was due to a combination of my being in distress when I saw him and his skill in providing me a sense of calm and hopefulness. So the foundation on which to build a connection.

In hindsight, that connection as it deepened and strengthened over the years has been the most important consequence of therapy for me because it is what made healing possible.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I think there should be a connection in therapy. My T and I both feel a deep therapeutic connection to each other and thats why we work so well together. I think you need a connection to your T for therapy to work.

[ruh roh]

I don't expect it because there's no way of knowing whether or not it will be a good fit, but I won't continue if it's not there. I've talked to my therapist about it and she feels the same way. She calls it relationship (as in "the relationship" aspect of therapy is important to her). I call it being comfortable. So yeah, I want there to be connection on both sides.

[divine1966]

I think good rapport is important and certain level of comfort. If I felt hostile toward t I'd look for a better fit. I don't know about connection. We are not friends or lovers or family.

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[Lauliza]

It depends. I wouldn't be able to work with someone I didn't feel connected to in some way, even if its only slight. I feel like we should click, like another poster said. That being said, the same might not always true for a T. They are the one being hired, so whether or not they feel like they "click" with a client isn't nearly as important. So while I would like a T to feel connected to me, I wouldn't expect it and wouldn't ask for that reason.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

But while I would expect the T to find a way to feel some connection with me--that is part of the job-- sufficient to engage with me, I don't think it's necessary, nor reasonable, for the client to feel such a connection with a T immediately. Of course, I do believe in therapy as an engagement between people--and not as something being done "to" me, or as you often phrase it--"at" me.

.

I do not think they do therapy to a client - I do believe they try to do things to and at a client. The reasoning of those people is not always clear to me. Nor do I understand what the point of a nebulous unclear engagement between a therapist and me would be.

[feralkittymom]

Things? I guess I see the potential for value growing from what might seem nebulous in the moment. It's probably why much of my teaching pedagogy is inductive rather than deductive in approach.

[stopdog]

It may work when teaching, but for me, not in therapy.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Things?

Empathy, fake surprise, over the top emphasis, saying one thing one week and the opposite the next, pretending they do or do not know something and so forth - to me these are all things they do at clients.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I did not go to heal (a concept that simply does not apply to me nor do I really understand it in terms of therapy) nor did I go to learn how to better organize my life or figure out how to pursue professional goals. I finally made it useful by using as a space and person to tell things to who is specifically not involved in their real life. I cannot see how it would ever be helpful to heal or have anything to do with my professional life - I get that others do - just that I can't conceive of how even were it what I sought.

One thing I've learned from you is that not everyone *needs* emotional healing. At least they don't need it from therapy.

I did, and feeling connected was the grease that made the wheels turn. But you have really helped me understand the other purposes therapy might serve... and your way of looking at therapists and stuff makes sense to me.

[Sawyerr]

Yes I do want to feel connected to my T. It feels like she is always "there" if I would want contact with her, but I can't always do/have it. Sometimes it is just too intense. It's really important for me that she is available for it though.

If I felt connected to my T and she would know about it, I would feel very hurt and embarassed (if she wouldn't feel it). Hurt because I've never really felt connected to anyone before and because I wish she'd feel the same towards me as I feel towards her. I would also feel rejected. On the other hand I'd be embarassed and ashamed of the fact the she knew I wanted and felt it and she didn't (then I'd be the one who "cared" more and therefore the "weaker" one).

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