Need T, but don't trust her

I just had a major falling out with my step-dad which has put my relationship with my mom in jeopardy. This is a huge issue. I don't give a **** about my step-dad atm. What happened was his fault and he needs to apologize (my mom even agrees). He's a ****ing gambling addict, drinks even though he's a recovering alcoholic, and he's very controlling. He has anger issues so much so that he basically has no contact with his family (and he has a huge family). I looked past all of that and accepted him because he takes good care of my mom.

My relationship with my mom is special and fragile. Growing up, we hated each other. She kicked me out of the house at eighteen when I had a mental breakdown, and I wound up homeless. 9 years ago, my T helped me redevelop a new relationship with my mom. We have been best of friends ever since. But it's fragile because the past was so bad and we have to be very mindful of each other's boundaries.

Oh....btw...my mom is marrying my step-dad in less than a month and he told me I'm not welcome at the wedding...even though I was the only person they wanted there...

So yeah, I'm distraught. I don't have much support in my life, and now I'm at risk for lossing half the support I do have.

I desperately want to call my T. I could really use her support. But I don't trust her. She's not very warm, and doesn’t always help. In fact, she has withdrawn some of her support because she knows she sometimes doesn't help. And I don't want to make our relationship worse than it already is by asking for support.

I don’t know what to do. Do I reach out to her? Do I "suck it up", be a "big girl", and wait for Wednesday? But I'm feeling very vulnerable right now. I feel like I'm about to break apart. And this isn't something minor nor has anything to do with ex-T. God, I'm going to have a bad week. If I wait till Wednesday, then I'll be dealing with this crap, as well as, the letter and answers from ex-T. What should I do?

can you set up more than one appointment with her for this week?

It's hard to gauge without being there.

It seems like maybe she doesn't want to be part of your crisis plan now? Does that mean you can still call her but not if you're going to cut? I'm honestly a bit confused about what's okay with her now.

Can you talk to your mom about it? That's kind of messed up.

Are you seeing your pdoc tomorrow? Could she support you ?

I think if you call her you run the risk of not feeling supported and ending up feeling worse. I think it is a risk. She doesn't have a good track record of giving you support in a way that you find most helpful. If you're ok with that, then call her.

Maybe you can talk it out with your fiancé and work through some of your thoughts?

Or, call your Mom directly and talk with her about it?

Or, take a prn, try and get a good nights rest, start fresh in the morning?

Sorry this is happening, your step-dad doesn't sound like a nice person.

Has your mother said anything like, of course you're coming to the wedding, no matter what stepdad says? Because it seems like that reassurance would be helpful.

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I could. I just don't want to pay her another $100. I'm fairly poor. My fiance is actually paying the bill because I can't, and he can barely afford it. Though we could if absolutely needed.

Will she charge you if the call is over 15 mins?

The phone call boundary is simply that it's not a requirement for me to call everytime I feel like cutting... Basically, I can call if I want to, but she won't guarantee she'll be supportive...

Yes, she will.

That would piss me off.

Is there a helpline you can call? Might help just to talk to someone. Make sure your therapist understands the seriousness of the situation when you meet. Ask about other resources....
Good luck! Hang in there!

My mom is caught btwn us two. I'm not going to make things worse for her by trying to talk to her while he's home. She's probably really upset. She did text me and said we'll talk tomorrow and that he needs to apologize.

And I don't want to go to the wedding if he doesn't apologize.

You know what this was all over? A restaurant. Seriously. He told us he wanted to go to a cafe for lunch, but he didn't remember the name. He told us the general location. My fiance and I were driving around in circles for 15 mins to try to find this place. Turns out, we still found the wrong one. My step-dad said it was called something like Alice. So we found an Allens. But no. The ****ing place was called Village Cafe!?!? Finally we got there and it was a Mexican place. We clearly told them beforehand we didn't want Mexican, we wanted American. So we were upset. My mom started apologizing, but my step-dad got mad and told my mom they were going. Then a whole slew of curse words were used and they left... My mom was telling my step-dad to knock it off the entire time.

Yeah. It's a big risk. I probably will take a prn. Just to make sure I stay safe. I really don't want to cut anymore.

Personally, I'd sit on it until tomorrow. Give yourself some time to calm down a bit. Let your mom deal with your stepdad and see how things transpire tomorrow. Sounds like your mom agreed he was out of line. Give her some time to deal with him. This is really her problem to handle; let her handle it. Nothing has to be solved tonight. It's upsetting, but use your skills -- do some breathing, go eat a big bowl of ice cream, take a walk, watch a good movie. Allow yourself the space to calm down a bit and look at it tomorrow under less of an adrenaline rush. You can do this. Reassess where things are tomorrow and decide then if you need to talk to your therapist before Wednesday.

You say, "I really don't want to cut anymore".

That is great! And certainly not over a piece of fecal matter like this guy is acting like. Really, over a restaurant. So controlling and immature.

Wow, is this a regular thing? Apparently my T and marriage counselor don't follow that rule--thankful for that!

Hugs to you, SP!

Some do, some don't. Some charge for emails (mine doesn’t). I never had a T in the past charge for phone calls. T thinks if it goes beyond 15mins, it's more like a session.

I can see how they might have to do that. I've never run into it, but I so rarely call my T after hours that it just hasn't been an issue. In fact, even in the most dire of crises -- times when I ended up hospitalized -- our phone conversations rarely went more than 5 or 10 minutes. I can only think of one time we basically had a session via phone (an hour and a half actually). Very, very unusual circumstances -- he didn't charge me for it though -- it was just so out of the norm. I would have completely understood if he had charged me for that call; it was extremely long. I think therapists are certainly within their rights to do so as long as those fees are divulged in advance.

Yeah. I don't like it, but she was upfront about it. Luckily, all my calls last in the 10 min range. I like calls for support and encouragement and to be understood, not for processing like in a session. I'm not wanting her or anyone to solve this situation. I just want someone to be there for me, to let me vent and cry.

It sounds like he doesnt want you at the wedding because you were unpleasant / swearing about the lunch today, and he's afraid of a repeat if something isnt to your liking? I know my first h was very insistent upon American food, and would pointedly but quietly order a hamburger at a chinese restaurant. At any rate, can you use dbt to look at what happened today and how you might have handled it differently? Then you could summarize that for your t. Like at a job, your manager doesnt want to hear a problem - you want to tell them how you solved it so they give you a raise.

Eta - sorry, just saw your last post. w

at a job, you get paid. in therapy, THEY get paid.

I'm going to assume sorry was for the whole post? That was pretty harsh and inaccurate. Plus the point of my thread is not for advice about my step-dad. I wanted advice about my T.

I'm taking Lolagrace's advice and planning a relaxing evening. Then I plan on taking Pam's advice and take a PRN tonight to get good sleep. I have to see my Pdoc early tomorrow (8am) to talk about problems with T. And then Wednesday's session will be primarily about ex-T. I have a lot to deal with right now, so I need to take care of myself through this all.

In therapy, you get "paid" because your life improves. Really i have had it with the nitpicking.

They get paid whether it is useful or not - they are paid for their time - not results.

?? I'm lost in the new argument

Let's just go back to me and my T.